Unbiased Reviews by Real People
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Unbiased Reviews by Real People
the 10 best films at not being enjoyable in any way.Jan 22, 2004 (Updated Jan 23, 2004) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line It's the list of he 10 best films at not being enjoyable in anyway.
Yeah yeah, I know, this says the 10 best movies ever, but I've done that one already, and I'm absolutely certain that I've seen a worst list in here somewhere, I'm just to lazy to search through 50+ pages to make sure that it's there. Anyway, whatever the case, here is my list of the 10, again technically 20 but I only have time to review 10, worst films of all time. The films so bad that Epinions forces you to be generous with them and grant a single star even though that is technically 2 stars too many. There couldn't possibly be any films that bad, could there? You know the answer. You've seen at least a few 80's action movies, more than a few made for TV horror movies, and certainly some of those tedious Oscar bait movies that always come out this time of the year. Those are the sort of things I'm trying to help you avoid seeing, the films that are the best at what they do. Unfortunately what they do is to be so appallingly bad that you can't even appreciate them on a making fun of level. Sadly, despite my earnest efforts I had to lose 2001: A Space Odyssey because there are so many boring films that don't even merit respect. However I am still going to use this point to give some merit to award winner Ben Hur, which doesn't deserve the praise it gets and has no redeeming merits, at all!!! Anyway, before I go on to write anything worthwhile in this section I better stop rambling. Here it is, my list of the worst movies of all time. 10. Enough (2002) We'll start off with a recent offering from everyones favorite actress who's currently dating Ben Affleck and who's backside is large enough to provide shelter to any small country in need. So why is Enough one of the worst films of all time? Well for a start it feature's Jennifer Lopez playing a character named slim, that's already a major flaw right there. Other than that, well just look at the plot to this badly filmed man hater. Basically a 90's, women empowerment, pro murder, version of Sleeping With The Enemy. Lopez working in a diner meets some guy, marries him after courting for an unspecified period of time have a child, at the wedding and then enjoy 10 years of blissful marriage. The thing is the guy is evil, he's just waiting for the slightest chance to beat her to death, and only married her for some never quite revealed bet. Takes 10 years for him to hit her, which since he was always ready to do that on the slightest provocation, seems to indicate that they never once even argued, which makes very little sense to me. Then when he does hit her she goes to the police, who say that he could only be held for a few hours, and since she realizes he would be upset after this decides instead to run away while he was asleep. Apparently the fact that running away while he's locked up in a jail cell is safer than while he's asleep mere inches from her face never occurs to her. Then while she gets their child, he wakes up, sneaks down stairs and for some unspecified reason decides to hide in the closet, for suspense I think. Her daughter, who is asleep at the moment, continues to sleep as the closet door crashes open, sleeps soundly as she is ripped from her mothers arms and thrown to a sofa, sleeps yet more as the mother is beaten so badly everyone outside hears, continues to sleep as the back window is smashed, sleeps through a gun shot, and finally wakes up when a neighbour whispers her name from across the room, I guess she wasn't in a coma afterall. This marks an escape which leads to a series of events where the writers tell women that not only will the police not be able to offer them help, but that if your husband has a job as well payed as a builder, then the police will try and kill you themselves. Plus, if your husband is trying to kill you in order to retrieve his child, well he will try and ram your car, child and all, off a cliff for the sake of an exciting car chase. Then when "Slim" decides she's had enough she takes up a few self defense classes which turn her into an instant ninja assassin, and apparently giving her more skills than a Shinobi. So how does she use these sills? Well she gives the very positive message, or so most reviews claim, that breaking into the guys house, planting evidence to make it look like he lured her there, and using some James Bond equipment that she got from some unexplained place, before beating the unsuspecting guy to death, in a scene which the writers already talked you through in case any of that evil suspense may have slipped through. If that's not dumb enough, irresponsible enough to warrant a spot here, then who cares? This is my list, and I despise the film, so it stays!!! -Disclaimer- I know some of the women here have experienced beating, and I fully sympathize with you. Any man that does that deserves to be taught a lesson, however I do not condone the intentional killing of another person for any reason beyond self defense. Any film that not