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HOLD THIS MUNKIE, I WANT TO PLAY TOO THE ANTI MOI W/OJan 16 '04 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Public Masturbation. Sorry I thought you said Public Humiliation.
Normally of late I've given the whole write off thing a wide miss. Hey I'm sure they serve some purpose aside from jamming up the bandwidth or whatever from the dark tower of Brisbane but they're just not my cuppa. Hey sorry I'm just not in to sycophantic cyber circle jerks, I'm just funny that way. For every rule though there is an exception (hey that's good I gotta right that down and use it again), and so too with my aversion to popularity contests. In this case my buddy (well not really and what's with the restraining order you sheep shagger?) Munkus that son and grandson of transported convicts and sheep molesters decided to come up with the concept of an anti public circle jerk write off, the Anti Moi W/O. I mean the very idea screams participation. At least to the voices in my head it did. That reminds me to buy more tin foil when I go shopping this weekend. Not only is he mocking one of the new sacred cows of the blind followers of Unca Nirvy he's done it in such a way that those perpetual paddlers at the shallow end of the gene pool will inadvertently click on and read the entries in the mistaken idea that they've found the latest instalment of the "683 reasons I'm Perfect W/O". There's also the fact that he's managed to attract some of the few remaining "cool kids" here at the Brisbane School for the Socially Disadvantaged to play in his cyber sandbox. Just look at the list of participants. Hey I just love having my name up there with theirs. Actually there's something besides my name I'd like to have up more than one of them (nudge, nudge, wink, wink say no more) but let's not go there, as this is a family site. Finally there's the fact that he absolutely refused to invite me to participate. I think his actual words were along the line of “I don’t care if you brought your own baby oil. You can’t join my circle jer…. er write off. ” Well I know he wasn’t serious. Poor fellow has recently discovered that he may in fact be descended from French Canadian political prisoners, which in Australian society is far worse than those whose forefathers were run of the mill pickpockets and coveters of domestic farm animals. Besides even if he was serious, so what. It’s a semi free country, right? So I crashed it. The rules are simple (much like the author) Just answer the questions, or not and post. Everyone is prettier than you. Discuss. I don't want to discuss it because it's just not true. I don't care what everyone else says, they're wrong, wrong, wrong!!!! Ok maybe Marcy is and Risa but no way is Munkus. Now excuse me while I go and hold my breath until I turn blue. What is the worst, most unforgivable thing you have done to another human being? I don't know you guys decide. Slept with the boss's wife. Slept with a teacher at college. While I'll admit to screwing people over and I can be really good at it, I don't consider it unforgivable. I've only done it to someone who really had it coming to them. Ok since you insisted. A few years ago there was this jovial moron at work. I mentioned to him that I’d actually joined the 20th century, bought a computer and been hooked up to the Internet at home. From then on he made it his mission in life to forward to me every stupid joke, inspirational message, and nauseating chain mail in cyber space. After about a week of this I noticed one Friday that he’d bought a new cell phone. He said he needed it because the phone lines in his apartment had been cut and would be down all weekend. That night after work I did what I normally did back when I was single and desperate. I hit several bars, acted pathetic, got blitzed and tried to get picked up. About 3:00 am back in my apartment, alone, I had a thought. His phone lines may have been down but he could still receive e-mails. I spent the next few hours, until dawn merrily surfing the vilest porn sites I could find and signing him up for all of them. Saturday night I again went out to commune with the grape and several other fermented food staples and once again found myself alone in front of my computer in the wee hours and feeling vicious. Come Sunday evening, telephone service was restored to his apartment and logging on to his e-mail he discovered he had 739 new e-mail messages in his in box. Almost all of them were along the lines of “Congratulations, you are now a member of Buns and Beefcake.” Well it would have been funny if he’d been the one who logged on. His live in girlfriend was the one who did. Turned out she had no sense of humour. Also turned out the lease on the place was in her name. Oh well he was looking for a reason to break up with her anyway. Besides those weeks he spent homeless were good for him. Toughened him up and he stopped with the inspirational chain letters. Oh yeah in regards to the boss's wife thing in my defence I had no idea who she was. It was a pick up in a cougar bar when I was in my twenties. It was only about a week later at a work-related party that I was formally introduced to her. Talk about your awkward pauses. Besides she was a lousy lay. What kind of sexual inadequacies do you suffer? We're all friends here and promise not to tell. Probably the fact that I was a male slut. Hey we all have our sordid past's right, but don't prejudge me. I'm a born again virgin these days. How were you bullied at school? Why did you deserve it? I was a bit of a brainy type, weak, wore glasses, always did my homework. You know the type that walks around school with a big neon sign on his head saying "beat me." And they did. All the normal juvenile BS, getting the crap kicked out of me, locked in my locker etc. By High School I decided to change this stuff by whatever means necessary. As far as I know I'm the only kid at my old alma mater that made the academic honour roll and was suspended for inappropriate behaviour in the same semester. Who did you bully at school? If you did not bully anyone was it because you were too much of a wimp yourself? Up until high school I was the wimp (see above haven't you been paying attention). After that I was too busy skipping classes to bully anyone. Mind there