Granniemose "Sees" Dr. Freudine...Or Is It A 29th Hallucination?
Feb 16 '04 (Updated Feb 17 '04)
The Bottom Line Revised and hopefully better for book continuity!
AUTHOR’S NOTE—Dr. Freudine, my psychiatrist alter-ego, is greatly entertained by this hallucination of Granniemose, my adopted, online grandmother, which is inspired by the entertaining things she has written. Please check out her profile for her reviews and creative posts. Other characters, 29th_Candidate, artbyjude and DavidMac, are also very witty writers to check out.
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As I walk into my office, I freeze at the sound of babbling and heavy breathing, and my first thought is to back out again before the intruder could attack me. Just then I spy out of the corner of my eye a dark, unshapely figure lying on the couch and making jerky movements as if in deep sleep. How did she ever get in a locked room? Silently I let myself in and through the darkness find my seat while an idea forms in my mind.
“What are you doing now?” I ask softly, eagerly.
“I’m puffing from exertion,” mumbles what seems to be an elderly woman. “Trudging down the empty, gold-carpeted hallway with a hesitation at each door on the left side. 342, I growl. Two more to go! Well, finally, puff, puff this must be it. 344, like the card says. I’m going to flay that daughter of mine like a pancake if Dr. Freudine isn’t here...
I smile, leaning forward to catch all the words. This should be very interesting!
“I rap on the door. No answer. Try again a little harder and the door swings open. I lean forward, lose my balance and stumble inside. Hello, I call to the dark. Suddenly the lights pop on around me as if takin’ my constarned picture and I gasp.
“Dr. Freudine, looking lovely in pale pink, whisks around in her chair to face me. ‘Hello, my dear. Smile! You’re on Candid Camera! Hahaha. Just kiddin’.’
“I say, Dr. Freudine, is that really you? I can’t tell...
“She retorts, ‘I should hope so. I’ve never been anyone else. Have you? Been anyone else, I mean? No, I can see you haven’t been so inclined. Perhaps you would like a couch and we’ll get started?’
“I say, With all these lights? I can’t even see the couch with them blinding me...
“She goes ‘Hmm. But it’s quite dim in here, my dear. Only my desk lamp is turned on low. Hmm. Let me help you then.’ (She jumps up to give me her arm.)
“I snicker, Oh thank you, little rebel!
“Dr. Freudine frowns, such an alarmed look on her face! Why do you call me ‘little rebel’?, she asks.
“I laugh like a girl, heeheehee! Oh, don’t you remember? I gave you the nickname a long time ago, but actually you called yourself that and it just suited you so well.
“She’s going back to her desk thoughtfully, maybe she is angry. ‘Really? You remember being my patient a long time ago? Tell me what you remember if you would. Were there bright lights then also?’
“I cough (cough, cough) and scold her. Why, no, silly. Everyone knows you’re jankp, the health-nut writer I call ‘little rebel.’ That’s how Jude my daughter and I came to hear about you.”
I gasp audibly, suddenly certain that this jankp is behind all this as a joke and would now pop out from behind the door. But the no-nonsense voice runs on.
“She looks real startled. ‘I have no knowledge of such a personage,’ she huffs. ‘I’m certainly not a health nut or a writer beyond my session notes.’
“I giggle. If you say so, Dr.
“Dr. Freudine cries, ‘Well, I do say so! I don’t have an alter-ego, a dark side, an evil twin. Why, the very idea is preposterous! I’m no rebel either. I’m a doctor of reputable skill, a psychiatrist, I tell you.’”
Who is this woman? She knows me so well!
“I close my eyes and sigh happily, then lights turn on and I open them. I knew it! It is you, after all, you handsome devil.
“ 29th_Candidate sits behind the desk where Dr. Freudine was..."
I gawk at the figure on the couch, becoming more confused.
"...and drawls, ‘At your service, sweet lady.’
“I say, that sounds more like what I thought you’d sound like. All charm and sexiness. I can just barely make your face out. There, you’ve lowered the lights, haven’t you? Now that you’ve revealed yourself, what’re ya doin’ here? Isn’t this Dr. Freudine’s office?