only shows a woman breaking into anothers house for the sake of killing them, but actively praises it as the right thing to do, and even tag lines their film "Self defense isn't murder" even though she was attacking him when she killed him, will be deemed irresponsible by me. 9. Street Fighter (1994) Van Damn is simply one of the most wooden actors going, or at least he was when I was young. Nowadays Keanu Reeves, Paul Walker and Co attain levels that Van Damn was to talented to sink to. Anyway, he couldn't act, he was only enjoyable in a brutal unrelenting action fest akin to Timecop, so casting him in a PG13, 12, rated movie was sort of taking away his best assets. Add to that a slew of other bad actors, a cast of characters who look nothing like their videogame counterparts, a story that had nothing in common with the games tournament, and even directly changed the stories of the individual characters. Removed nearly all one on one fighting, and any special moves beyond a few that could be passed off as nothing, but would make fans go "Hey". Throw in some of the most basic fight choreography, and some of the most laughable attempts at emulating the victory poses of the games characters. Even those fun loving videogame fans from Japan, the skinny guys who dress up as these characters and post their pics on the net, even they made smaller prats of themselves then the cast of this film. A blasphemy to the game of which it was based on, and an insult unmatched until they, erm, went on to release the videogame of the film. http://www.epinions.com/content_124870495876 8. Commando (1985) This is one of those films that those who were in their teens to early 20's in the 80's love. They love it, yet the reasons they give for loving it are the very reasons it deserves to be here on this list. Terrible performance from Arnie, who merely stands there shooting thousands of faceless enemy, who have been so highly trained that they can successfully miss him with every shot. Gee, an unstoppable hero, that's tension filled stuff. Factor in the annoying child character, the cloying dialogue, the frequent references to how unstoppable the main character is, and the sickeningly bad puns and you have a fan favorite that deserves to be remembered as an awful peace of trash. The 80's should have been ashamed of themselves, except that when they also produced the likes of Die Hard, then you realize that writer, director stars, and everyone else involved are responsible for this atrocity, and no time period can be made into the fall guy. 7. Pearl Harbor (2001) Michael Bay makes mindless action fluff, occasionally he likes to include a cloying, insubstantial love story to the background, as he did in Armageddon, yet making that cloying insubstantial love story the main story is the biggest mistake in the history of big mistakes. Bad acting from a group who's combined charisma could probably pull a drunk hooker, with typical Bayish dialogue and you have an Oscar Bait movie that was, thankfully not even recognized by the normally thick chaps that run the Oscars. Sure it had a good battle, but by that point your human soul has freaked out and moved to the Caribbean, so you still remain unaffected. 6. Spice World (1997) Oh god, please just shoot me now to remove the painful memories of this film. You've heard the annoying music right, well the annoying attempts at comedy are even worse. Zero comic timing, horrible puns, and attempts to make the teenage girls wow over the whole girl power nonsense that is portrayed so much better in the films those girls are not allowed to see. At least now they have Whale Rider, make them watch that and let the spice girls career die the death it always should be once the world realized that pretty girls miming to pop songs was nothing new, or it appeared to be the case until we realized that Brittany, Christina and Jessica had taken over. Avoid this film like yo would avoid The spice Girls, it's horrible, and while I have yet to make the same mistake with Crossroads, Spice World doesn't even have anything of the caliber of Brittany in a lovely bit of pink lingerie, so I doubt it threatens the position here. (Note-that last joke was extremely tacky and offensive, be warned that you should not have read it) 5. Jaws: The Revenge (1987) Oh how the mighty can fall. What was once a film of the highest caliber, has been reduced to the dumbest revenge franchise ever. OK, so the second cousin of the aunty of the original sharks girlfriend wants revenge for the death of everyone who came before him. Chiefs now old wife is a little concerned that the shark will come after her and so flees town. Call me crazy, but isn't that a bit of an extreme step for avoiding a shark. Surely not going into the water would be equally effective because, well, lets be honest here, by the time the shark has crawled out of the water, got into a taxi and payed a very shocked driver to take him to town, got to an apartment and broken into your house. By this point the chances are you would smell fish and just run on out of the window. Fleeing town indeed. So anyway, flee town she does, and off to Jamaica, erm, an Island to escape a shark, smart move lady. Well we're dealing with one determined shark here, so her sort off moves to Jamaica to and gets there before the plane. Sharks can swim that fast now, must be one of Deep Blue Sea's GM sharks. So in Jamaica the shark swims and eats it's way through the locals in a series of increasingly dumb and suspenses seen it all before scenes, but not forgetting to take on a plane, and prove that sharks really do roar like Tigers. As one comic put it, it would have been better set in Alaska. Character sledding along the ice, when a familiar fin cracks through. Looking back in horror the character screams the immortal line "He's gaining on us, Mush damn it Mush!!!"", because lets face it, it would have made more sense than the story we were provided with. Horrible acting and terrible effects also abound. 