Lord of the Things - Act III, Part II Feb 06 '04    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Books Rick Bragg - Somebody Told Me: The Newspaper Stories of Rick Bragg From $6 260 Drum Machine Patterns From $8 The Bottom Line Act III, part II of my VI-part parody of Lord of the Rings Starring: Carl_Lazarevic as Merry JanKP as Pippin CaptainD as Gandalf Oldcomixfan as Legolas 29th_Candidate as Aragorn Cosmoandgunner as Gimli Drdevience as Eowyn Voxpoptart as Gollum * Sexes have been (occasionally) changed to protect the innocent.. erm… oh yeah, and ‘cos Tolkein had a habit of not writing many good female parts… ********** The Journey Continues – Act III, Part II ********** Merry and Pippin stumbled along the dark woods. The sounds of Orc-bashing had long since dwindled away, and they had killed several small bugs and rodents with their bear hands. Merry was now level 2 with a 5 Skunk Protection Pouch of Anger, while Pippin was level3 with a 25HP bonus, and had learned to cast “Dancing Feet”. But many more adventures lay before them before they could face the fearsome Werewolf of Dread and his compatriot, the Wraith of Wrath. “Stop playing Legends of Zoldu, Pippin, we need to live in the real imaginary world here!”, shouted Merry, under the thunderous noise of the waterfall. “Oh quit it Merry, it’s not like we’re in any real danger here. Just look at this lovely flower, for instance.” Pippin daintily sniffed the flower, which sprayed him with toxic gas. He daintily fell on a dainty lee. “The great warrior has been felled by a tiny flower”, mutter Merry, carrying in his arms his comrade-in-arms. “What an embarrassment.” ********** “Come on Theoden, me old china”, said Gandalf the Cockney (he was known by many names), “Just come and help us bash Saruman and everything’ll be all right.” “He is slow to action – like a snail caught in Golden Syrup from Loth-Lorien”, intoned Legolas. “The wind quickens – and a Big Brother contestant is evicted”, groaned Aragorn. “Nobody tosses a Dwarf, nobody tosses a Dwarf … now when exactly is it that I’m supposed to say that?”, mumbled Gimli. “Long time I fell…”, began Theoden. “No me old cock-sparrow, that’s my line. You’re about to tell us who Saruman is in league with – we suspect Walmart.” “Was I? Um, yeah, I suppose… just let me look at the script a minute…” There was a few seconds as Theoden read his lines, then his brows furrowed deeply and he gave a sharp exclamation, put his hand to his head, and sat down heavily. “Eowyn, go see to your father!”, commanded Aragorn. Eowyn uttered an unladylike expression. “It’s all right my dear, I was just taken aback. It is a power far worse than Walmart could ever be. IT is… is… the dread evil force known as… as… as………..” “Shall I come back in an hour?”, snarled Aragorn, while turning over to page 220 of “Disestablishmentarianism – Is It Right For You?”. “This evil word has not been uttered in these halls for many eons… do you expect me to say it now?!??!” “Uh…yeah. That was the general idea.” “Better out than in, that’s what I always say”, said Legolas with great gravity. “Okay then. I shall say it.” There was a pause. “What are you waiting for?”, asked Aragorn, glaring. Eowyn swore at him, or perhaps the world in general. “Suspense. Don’t you know anything about acting?” And then, with a voice that bellowed more than Brian Blessed finding that there’s no more toilet paper, he cried: “The ancient evil of which I speak is none other than …. MICROSFOT.” Aragorn gasped. Gandalf sighed. Gimli groaned. Legolas uttered an Elvish lament. Eowyn said a bad word. Gandalf mustered courage and said, “It is even worse than I feared. But take heart! I’m not so much green as cabbage-looking!” “You say what?” “Erm… nohing. Just try not to screw up. Follow me to Helm’s Deep!” Gimli knew what his lines where this time, and they weren’t “nobody tosses a Dwarf”. ”Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to die we go…” ********** “Hoom hoom, you are very small”, boomed Treebeard. “Right. And you, may I say, are very big. But, and I must emphasise the but, size isn’t everything. It’s what you do with it that counts.” Pippin was back with the living and in the mood to try out some psychology. Sometimes he thought he was a doctor, though no-one believed him (Most people didn’t believe he was really male either, but that’s only because he drew the short straw and got played by an actress…) Treebeard considered this. “Well, I was going to tread on you but decided not to. Now I’m beginning to think it wouldn’t be such a bad idea…” “And as I was saying, the bigger the better”, said Merry quickly, not too bright but very quick when it came to self-preservation. “Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s go trash Saruman’s place!”, exclaimed the Ent. “Er… I thought Ents were supposed to be slow and ponderous, and considered making a decision in less than a month extremely hasty, and all that sort of thing?” asked Pippin. “Oh yeah well that’s okay in a 1000 page book, but it wouldn’t work here. Didn’t quite happen that way in the film, either. It’s the result that counts.” Merry and Pippin agreed. You don’t tend to argue too much with a being that weighs 600 times as much as you – especially when you’re a Hobbit, and weight 4 times as much as an average human. ********** “Gollum”, said Gollum. And that says it all, really. ---------- Act IV coming soon… Act I Act II Act III Part I Book Reviews Lord of the Rings The Silmarillian The Hobbit Bored of the Rings The Films The Fellowship of the Rings The Two Towers The Return of the King I’m holding auditions for the parts in Act IV now – contact CaptainD if you’re interested Memo to those who appeared in Act III part II – you didn’t volunteer, so don’t expect to get paid. Memo to those who will appear in Act Iv – you’re volunteers, so don’t expect to get paid.

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