Unbiased Reviews by Real People
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Unbiased Reviews by Real People
And So To Bed: The Porn Name Write-OffFeb 7, 2004 (Updated Feb 9, 2004) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Best read to the accompaniment of "Sex (I'm A Man)" by Berlin and "Come Up And See Me (Make Me Smile)" by Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel.
Hi, I’m educatedphool. You may remember me from such write-offs as… well, basically everything I’ve done in the past six months or so. Sad, isn’t it. I used to write decent music reviews too. Anyway, here are my porno names as created in accordance with the rules set by Romasuave. Look here- http://www.epinions.com/content_3742474372 for the list of participants. And, seeing as it’s late on a Saturday night and I have just retired from an exhaustive Host A Murder, you’ll also get added “author’s notes” and perhaps some random psychotic ramblings… er, inserted at the end. *cymbal crash* You lucky things, you. 1. (Name of your first dog) + (your Mother’s maiden name) ((dog can be substituted for another pet)) Champagne Dunnery [Author’s Note: Inevitably, that sounds like someone who should be singing “American Life In The Summertime” instead of a potential handle for someone with a Career in the Adult Film Industry. Ah well. Given the choice between writhing around on itchy satin/ sticky plastic with a total stranger and Drinking Beer ‘Til The Beer Runs Dry, I know which I’d prefer. (Hint: it’s the second one)] (Author’s Note #2: That song rules, doesn’t it?) 2. (Name of [not my] current car) + (The street that intersects the one you live on) ((if you don’t have a car name your dream car [or the one which is currently sitting purposeless on the front lawn for no apparent reason])) Sh!tbomb Cardinale [Author’s Note: Really, that’s an affectionate nickname for the automobile in question. I love it but hate the fact that it doesn’t possess a CD player. My mother used to drive it but now it’s become a sort of large maroon pet that lives on the lawn. We have a white Statesman in the same position. I’ve often noticed it casting longing glances at the S-Bomb. If only they were alive…] 3. (First name of Favorite celebrity) + (Von) + (Favorite store) ((if store has a long name, use the last word in the name)) [Author’s Note: Oh God.] Hm… Weird Al Von Baskin-Robbins? 4. (Best Friend’s 1st name) + (Mac) + (city of residence name) ((if more than 1 word, use the last word)) Stanley the Tight-Fisted Scotsman MacValley [Author’s Note: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh my goodness. That is just divine. It’s all so perfect. And, according to me and most of the neighbourhood’s female population, he’d make a great porn star if he ever got tired of earning a million dollars per second and chucked his current job. In other words, if he went suddenly and totally insane. MacValley girl, I’m a MacValley girl! OK fine, for sure for sure!] 5. (Favorite cut of steak) ((Chuck, Porter, York, Mignon, or Sirloin)) + (Von) + (favorite food) Chuck Von Wiener Schnitzel [Author’s Note: All right, all right. I wouldn’t know what any of these cuts of steak were, but I thought the name Chuck von Wiener Schnitzel sounded appropriate. If you want to know about cuts of steak, you’ll have to ask the subject of Question Four.] 6. (Your nickname) + (Del) + (favorite 2 word phrase) Yo Mama Del F*ck Dude [Author’s Note: In the immortal halting words of Jackie Chan in “Rush Hour”, good God, you all. Of all of the entries to this W/O that I’ve read, most of Epinions’ favourite two-word phrases seem to contain expletives. It’s a mad mad mad mad inarticulate world.] 7. (Generic Adjective) + (Generic verb + er) Pulsating Tosser [Author’s Note: Where in Heaven’s name did that spring from? Oh, I’m not even going to think about that one.] 8. (Generic 4-letter word) + (Generic 5-letter word) King Hufungo. OK, OK, that’s not a five-letter word, but it *is* a damned good porn name. Seriously, does anyone actually use the expression “hufungo” [adj.]- enormous, massive, outsized …anymore? I certainly haven’t heard it since about 1996. Now, a real answer to this question: er… Babe Glory. Or something of that nature. 9. (Item in Bathroom + y) + (Mac) + (item in kitchen) Crappery MacPlunger [Author’s Note: Combining all these household goods may not be such a good idea. The power of suggestion and all that.] 10. (Favorite season) + (nickname for breasts) [Author’s Note: Do you mean mine or other people’s? Because in my case, it would be “Winter Nothing”. Although they’re not quite so nothing any more. They enjoyed a growth spurt as soon as I broke up with a guy who had wished they were more bountiful. Up yours, dude.] I suppose my real answer to this question would be Winter Rack. [Author’s Note #2: That sounds almost edible. Hey Mom, what are we having for dinner? Why, it’s Winter Rack! Hot, spicy and perfectly seasoned, or something.] 11. (Name a planet.....Gee, I wonder which one most will pick....) + (verb that ends in ‘s’) Jupiter Throbs [Author’s Note: Or, if you wanted to do jailbird porn, perhaps “Uranus Expands”. Ooh, stop it, you’re killing me.] So, those are my submissions *groan* . I believe we’re being asked to select our two favourites to be considered for some high honour. Well, I think I’ll go with King Hufungo (although that one will be automatically disqualified seeing as it didn’t comply with the rules, but I like it) and, naturally, Stanley the Tight-Fisted Scotsman MacValley. Unfortunately for the many women I know who would love for those tight fists to venture into their macvalleys, my friend is not at all likely to engage in the previously mentioned act of writhing around as if in excruciating pain on lurid satin sheets in the name of Art. But we can dream. And, you know what? By now I’m far too tired for psychotic rambling. Well, good. Discovering my inner blue-movie star has been a very rewarding exercise, but a tiring one. Goodnight.  |
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