The Anti-Moi Write-Off
Jan 21 '04
The Bottom Line When my main man munkus throws a party, it’s time to step out of retirement and throw down.
Hello everyone. ‘Tis your favorite Kids & Family Anti-Advisor, imokliel, back from the dead. Actually, I came back about a week ago with a practice round, but now I’m really back. Nothing says get your lazy ass back to epinions like a write-off designed to mock yourself while mocking others at the same time. And munkus is just the man for the job. Hell, just look at the name of the write-off itself. Anti-Moi. Hmm, what else starts with Anti? Wait, I know! Anti-Advisor. Now Moi. M-O-I. What has the letters M, O, and I in it? Wait a minute! Those are the first three letters in imokliel. It was destined to be.
Without further adieu, this is my entry in the Anti-Moi Write Off.
Everyone is prettier than you. Discuss.
I wholeheartedly disagree. I mean, the Elephant Man is not prettier than me. The 800 lb. women who have to have walls removed from their house to be carted out and airlifted to Richard Simmons (usually) aren’t prettier than me. But other than that, I guess you’ve got me. I am a blight for sore eyes on my best days. I content myself by finding people who are more physically grotesque than myself, and ridiculing them mercilessly (and loudly) in public.
What is the worst, most unforgivable thing you have done to another human being?
Some people would say it was cutting that guy. But he deserved it. You’ll have to excuse me, but I’d like to take this moment to give a special shout out to my buddy with the scarred arm. Remember me? It was about 8 years ago, ½ mile down Winton Rd. from Forest Fair Mall. You and your friends were going to jump me. Remember that? Remember seeing me again about a year or so later at Arby’s and saying how you were going to kill me after I got off work? You never showed up, bitch. Do you think about that whenever you see that scar all mangled and ugly on the inside of your forearm? You showed it to me at the drive-thru window, like “Remember me now!?!” Like I was supposed to be scared and bow before you. I’m still in Cincinnati. Look me up sometime.
Sorry about that. Now where were we? Oh yeah, the most unforgivable thing I’ve done to another human being. Well, there’s been so many, I’m not sure. There was that girl who I knew was suicidal and I still had sex with her two times with the full intention of having nothing to do with her after that even though I knew she was obsessed with being with me. She tried to kill herself a couple weeks later, and I suppose that was probably a direct result of me blowing her off, even though I do not feel that it is my fault. You were old enough to know what you were getting into, but I am sorry you let yourself get that carried away with it.
There was that one Crescent Village guy who was part of that gang that jumped me and two of my friends. They showed up at my mom’s house in a group of about 25 or 30 to get me. Two of my friends were there, so we went out and got beat down. A couple weeks later, me and about 7 or 8 of my friends ran into one of the guys and beat him really bad. Really bad. It was kind of like that scene in Kids with the skateboard, only this was live and in living color. I’m not sure what happened to him, whether he was alright or not, but again, he got what was coming to him. I didn’t run and tell the cops anything and I tried to tell y’all that. You were the ones who started it that day and you got the best of me that day. But I told you then that we’d be back. You were the unfortunate one. Hopefully the situation taught you a lesson and I really do hope that you got away from that group and made something out of your life.
There was my ex-girlfriend who was with me during the worst parts of my mental breakdown. One time I told her that I was going to tie her to a chair and tape her eyelids open, forcing her to watch me murder her entire family and eat the innards of her nieces and nephew. Another time, I pissed her of in the car and she hit me. I reacted without thinking and jerked the wheel hard to the right. We were doing about 70 on the highway. When we shot off the side of road I tried to aim the car between some trees, so we wouldn’t hit the trees doing about 55 or so (I made a split second decision that just because I was at a point in my life where I didn’t care whether I lived or died, it wasn’t okay to take her with me). Suddenly the car started flipping forward. I had never noticed the steep drop-off because it was over a very slight hill off the side of the highway. The car flipped forward and wedged between the two trees before it hit the ground. Neither of us were wearing seatbelts, so it was lucky that we survived. Also, had the trees not been there, the seatbelts wouldn’t have mattered anyway. We would have been crushed to death. Amy, you know why we can’t be friends, but I don’t hate you. I hope you are doing well for yourself, and I am sorry for any part I played in your hospitalization. I was crazier than you, so that had to have something to do with it. It was fun while it lasted and I hope your life is better than it was last time I heard about you.
What kind of sexual inadequacies do you suffer? We're all friends here and promise not to tell.
I don’t think I have any real inadequacies. If the question had been about deviancies, this section would be a 400-page novel. But, my wife has never complained. That might all change as I go through the different medicines the doctors want to give me to fix my brain (yeah, sure, that’ll happen). Lots of psychotropic drugs affect performance, but I haven’t had any problems yet.
