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Lord of The Things - Act III, Part IJan 14 '04 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Act II part I or my VI part satire of Lord of the Rings
Act III – Part I Merry squirmed inside his sack. The Orc carrying him thought it was funny to bang his head on the ground at regular intervals. It was probably a Manchester United supporter. “Pippin?” “Mmph?” “Pippin, what do you think they’re going to do with us?” There was a thud, and Merry knew at that moment that Pippin was not going to reply, for his Orc was an Urak-kai from Isengard, and even worse than a Manchester United supporter – it was a cricket yob. “You is for us to be eating, little fatling”, said his Orc. “No eating Hobbits, say Big Chief White Wizard, or else Big Heap Trouble!”, snarled the Cricket Yob. “You wanna fight about it?” And then, as Orcs are wont to do, (which means that they very seldom won’t do it), they all started fighting one another. A sword cut through the sack holding Merry, narrowly missing him (how convenient). In the melee he managed to crawl out and drag the sack containing Pippin along, for he had not the strength to untie the foul bonds and rather inconsiderately there was no knife hanging loosely in a fallen Orc’s hand for him to cut it with. There would have been a knife if Peter Jackson had been in charge, thought Merry glumly. Still, at least the silly notion of using only dialogue had been scrapped after the first II acts. Meanwhile the Rhorrhim or however you spell them had arrived and were happily cutting the Orcs into pieces. A huge fire had been started and Orc bodies were being piled onto it. Only one thing marred the celebrations. They had no BBQ sauce. ***** Gimli grimly grinned. “Well, looks like those pesky young Hobbits are kebabs. Let’s go home.” Aragorn looked forlorn. “Ever since I have been leader, my choices have been bad ones.” “Cheer up old chum, it’s not your fault. Don’t look so sad. Anyway, who said you were the leader?”, said Gimli. “It’s not the Hobbits I’m sad about. I chased them and forgot to post my entry to Heir Apparent to the Throne of Gondor of the Year. I was runner up last year to some oaf who claimed his DNA matched the ancient kings, but I’m sure I would have won it this year.” “Doesn’t matter, haven’t you seen the title of the third book? Return of the King! That’s you it’s talking about!” A flock of seagulls flew over and left little presents on Aragorn’s head. “A symbolic crowning! Fate smiles on me.” “Laughing at you, more like”, mumbled Gimli. It was not his part in this epic to say the deep lines that filled you with awe. That fell to Gandalf and Legolas, who was about to utter a profound statement right now: “The sky is red tonight. Shepherds will be delighted.” ***** “Sam, stop throwing stones at the Gollum. There’s a sign there saying it’s forbidden and you will be persecuted if you do it.” Sam slung on lat stone at Gollum and sighed. “I suppose you’re right, Mr Frodo Sir. But I thought these signs always said ‘Prosectued’, not ‘Persecuted’?” Frodo squinted at the sign. It was written in blood. “Actually, it says trespasser will be tortured cruelly forever, being kept alive by Sauron’s secret, evil arts, and made to watch films as bad as Gigli.” Sam shuddered. “Sounds a bit harsh. Especially the films bit.” “Don’t forget Sam, this is Mordor. This is not a Democracy, it’s a corrupt land. Which means that it’s different from our own land, which is a corrupt Democracy. There’s an important difference, I just can’t remember what it is.” “Gollum”, said Gollum. “Yes? And just what could you possibly bring to the conversation, you wretched creature?” “Gollum.” “Oh all right, I suppose you can be our guide.” “Gollum.” “Yes, and treacherously try to get us killed but not succeed. I suppose it all adds to the suspense. “Gollum.” “No, that’s going too far.” “Gollum.” “I said no!” “Gollum.” “Oh, all right. You can have a Best Supporting Actor Oscar as well. But only if you’re good.” ***** “Hail, White Wizard Type Dude!”, yelled the Drunken Aragorn merrily. “You can take our livesh but you can’t take our diguttee…” – and fell heavily on the floor. “At a time like this you go back to the drink? You’ve just ruined my big scene!” Gandalf was furious. “Long time I fell…” Legolas was legless. “Erm, nope didn’t Moria shene wash cut out through lashinesh of the orfa so in fact you jusht went for a manicure while we wash fighting for our livesh sho get losht we don’t want to shee you ever again.” “Not even when I’ve bought you all Kinder Eggs?” The three comrades looked at each other, or rather each image of each other. Then they turned to Gandalf, who was standing there like a beacon of light in a dark place that really could do with some soft light but not this beacon thing that was too bright to actually look at but didn’t really shed much light on the surrounding area so really wasn’t all that helpful. “Hey buddy, we’ve mished you!”, they all shouted, each hoping to get the miniature model of Smaug in their Kinder Egg. ***** “Hail the King of Rohan!”, cried Gandalf in an impressive voice. “The King does not wish to see you”, snarled Wormtongue. Gandalf clasped his staff and looked sternly at Wormtongue. “Worm… slither.” The worm slithered. “Right, King Theoden, you lazy old nincompoop, just what are you playing at?” “Are Mithrandir, bearer of bad news and stealer of the King’s favourite horse! Bite me!” ”Ouch” “Well you did ask…” Theoden looked stunned for a moment, then groaned. “Great, now I’ll have to get my Rabies booster. I suppose it was due anyway. Well, off to battle Saruman I guess.” Gandalf looked hurt. “But I haven’t even had a chance to convince you, and battle Saruman, and… and…” Theoden stood up regally and slipped on a banana comically. “You think you’ve got it bad? Poor old Christopher Lee wasn’t even in the last film at all, apart from the extended version! So don’t act all injured with me sonny Jim, you won’t get any sympathy. Besides, I’m going to die before it all ends and do you think I’m happy about that? Oh I’ll smile at Eowyn and say something stupid like ‘Don’t worry my dear, now I can take my place among my forefathers with honour’. As if I was actually delighted to have got busted just when things were starting to get better? It’s just tragic!” With that he exited stage left, grumbling profusely. Gandalf considered these words for a long time, pondering the short existence of men and the wisdom of the Valor. “Bunch of morons, the lot of them.” Act III – Part II coming soon… Act I Act II Book Reviews Lord of the Rings The Silmarillian The Hobbit Bored of the Rings The Films The Fellowship of the Rings The Two Towers The Return of the King See Also Why did the Chicken Cross Middle Earth? by Luthien69  |
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