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The Pig Tells All (The Munkus Anti-Moi W/O)Jan 17 '04 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Nausea is not the only thing you will be feeling!
I don't know but I must be going soft folks. I do not usually get involved in such train wrecks as an Epinions Write Off. But Damn It All! If this keeps Munkus happy (As true friend I always want to keep Munkus happy.) and contributing to the further death spiral here at Epinions, I will force myself to do it! So despite my holding my nose and attempting to bestow upon you my personal unclaimed baggage tagged by many many emotional scars here it is... What is the worst, most unforgivable thing you have done to another human being? The worst thing Huh? I guess that would be forcing my poor other half to sleep with me. I have to admit it. I am not the quietest and most restful sleeper on gods' green earth. Hell, sleeping with me is like a repeat performance of the beating of Nancy Kerrigan improved upon sonicly by an added soundtrack of Nine Inch Nails pounding on a running chainsaw while singing Little Bunny Froo Froo. Man, can I snore. In my dream I am playing the role of that trashiest of ice skating queens to ever wear a pair of white patent leather blades with pink tassels, Tonya Harding. I complete my nocturnal performance with a perfect victory lap that includes several Triple Salchows and ends with a flawless Triple Lutz-Double Toe complimented by a final Death Drop to Sit Spin. Bite Me! You wussy wunderkind Nancy! The judges love me as a wave to the crowd accepting graciously every 10 I receive and SO richly deserve. Flowers of sweet smelling success cascade around my ripe luscious perky tatas that glisten with the thrill of achievement and just the right amount of MAC Iridescent Powder complementing my Peacock outfit. The bedding always ends up on the floor, and I have found Jason bruises very easily. But... Damn! I look good in feathers and sequins. Poor Nancy will she ever forgive that vicious nasty evil Tonya? What kind of sexual inadequacies do you suffer? We're all friends here and promise not to tell. I do not think of them as inadequacies so much as challenges. I will never be as popular or as talented as Paris Hilton. Nor will I ever answer my cell phone in the middle of making my epic porno debut. Nor would I ever use that much eyeliner. Which is probably why I shall always be a social pariah. How were you bullied at school? Why did you deserve it? Because I was a nerd gestating into geekdom. It comes with the resume you know. Hexadecimal Machine Language programming, check. Beat mercilessly by high school classmates, check. Who did you bully at school? If you did not bully anyone was it because you were too much of a wimp yourself? Bully!? Me? Never! I considered it hands on motivational self-esteem building. Well, there was that girl in Elementary school who liked to pick on the rest of the kids because of her physical size. Let's just say she looked like she could have tried out for the Lakers. Anyway, she was getting in my face because I was cautioning her on her anti-social behavior and those pigtails were right there and in such easy reach. Wow! There was an encounter I think we both will never forget. What is your most disgusting bodily feature? Be graphic and as lurid and perverse as you can without being physically ill. Though vomit may be a good sign that you're on the right track. EWWWWWW! Damn it! I guess I must go through with this. My big toes have calluses the size of small eastern European countries. I tried to be proactive and remove them. Well, let's not get that graphic here... Just say I found one on the floor a week later, kitty had a new toy. EWWWWW! Present three examples where your self esteem has hit an all time rock bottom and the alcoholic beverages you drank to cope. 1) Realizing in my heart of hearts that my idea of the peak great cinematic experience was the 1989 movie Heathers with Winona Ryder and Christian Slater. Drink: Bud Light, and a sense of losing all hope. 2) Realizing I will never be as wealthy and good looking and consumerly helpful as sweetcece. I will never be as truly sensitive and caring as jo.com. I will never aspire to that pinnacle of intelligence that is caprig. Drink: Jagermeister, and several sleepless nights. 3) Realizing munkus actually lured me into writing this. Drink: Jack Daniels, hold the ceramic god closer to my head please. Give an example where your heart was so broken you did nothing but eat ice cream, cuddle your old soft toys and watching Jerry Springer crying out at the trailer trash "They may have their problems but AT LEAST THEY'RE LOVED WWWWWAAAAAAAAAA". The day Jeffy the Creepy Consumer Clown left us. God he was THE ICON of All Epinions Consumer Helpfulosity. I laid there on the floor gnashing my teeth (I'd not done it before so I could only hope I was gnashing my teeth, I mean it felt like gnashing, but these days who really knows for sure.) while my heart pounded in my chest 'Can it be?!' 'Is he really gone?' My whole life felt empty and useless (Much as I imagined Tammy Fay Baker felt after the drugs and the eye shadow wore off). I will never forget his sexy lingerie, his wonderful sense of lugubriousness and his constant quest for better Potato Salad recipes. What was the question again? How many times, on average, since were you born have your parents had wild, animalistic sex involving common kitchen utensils? Bonus Points awarded if you caught them in the act. This is based on the theory they actually had sex. Have you ever seen my father lounging in the family room in his worn threadbare tighty whities? How many times have you been caught by a spouse/child/boss looking up internet porn? Caught? Hell, since Christmas and the arrival of my Sony Cyber-shotŪ DSC-F505V digital camera I have been endeavoring to capitalize on this great American industry. Spouse, child and family pets should all be allowed to contribute. It should prove to be the savior of the Bush Administrations concern over the further disintegration of those American Family Values. Give some examples of random malice you performed, preferably at strangers I write Epinions, do I not? Enough said. There, enough! I hope you are happy now Munkus.  |
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