How were you bullied at school? Why did you deserve it?
Well, my friends and I were a rather large and violent group, so there wasn’t too much in the way of bullying any of us happening. There were other groups that disliked us as a whole, mainly because of the fact that we weren’t segregated like most of the school. I got jumped a couple times as a result of some problems that started at school, but never bullied. People tended to be scared of me because they thought I was crazy (go figure).
Who did you bully at school? If you did not bully anyone was it because you were too much of a wimp yourself?
I never did the bullying thing. I openly ridiculed people I didn’t like and would dare them to say something back to me afterwards. But that’s not bullying. I didn’t single out weak, frail kids to mess with. The people I had problems with were for legitimate (in my eyes) reasons, and were rarely weak or frail. I got in a lot of fights and made a lot of kids’ lives miserable, but never in a bullying fashion.
What is your most disgusting bodily feature? Be graphic and as lurid and perverse as you can without being physically ill. Though vomit may be a good sign that you're on the right track.
My wife doesn’t think it’s a big deal, but I’d say my chest. The bones aren’t formed right and it gives the appearance of an exaggerated ‘bird-chest’. I was told to work out and build my chest muscles and that would make it better, but it actually makes it worse. The muscles build up on both sides, leaving the dent in the middle to look even more pronounced. It’s either that or the nasty toenail-like structure protruding from my forehead. I can’t decide.
Present three examples where your self esteem has hit an all time rock bottom and the alcoholic beverages you drank to cope.
My self-esteem never hits rock bottom because I am a megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur. I have curbed it considerably since the time of the worst of my psychosis, but I still have a god complex and a ridiculous ego. If every single person that read my writing told me that it was sub-par or even horrible, I would still consider myself a great writer. Same with music. I have almost no humility.
Give an example where your heart was so broken you did nothing but eat icecream, cuddle your old soft toys and watching Jerry Springer crying out at the trailer trash "They may have their problems but AT LEAST THEY'RE LOVED WWWWWAAAAAAAAAA".
There’s only been one time in my life that someone has dumped me, and that was a long-gone relationship that was very destructive in its better moments. Plus, I was a little too out of touch with reality at the time to really be ‘broken-hearted’ at the time. I was angry, because we had just recently moved in together and I was stuck paying all the bills, but there was no real emotional devastation. By that point we were both sleeping with other people, and were more like dysfunctional brother and sister than boyfriend and girlfriend, aside from the whole sex thing.
How many times, on average, since were you born have your parents had wild, animalistic sex involving common kitchen utensils? Bonus Points awarded if you caught them in the act.
My mom used to do her boyfriend when she thought I was asleep, but I would hear them. So would my friends when they spent the night. So did our downstairs neighbors. They weren’t very quiet. I got her back though when I was 19 or 20 and paying half the bills. One time she told me she thought that the neighbors were going to call the police to report a murder in progress. She then suggested that I go out and purchase a gag-ball and some WD-40. Ahh, good times.
How many times have you been caught by a spouse/child/boss looking up internet porn?
13.7 times, precisely. Actually, I have no use for internet porn. When I watch porn, it’s with my wife or a group and it’s the good old-fashioned way, on the TV.
Give some examples of random malice you performed, preferably at strangers
Aside from the knife/arm thing and the fights? Well, I held a knife to my friend’s girlfriend’s throat once and made her cry. I thought it was funny, she didn’t. I used to always lunge at strangers like I was going to punch them to get them to flinch and/or duck. One time at high school this girl slapped me at lunchtime. So, I picked her up and stuffed her down into one of the garbage bins, which fell over and she was lying on the floor with garbage all over her. There was a wino that had taken to sleeping in front of my apartment door. Not the main front door, mind you, but my actual apartment’s door, which was upstairs. One day I came home drunk and he was passed out in front of my door blocking my way in. I kicked him a couple times and told him to get up. He didn’t. So I did what any humanitarian would. I pissed on his face. It didn’t wake him up, but it gave me a good laugh.
So now you know why it is that everyone loves me so much. It’s because of what a wonderful person I am. Actually, it should be noted that most of this stuff was from my past and that I have calmed down quite a bit. I am still a vindictive, malicious person, but to nowhere near the extents that I used to be. Anyway, that’s me. I was planning on being funny for this, but then I figured I’d just be honest. You’ll have to forgive me.
imokliel
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Epinions.com ID:
imokliel
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Member: imokliel redux
Location: A Million Places at Once
Reviews written: 21
Trusted by: 75 members
About Me:
You can rest easy and no longer fear for your children's safety. I'm back.
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