“He looks all confused. ‘Certainly, but who do you think is Dr. Freudine?’
“I go Oh! You mean you’ve been the doctor all along?
“He laughs low and sexy. Well, darlin’ lady, who really is this doctor you’ve never met in real life, but only on the International Super Highway? Is she simply jankp’s alter-ego or mine or yours even? How do we know who Dr. Freudine is?’
“I blanche. You mean...But Jude said I should see Dr. Freudine, gave me her business card and this was number 344...
“He smiles, look at those white teeth. He says, ‘My irrepressibly delightful Grannie, you tease me! I know you know what I mean.’
“I'm blushing. Jude wouldn’t, but I do, 29th. You always make me think, I like that at my age. Your tongue-trippin’ words simply intoxicate me! Darlin', dearie, doll, dream lover, delight of delights, divine goddess...
“ 29th goes Here, here, that’s enough of that. How would you know...
“I gush some more. I can listen to you for hours, over and over I’ll play back your words to marvel at the depth of understanding you have. I know just what you mean, that Dr. Freudine is all of us seeking to understand each other.
“He looks pleased with my words. ‘Go on.’
“I blank out. Well, isn’t that what you meant? We’ve created Dr. Freudine as a bridge to each other, you, me, jankp. That’s what soul mates do after all! Possibly preposterous people pondering practically purposeful problems.
“He goes hmm. I think I’m gettin' drunk on your words, you witch.
“I get real flustered. Oh my, I cry.
“ 29th sighs. ‘You can bewitch my mind like a lover, caress my brain cells into heights of pleasure, and sear into my darkest soul with the very utterance of your voice. How am I to live in sanity, I implore you, how? You sound just like me! (He reaches clumsily for something in his breast pocket and pulls out a clear, plastic bag containing white powder.) I’ll be okay in a minute. Go on with what you were sayin’, ol’ girl.’
“I lose it, yell 29th, that isn’t what I think it is, is it?
“He winks at me, the devil.’ You know me too well, my dear. Now you see what you and jankp have driven me to.’
“Suddenly the door opens and Dr. Freudine’s New Client strides in. Stop, he exclaims as if he’s a stop sign and holds up a hand.
“ 29th yelps and drops the bag. ‘The kid! How did you know I was thinking of you? You’ve driven me crazy the most ever since I botched your session with Doc. I have nightmares of you doin’ what you just did...Where’s my stuff?’
“I panic, my voice shakes. B...but D...Dr. Freudine is all of us, 29th. Y...you don’t need that stuff, please!
“The Kid squeaks, ‘Who is that crazy lady and where’s Dr. Freudine? I need to talk to her about this girl Melissa. She’s ignoring me...’
“ 29th snorts, ‘So are we.’ (He opens the bag and licks a finger.)
“I gasp, try to get up...”
I become alarmed as the figure struggles on the couch, thinking I should try to calm her down. “I’m okay, darlin’. No need to worry!” I try in a husky voice.
“No, 29th! Don’t do it! I love you!” she sobs, flailing her arms as I jump up to rush to her in the dark, then falls off the couch, knocking herself out. I grope for the light switch and kneel down by her, trembling. Just as I’m to smooth back the wiry gray hair, the door bursts open and a horrified, chaotically-dressed lady I don’t know takes in the situation.
“Mom!” she screams, hands cupping her mouth, and slides on her knees into her mother’s body. The old lady groans. “So here you are, you bad girl. I can’t take my eyes off you for one minute and you’re up to somethin’.”
“Jude? Is that you?” mumbles the old woman. “I came to...”
The daughter heaves a sigh. “Yes, I can see that, dear!” She looks at me with a scowl. “I don’t want you anywhere near her. You can see what it does to her.”
“But, um, Jude...,” I protest. She ignores me while helping her mother to her feet and just like that they’re gone. For moments I stare at the door, hoping 29th or that jankp would appear, laughing, but nobody comes. It’s so bizarre and unexplainable that I give up and fool myself into thinking I just dreamed it so I can prepare for the day.
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