was that one kid who was bedridden for a year, and then the one in the wheelchair. What is your most disgusting bodily feature? Be graphic and as lurid and perverse as you can without being physically ill. Though vomit may be a good sign that you're on the right track. Probably my rather large penis. It just seems so much bigger than pictures I've seen of other men's and I feel so ashamed about it. It was really hard showering at school and later in the army. The other guys just teased me mercilessly, usually by dropping their jaws and then turning away quickly. Present three examples where your self esteem has hit an all time rock bottom and the alcoholic beverages you drank to cope. Just three? Well there was the time 16 odd years ago when I caught my now (obviously) ex with someone else while I was off serving my country and was able to sneak home early to surprise her. Thank God for subsidised booze in the military is all I can say. Can't remember what it was I drank, but it was a lot, probably a shot of everything behind the bar and then started over again. After drinking myself into incoherency I decided to play a little game of Russian roulette with my service pistol. Unfortunately it was an automatic pistol not a revolver. Fortunately the latest round of budget cuts had resulted in all the gunpowder in our bullets being removed. Years after leaving the military I found myself lazing on a beach in Cuba for a week trying to bankrupt an all inclusive resort's bar. When I returned home I found out that one of the young soldiers I had trained years earlier and had actually encouraged to join up had just killed himself. He'd already done two tours in the former Yugoslavia and suffered from PTSD. When he found out he was going back for a third he couldn't deal with it so he offed himself. I'm lying on a beach and he does that, that drags the guilt out I'll tell ya. I kept telling myself that had I stayed in maybe I would have done one of those tours and…. Well there are good drunks and bad drunks and that was one of the later. Booze of choice there was the duty free bottle of Jack Daniels and the one of 7 year old Havana Club Rum. You want any more go read my travel reviews hear. Someone suggested that's all they were. Hey I took it as a compliment. Ok one more. One night I was sitting at my regular neighbourhood sports bar. It was almost empty and the owner, the bartender and I had been doing Jaggy shots and I was feeling no pain. Two moronic redneck tourists wandered in. After ordering and checking out the lack of other patrons they asked me if there was any place around where they could get laid, because they were really horny. It was obvious that the three of us were models of sobriety compared to them. Anyway without missing a beat I gave them directions to another bar up the street about a 5-minute walk away. For those who know Toronto we were just off Church St. north of Queen and I sent them north towards Church and Wellesley. For those unfamiliar with Toronto geography (and why aren’t you might I ask?), Church/Wellesley is the centre of Toronto’s Gay Village. The actual place I directed them to was a seedy place called The Barn, which if the posters out front were correct was having a Leather contest that night. You know what that one really didn’t make me feel bad about myself at all. Aside from the fact that I regretted not tagging along to see what happened. Maybe that one should be the answer for question #2 and move that one down here. Naaah I didn’t feel full of remorse for that stunt either. Seriously I've put the self-pity and low self-esteem garbage behind me years ago along with regular worshipping at the porcelain altar. Give an example where your heart was so broken you did nothing but eat ice cream, cuddle your old soft toys and watching Jerry Springer crying out at the trailer trash "They may have their problems but AT LEAST THEY'RE LOVED WWWWWAAAAAAAAAA". Oh give me a break. I cuddle the soft ice cream and chew the soft toys. Besides if I want to see the freak show on Springer I can see them in person at the next family reunion, or an official Eeeps meet and greet. How many times, on average, since were you born have your parents had wild, animalistic sex involving common kitchen utensils? Bonus Points awarded if you caught them in the act. My parents had sex? Do you mean that my sister and were not delivered by the stork? To be honest I do not think I have ever caught or heard them in the act with or without kitchen utensils. Mind if I had seen that I'm sure that I've erased the memory from my conscious and hopefully subconscious. Hey I may be warped but there are other reasons for it. Although come to think of it I do remember growing up that I could never find the spatula, grapefruit spoon or egg timer in the kitchen. How many times have you been caught by a spouse/child/boss looking up Internet porn? Does having your pants around your ankles count for extra points? Actually I spend a lot of my day doing the exact opposite, tossing people off of public computers in an employment resource centre for surfing porn and it's not even good porn. Give some examples of random malice you performed, preferably at strangers There are no such things as random acts of malice. All malice must be carefully planned out in advance. For example on occasion I'll have lunch in the open park near City Hall in the summer months. There are plenty of chip wagons that serve those great, greasy, chunky, heart attack inducing, chips (fries to you dumbass yanks). For some strange reason seagulls love these. The park is usually full of office workers or better yet punters from bus tours. With a little luck and some good wrist action you can fling those chips just about anywhere, including at tourists feet, in their picnic lunches, open purses, hats etc. etc. Where the chip goes so does one or two or more likely eleven or twelve assorted ravenous seagulls. Hey it helps pass the lunch hour if I forgot to bring a good book. Well that’s it. Hope you enjoyed and if not who really cares. This is the part where I’m supposed to thank Munkie, list the other participants and provide the linky thing, but I’m not going to. http://www.epinions.com/content_3674448004 Aw crud how’d that get there.  |
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