Oddball: the team sport not yet sweeping America
Jan 19 '04
The Bottom Line Balderdash! Piffle! A nonsensical whim. Unless you can cause Oddball to be played again. In which case you shall be – truly – my hero.
Oddball – the bastard offspring of Australian Rules Football, 43-man Squamish, and the Chicago police riots of 1968 – was invented in 1999 as a team sport that could be played by everyone, the able-bodied and physically retarded alike. True, it rewards athleticism (after all, it is a sport), and it offers many chances to rush around and bounce into things (because any activity I invent will allow rushing around and bouncing into things). But it requires neither, and leaves much room for other gifts: strategic talent, a lovely voice, a sense of the ridiculous. If I accomplish anything Great in my life, Oddball is my best bet so far. I will probably not accomplish anything Great in my life.
But you can help! I present here a newly refined, up-to-date version of Oddball's rules... at least, their idealized rules, as conceived with the help of Jeffrey Norman, Sarah Seldomridge, and Willow Hersh. You may modify these rules! The few actual games of Oddball ever played have been primitive and weak imitations, lacking proper equipment, proper turf, or any clear sense of what was going on. AND YET, the few actual games of Oddball ever played have been fun.
In recreational leagues and pickup games, a legacy remains to be built: add to those games! Give them shape, give them form. If possible, give them a budget exceeding 79 cents. For sports-lovers and sports-haters alike, a new era awaits.
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ONE Oddball is played by three teams, each with seven players on the field.
TWO The ideal field is an indoor soccer field, or at least an outdoor soccer field with walled-in sidelines such that balls bounce back into play rather than going out of bounds. (Outdoor soccer fields, unmodified, work as a backup plan.)
THREE Each end of the field has a regulation soccer goal. A half-size goal is erected on one of the midfield sidelines.
FOUR Play is divided into three equal periods of 18 minutes. Each of the three teams will be aiming for a different goal during a given period; the target goals rotate at the period's end, such that each team spends one period aiming for each goal. At the beginning of the period, none of a team's players may be on the half of the field nearer the target goal.
FIVE Three footballs are put into play using a basketball-style jump-ball at midfield: one football at period's beginning, the next one minute later, the next one minute after that. For the remaining 16 minutes, all three balls are in simultaneous play. Ideally, rather than using a referee, a simple blowgun-with-timer mechanism would fire the balls directly upwards.
SIX The footballs must be dribbled (3-step maximum between bounces) or kicked, never carried. "Defense" players (see below) may throw the ball, but cannot score points by doing so.
SEVEN When a player kicks or dribbles the ball into his team's target goal, his team scores one point – if and only if the player immediately performs a 1-minute drum solo on the target goalpost, using the drumsticks kept in his shirt.
Meanwhile, the ball is returned to play as soon as it's moved out of the goal by either of the _other_ two teams. If the ball remains in the goal when the 1-minute solo ends, the scoring team receives a second point.
EIGHT With one exception (see below), the team with the most points at the end of the game wins.
NINE Each team has four "offense" players, who run freely, and three "defense" players, who ride in wheelchairs. The defense players wave large (2 foot by 2 foot) picket signs, emblazoned with helpful slogans such as Unleash Chiang Kai-Shek! or the Players' Union Demands Extra Cheese or Never Trust a Picket Sign, and may use these signs to block footballs at will. The defense players are also armed with three beanbags each.
TEN Any player hit with a beanbag must immediately grab his calf or ankle (regardless of where s/he was actually hit) and yell "Ouch!" loud enough for a referee to hear. If the player has the football, s/he must drop it.
ELEVEN There are three referees on the field.
TWELVE Each team, once per game, may have its four offense players hold each other's hands and begin singing, in harmony, a song of their own invention. All other players must immediately stop play and gather around to watch and listen. The singing continues for up to five minutes. If the lyrics are identified as stolen, the team is penalized two points (negative scores are possible). Otherwise, the referees (and fans, if any) may award up to four points for musicality and lyrical invention. Referees must be scrupulously trained to be fair, especially since
THIRTEEN Each team, once per game, may formally "bribe" one referee to join their team for five minutes (simple token bribes, such as candy bars or dead crickets, are encouraged). While bribed, a referee may not call penalties on the bribing team, may not acknowledge goals or other successes by the other teams, and should participate as a player. Bribed referees may even carry, not dribble, the football until whistled to stop by one of the _other_ refs.
However, a team may not do its singing performance while its referee bribe is active.
FOURTEEN A team whose offense executes a 1-minute drum quartet on the team's target goal wins the game at once, regardless of the score.
However, it can legally be interrupted and all 4 players forced to restart: by a beanbag hit; by a ball being kicked/dribbled/spiked into the goal (which does, on the upside, count as 2 points for the interrupted team); or by a song. If a team is interrupted three times in mid-drum-quartet, it no longer is permitted to try for the rest of the game.
FIFTEEN Players caught violating any rule must stop, surrender the ball and any beanbags, scream "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!", and lie down and cry noisily for one minute (beating fist against ground, curling into fetal position, and other such, are much encouraged). If they don't, the team is penalized a point. Unconvincing apologies must be repeated. Play continues during the apology.
SIXTEEN Unless, of course, the period or game is over. Because I am, at heart, a traditionalist like that. Played badly, this game has been fun; if you and yours learn to play it well, as I dream, keep having fun. Throw Gatorade on somebody's head for me.
Best wishes,
- Brian "the Commish" Block
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Member: Brian Block
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