And So To Bed: The Porn Name Write-OffFeb 7, 2004 (Updated Feb 9, 2004) Write an essay on this topic.
Popular Products in FurnitureThe Bottom Line Best read to the accompaniment of "Sex (I'm A Man)" by Berlin and "Come Up And See Me (Make Me Smile)" by Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel.
Hi, Im educatedphool. You may remember me from such write-offs as well, basically everything Ive done in the past six months or so. Sad, isnt it. I used to write decent music reviews too.
Anyway, here are my porno names as created in accordance with the rules set by Romasuave. Look here- http://www.epinions.com/content_3742474372 for the list of participants. And, seeing as its late on a Saturday night and I have just retired from an exhaustive Host A Murder, youll also get added authors notes and perhaps some random psychotic ramblings er, inserted at the end. *cymbal crash* You lucky things, you.
1. (Name of your first dog) + (your Mothers maiden name) ((dog can be substituted for another pet))
[Authors Note: Inevitably, that sounds like someone who should be singing American Life In The Summertime instead of a potential handle for someone with a Career in the Adult Film Industry. Ah well. Given the choice between writhing around on itchy satin/ sticky plastic with a total stranger and Drinking Beer Til The Beer Runs Dry, I know which Id prefer. (Hint: its the second one)]
(Authors Note #2: That song rules, doesnt it?)
2. (Name of [not my] current car) + (The street that intersects the one you live on) ((if you dont have a car name your dream car [or the one which is currently sitting purposeless on the front lawn for no apparent reason]))
[Authors Note: Really, thats an affectionate nickname for the automobile in question. I love it but hate the fact that it doesnt possess a CD player. My mother used to drive it but now its become a sort of large maroon pet that lives on the lawn. We have a white Statesman in the same position. Ive often noticed it casting longing glances at the S-Bomb. If only they were alive ]
3. (First name of Favorite celebrity) + (Von) + (Favorite store) ((if store has a long name, use the last word in the name))
[Authors Note: Oh God.]
Hm Weird Al Von Baskin-Robbins?
4. (Best Friends 1st name) + (Mac) + (city of residence name) ((if more than 1 word, use the last word))
Stanley the Tight-Fisted Scotsman MacValley
[Authors Note: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh my goodness. That is just divine. Its all so perfect. And, according to me and most of the neighbourhoods female population, hed make a great porn star if he ever got tired of earning a million dollars per second and chucked his current job. In other words, if he went suddenly and totally insane. MacValley girl, Im a MacValley girl! OK fine, for sure for sure!]
5. (Favorite cut of steak) ((Chuck, Porter, York, Mignon, or Sirloin)) + (Von) + (favorite food)
Chuck Von Wiener Schnitzel
[Authors Note: All right, all right. I wouldnt know what any of these cuts of steak were, but I thought the name Chuck von Wiener Schnitzel sounded appropriate. If you want to know about cuts of steak, youll have to ask the subject of Question Four.]
6. (Your nickname) + (Del) + (favorite 2 word phrase)
Yo Mama Del F*ck Dude
[Authors Note: In the immortal halting words of Jackie Chan in Rush Hour, good God, you all. Of all of the entries to this W/O that Ive read, most of Epinions favourite two-word phrases seem to contain expletives. Its a mad mad mad mad inarticulate world.]
7. (Generic Adjective) + (Generic verb + er)
[Authors Note: Where in Heavens name did that spring from? Oh, Im not even going to think about that one.]
8. (Generic 4-letter word) + (Generic 5-letter word)
King Hufungo. OK, OK, thats not a five-letter word, but it *is* a damned good porn name. Seriously, does anyone actually use the expression hufungo [adj.]- enormous, massive, outsized anymore? I certainly havent heard it since about 1996.
Now, a real answer to this question: er Babe Glory. Or something of that nature.
9. (Item in Bathroom + y) + (Mac) + (item in kitchen)
[Authors Note: Combining all these household goods may not be such a good idea. The power of suggestion and all that.]
10. (Favorite season) + (nickname for breasts)
[Authors Note: Do you mean mine or other peoples? Because in my case, it would be Winter Nothing. Although theyre not quite so nothing any more. They enjoyed a growth spurt as soon as I broke up with a guy who had wished they were more bountiful. Up yours, dude.]
I suppose my real answer to this question would be Winter Rack.
[Authors Note #2: That sounds almost edible. Hey Mom, what are we having for dinner? Why, its Winter Rack! Hot, spicy and perfectly seasoned, or something.]
11. (Name a planet.....Gee, I wonder which one most will pick....) + (verb that ends in s)
[Authors Note: Or, if you wanted to do jailbird porn, perhaps Uranus Expands. Ooh, stop it, youre killing me.]
So, those are my submissions *groan* . I believe were being asked to select our two favourites to be considered for some high honour. Well, I think Ill go with King Hufungo (although that one will be automatically disqualified seeing as it didnt comply with the rules, but I like it) and, naturally, Stanley the Tight-Fisted Scotsman MacValley. Unfortunately for the many women I know who would love for those tight fists to venture into their macvalleys, my friend is not at all likely to engage in the previously mentioned act of writhing around as if in excruciating pain on lurid satin sheets in the name of Art. But we can dream.
And, you know what? By now Im far too tired for psychotic rambling. Well, good. Discovering my inner blue-movie star has been a very rewarding exercise, but a tiring one. Goodnight.
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