Suffering from insomnia? Read this! (Anti-Moi W/O)

Jan 16, 2004 (Updated Jan 19, 2004)

The Bottom Line I am such a goody two-shoes, I even make myself sick.

Munkus is apparently tired of all the mushy "I'm so great" surveys that practically every member of Epinions has now done, so he started this Anti-Moi write-off which forces you to tell everyone how much you suck. If you asked my husband, he would say not nearly enough, but that's a whole other entry. On with the show!

Everyone is prettier than you. Discuss.
(okay so that wasn't a question)

Oh they are not. Granted, I'm only 4'11" and have gained about 40 pounds during my six years of marriage, but I know I am not the fugliest person out there! I mean, look at David Gest. (hmm, maybe that's why Liza beat him)

What is the worst, most unforgivable thing you have done to another human being?

I can't bring myself to put it here. I was going to change my answer, and I don't even want to admit it. (No, I didn't kill anyone or anything like that. It involved my son and about 30 seconds lack of attention. I felt like the worst mommy on the face of the earth).

What kind of sexual inadequacies do you suffer? We're all friends here and promise not to tell.

I have always been very reserved and quiet, therefore, I am not one of those yelling, moaning types in bed. I would feel absolutely stupid... Melanie, I know what you're going to mention, and no, I don't think that counts as an inadequacy. :D

How were you bullied at school? Why did you deserve it?

I wasn't really bullied. In high school, I think most people saw me as a quiet, creative drama nerd. I went to a really small school (about 120 in my graduating class) and a good majority of us had gone to school together all 12 years. Yeah, there were cliques, but I don't think there were many people who were truly bullied. I was picked on sometimes in elementary and jr high because I was smaller than the other students (name calling - stupid things like munchkin)

Who did you bully at school? If you did not bully anyone was it because you were too much of a wimp yourself?

No one. I am a wuss. Like I just said, I wasn't very big while in school. I wasn't stupid enough to bully anyone bigger than me, and to my knowledge, there was only one other girl shorter than me!

What is your most disgusting bodily feature? Be graphic and as lurid and perverse as you can without being physically ill. Though vomit may be a good sign that you're on the right track.

I hate my feet. They were normal until I was about five. Once I started school and had to wear shoes on a regular basis, my feet started growing funny. On both feet my 2nd toe is actually my biggest toe (length-wise) and my 4th toe is the smallest, followed by the 3rd toe (it looks like my shoes were too tight and my 3rd and 4th toes just didn't grow properly). My pinkie toe on each foot turns slightly outward and is overly rounded...almost no toe nail. I think the year I spent working at Sonic during high school and having to kick the back door open all the time has screwed up the toenails on my big toes - they're cracked and have lines. Or maybe it's athletes foot. I should look into that. One time when my family took a cruise and we were at Grand Cayman, I was walking on the beach and noticed that I don't even make a "normal" footprint in the sand. It looks like some weird 3-toed monster was walking around.

Present three examples where your self esteem has hit an all time rock bottom and the alcoholic beverages you drank to cope.

My self-esteem has never been quite that low, and even if it was, I don't think I'd drink to cope with it. Eat a lot of chocolate, yes. Drink, no. My self-esteem isn't great right now just because I'd like to lose about 30 pounds. Ooh, I just thought of a great new exercise regime from Richard Simmons. Rather than the "Sweatin to the Oldies", he personally comes to your house, and chases you everywhere yelling "oh yoo hoo! Come back! I just want to be your friend!!" I would never stop running......

Oh wait, you wanted examples. There was the time at Sonic when one of the other girls I worked with told me about one of our cook's comments on the girls' breast sizes. According to him, I was a -A. Gee, I didn't know I was flatchested, zitface. Thanks for pointing that out. I saw him a few years ago, working as a cashier at Casa Ole (what's with him and food?). Anyway, he didn't recognize me (or if he did, he didn't let on) but I so wanted to grab my boobs and say "-A my a$$! 36C baby!" Of course, that's due to my stupid weight gain, but still...

Give an example where your heart was so broken you did nothing but eat icecream, cuddle your old soft toys and watching Jerry Springer crying out at the trailer trash "They may have their problems but AT LEAST THEY'RE LOVED WWWWWAAAAAAAAAA".

Fortunately, that's never happened. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, but there was a time during my sophomore year (two years before I met hubby) that a friend starting dating a guy I really liked. My best friend had told me just a day or so before that he really liked me, so I was a little upset that afternoon, then I realized how stupid I felt to be upset over him. If Jerry Springer had been around at the time, I probably woulda watched it that day.

How many times, on average, since were you born have your parents had wild, animalistic sex involving common kitchen utensils? Bonus Points awarded if you caught them in the act.

What kind of sick puppy wants to know this?! Seriously!!! If my parents have ever had wild, animalistic sex with or without kitchen utensils, I do not want to know about it. Ever. sticks fingers in ears. I'm not listening. lalalalala. My brother however said he walked in on them once, and my best friend recently claimed she heard them once while spending the night. I think she said that just to creep me out.

How many times have you been caught by a spouse/child/boss looking up internet porn?

Spouse: a few. Occasionally one of us runs across something really kinky looking (accidentally. darn pop ups!), and will call the other one "hey, come look at what these people are doing! How is that even humanly possible?!" Child: 0. He can't even walk yet, much less see what I'm doing on the computer. Boss: like I am that stupid to look up porn at work. Fish porn isn't even that important! Oh wait. This could maybe count as porn. WFAA TV a few months ago aired a clip of Quincy Carter in the Cowboy's locker room. However, Quincy was not who (or should I say what) most people noticed. Walking past Quincy in the background was a very obviously nekkid black man. Swing low sweet chariot! One of my co-workers showed me the video clip a few weeks ago...

Give some examples of random malice you performed, preferably at strangers?

Random malice huh? I can think of a few examples from when I was younger. When I was about 8, I was down the street at a friend's house and we were playing in the garage. I found a baseball bat, and was swinging it around, not paying attention to anyone whom might be nearby. I ended up whacking his little brother in the back of the head. He wasn't seriously hurt, but their mom made me go home. Another time when I was 11, my brother, cousin and I were on a family trip and got bored at the motel. So we took the ice buckets from our rooms, filled them up with ice, and threw ice on people's cars in the parking lot. Then there was the time my brother and I got in a fight. I was washing dishes, and threw the brush scrubber-thingy at his head. I missed, and made a hole in my parent's bedroom door instead. Want another one? Good, because I have one more. A company I used to work for had a huge rat problem. It was absolutely disgusting. Whenever my boss was out of town, I'd throw my lunch out in his trashcan and close the door between our offices so when the rats came out at night, they'd go in his office and get trash everywhere, and leave their lovely little rat turds all over his desk, instead of mine.

So there you go. Do I get the Munkus Seal of Approval now? You can find out more about the write-off here or read the other entries.

As always, thanks for reading!

© MH 2004

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