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What you never wanted to know (Anti-Moi)Jan 15 '04 Write an essay on this topic.
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So lately I've been feeling just a bit of guilt over my constant, self-indulgent participation in the site's multiple "getting to know you" write-offs. I stumbled across this one out of nowhere, and it was so wicked and hilarious that I had to go along with it. Check it out: http://www.epinions.com/content_3674448004 The Questions. The Answers. Everyone is prettier than you. Discuss. uh, it's probably accurate. Why would anyone want to look "pretty" anyway? I look best when I'm walking, or in other kinds of motion. I never, ever smile - and smiling is half of making oneself look good. What is the worst, most unforgivable thing you have done to another human being?: In seventh grade, a kid I knew and disliked broke down sobbing in the middle of class, besieged by hormones. He lusted after a popular girl who disliked him. I was sitting next to him as he told the tragic narrative of this one-way romance. I turned to him and whispered "don't you realize you'd never have a chance with her anyway?" That sent him into meltdown, as he rushed out of the classroom. What kind of sexual inadequacies do you suffer? We're all friends here and promise not to tell. Back when I was still vaguely Christian, I went through neuroses for a long time. I could never do anything of a sexual nature on a Sunday (the Lord's day) because I'd feel guilty afterwards. God was glaring down at me from the sky. My jaw quickly gets sore (waaaaay too much info, I know). And I need distractions - music, a television, whatever - or I get bored and anxious. How were you bullied at school? Why did you deserve it? oh, I was a sociopath. Honestly, I wasn't bullied much - I was great friends with most of the bullies, and I did a lot of the bullying myself. I don't feel any real, tangible guilt, though I probably should - as far as I was concerned, they deserved it. This is the kind of thing that persisted all throughout high school, in fact. I was friends with the football players, and they'd talk to me about how pathetic some kids were. I'd just smile and nod, because I've been trying to be more kind lately. Who did you bully at school? If you did not bully anyone was it because you were too much of a wimp yourself? Just the geeks, in general. They were awful - and though now I feel bad for it, at that age this particular demographic doesn't seem to have any personality. So I treated all them with general disregard. What is your most disgusting bodily feature? Be graphic and as lurid and perverse as you can without being physically ill. Though vomit may be a good sign that you're on the right track. I walk around in bare feet so much that my feet have these horrible calluses. It's even worse during the summer, where I walk several miles daily on hot, rough concrete with no shoes on. I'm not a masochist, I just don't like shoes. And my legs look soooo bad because of all the walking I do: the muscles in my calves are overdeveloped, which makes them out of proportion to the rest of me. I have to shave at least three times a day, or I get five-o'-clock shadow. Also, though my complexion is generally very good, right now I have a horrible pimple right next to my lip. I'm considering having my parents send me some concealer. Thank God my hair looks good today. If it didn't, I'd off myself right here and now. Present three examples where your self esteem has hit an all time rock bottom and the alcoholic beverages you drank to cope. When I'm depressed, I lie down in a dark room, I don't drink. Drinking is for fun, not for consolation. The worst self-esteem incident was the time at the spelling bee, when I mispronounced one of the letters in "spicier" and was therefore disqualified. The horror of that incident hasn't decreased, but has become even worse over the years. Give an example where your heart was so broken you did nothing but eat icecream, cuddle your old soft toys and watching Jerry Springer crying out at the trailer trash "They may have their problems but AT LEAST THEY'RE LOVED WWWWWAAAAAAAAAA". Oh, never. I don't get emotionally involved, at least I haven't yet. But I do suffer through lots of horribly intense crushes, then forget them just as quickly. Next question. How many times, on average, since were you born have your parents had wild, animalistic sex involving common kitchen utensils? Bonus Points awarded if you caught them in the act. They haven't done it at all since my sister was born. I'm as sure of this as I'm sure of anything. Yes, they have. That's what's going on when they close their door at night. No, they haven't. To think otherwise would be my death. I caught them at it once when I was younger, though - years ago, and I could never forget this awful memory. How many times have you been caught by a spouse/child/boss looking up internet porn? My parents once confronted me when they found the internet browser's history - so I guess that would be considered retroactive. And the parents of a friend I was with once walked in on me and him, which was even worse. Give some examples of random malice you performed, preferably at strangers The other day we were at the mall, looking down from the second floor at the people walking below. Some guy with a Mohawk walked past, and I made some loud comment like "You're in the suburbs, get over your pretensions." Apparently I was louder than I'd thought - he looked up at me and glared. One weekend when my roommate was away, I looked in his desk, just to see what kind of life he wasn't having and what material objects would represent it. In my defense, I can say that's not as bad as something my friend once did - over the phone to me, she was reading her roommate's incestuous fantasies, written in the roommate's diary. I play Bob Dylan, electroclash, and gangsta rap because I know my roommate hates these styles of music. But I've tried to stop that. I make scary faces at babies. I even did this to my cousin's new baby! I've been putting people I know into my novel, and basically using their relationships and personality traits. How can I ever let them read it after that? When I was in eighth grade, I anonymously distributed pornographic vignettes about other students I disliked. So, speaking of pornography, I suggest that anyone who's gone along with these fun and "masturbatory" getting-to-know-you write-offs should participate as well. Do it for the sake of integrity and truth...yeah. That's it.  |
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