4. Dude, Where's My Car? (2000) Man, how do I hate this film. Sean William Scott and Demi Moore's latest bit of fluff Ashton Kutcher playing Bill And Ted Wannabes who lose a car in a night of drug fueled, can't remember what the drugs fueled. On the way to defeating planet destroying Aliens who take the form of hot babes, and kissing the most popular girl in school, they also discover their new tattoos with the words Dude and Sweet. "What does mine say?" "Duude, what does mine say?" "Sweet, but what does mine say?" "Sweet, but seriously what does mine say?" and so on and so forth. They deserve to be shot for that scene alone. 3. Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000) I'm not going to keep repeating that title, but Battlefield Earth is a film that transcends dumbness. Aliens invade Earth, defeating our armies in 6 minutes, but at the end a group of cavemen use the same weapons to send them packing. Before that happens the Aliens use these cavemen to mine for gold, but discovering Fort Knox, which is not exactly a small place that the Aliens would have missed, and save time by giving them that gold. They use the excuse that mining the gold and giving it to the aliens would take too long, so instead the take the simpler approach of mining gold, melting it down, moulding into bar form, cooling it off and imprinting symbols on it before giving it to the Aliens. Which these ever so smart aliens see the reasoning behind. Terrible acting, including John Travolta playing a Klingon with a squeaky version of an English English accent (2 words intended). Action remains unexciting and the effects are awful. 2. Freddy Got Fingered (2001) Disgusting. Absolute filth, and a total insult to IQ's everywhere. As one critic put it "Freddy Got Fingered" is the best film to feature a boy masturbating an elephant in years." and I don't think he meant that to infer their was any other mainstream films to feature such nonsense. Tom Green has neither the flair to make it outside of Saturday Night Live, (which he apparently doesn't have the flair to make it on anyway) nor the charisma to avoid a lynching for this kind of crap. Not funny, not witty and definitely not good. Watch it only if you really think my above description sounded funny, in that case either I am a very bad critic or you are one of those people that appreciates such drivel, because 99% of all people should hate this film regardless of age, colour or country of birth. 1. Noah's Ark (1999) So here we are, number one, the worst film of all time, and it's a bible story. So is it's ranking purely because of how far fetched the story is? No, I actually believe the bible, everything it says, and there's plenty of archeological evidence to suggest that there was once a global flood. No the reason this is the worst film ever is because it really is the worst film ever. Forgetting the fact that the writers had never read a bible, Noah living in Sodom even though that particular city descended from one of his grandsons, so wasn't a pre flood city. Forgetting the fact that lot was all evil, and definitely try to forget that he led the laughing villagers on a pirate ship, because all that nonsense is irrelevant. The fact that God's portrayal will offend anyone with a religious belief should be noted, but for those without those beliefs how about this. A story as epic and full of emotional, claustrophobic potential as that of the flood is turned into histories biggest farce. One son goes insane and befriends a fruit, never once underplaying it, John Voight's Noah is a senile fool, and his wife has no personality. One of his sons begins walking around on stilts, and his wife does the same, and God decides to spare Noah and his family because they whistle. There's a traveling merchant on the waters that defeats the loneliness of it all, the effects are terrible and the acting is only suitable for the characters which we are given. Horrid, horrid and did I mention horrid? Words can not describe how bad it truly is, and even the lengthiest of reviews would not do it justice. Just avoid this film, under sentence of death!!! The Rest 11. Core, The (2003) 12. Cyborg (1989) 13. Fortress 2 (1999) 14. Fortress (1993) 15. Batman & Robin (1997) 16. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997) 17. Running Man, The (1987) 18. Time Machine, The (2002) 19. Friday the 13th (1980) 20. Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)  |
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