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Cruise Primer: So you are thinking of taking a cruiseFeb 18 '04 (Updated Sep 12 '05) Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line This review is meant as a general crash course on cruises; bypassing subjects amply covered in guidebooks, but aiming to provide practical advice and supplemental information. OVERVIEW This review contains general advice on mainstream cruising, geared primarily to people who have never cruised before (although I will only be pleased if veterans find helpful information in it). TO CRUISE OR NOT TO CRUISE? CRUISE VACATION vs. LAND VACATION Cruises are all about luxury. Pampering. Indulgence. Pure, sinful, unadulterated fun, largely bereft of any redeeming qualities. Once you have made up your mind to take a cruise, you will probably find one that suits your tastes. Whether or not to take a cruise at all, however, depends largely on your philosophy, your level of guilt, and what you expect to get out of traveling. Generally, a cruise is a less educational, less authentic, less culturally enriching experience than a land trip. This is not always the case (see, "Picking an itinerary", later in this review), but it is the general trend. Port time is short, limiting access to inland attractions as well as opportunities to get a genuine taste of local life. On the plus side, a cruise provides an incredibly relaxing, restful, sybaritic vacation, which may be just what your poor frazzled stressed-out self needs to recharge its battery; and you get to experience (if superficially) several different cultures and places. PICKING AN ITINERARY Some factors crucial to picking an itinerary -- notably the season -- are either so self-evident or so dependent on personal preferences, that I will not bother to discuss them. Instead, I will focus on some additional important issues, which guidebooks generally gloss over. The general axiom -- that cruises are mindless fun as compared to land vacations -- has several important bells and whistles on it. In an exception to the general rule, certain regions of the world are most practicably explored aboard a cruiseship. These include regions packed with small islands (the Caribbean, duh), Norwegian fjords, the Arctic, Antarctica, and river itineraries. A cruise, however, may not be an ideal way to explore certain other locales. In Europe, for example, most top attractions are located too far inland to permit a cruiser to experience them comfortably (if at all). Therefore, while I am sure that European itineraries have their own unique advantages, a cruise may not be the best way to familiarize oneself with the historical and cultural treasures of Europe. Many cruiselines nowadays address this problem by blending the best of what cruises and land trips have to offer in so-called "cruisetours" -- itineraries of 12 or more days, combining a traditional cruise with an extended land excursion. If you are able to take a vacation longer than a week, then cruisetours should be strongly considered for such regions as Europe, Alaska, and South America. Once you have settled on the region and the length of cruise, the next thing to consider is the number of days at sea. A week-long cruise will spend at least one day at sea, a two-week cruise -- at least 3 or 4 days. Days-at-sea are when ships make the most profit. These are the days when you spend more than ever on pricey extras, such as spa services and drinks. These are the days when you are most likely to pack on extra pounds shuttling between the martini lounge and the all-you-can-eat lunch buffet. These are the days when the pools and the sauna are the most crowded. These are the days when, while you do not necessarily have to be bored, there is a lot less to do than on port days. None of this is meant to say that days-at-sea are a disadvantage in and of themselves. A single day at sea in the middle of a jam-packed itinerary is actually a welcome respite from active land excursions and a pleasant change of pace. However, a week-long cruise which contains four days-at-sea is likely to be a lot less enjoyable and a lot more expensive than a cruise should be; cross it off your list. PICKING THE SHIP How about picking the cruiseline first? In the past few years, mainstream lines have been in a race to outdo each other in shooting out ever bigger, more modern, more amenity-packed ships. Carnival, Princess, Norwegian, Celebrity, and Royal Caribbean International rival each other in the splendor of their newest vessels. With that in mind, choosing the ship is more important than choosing the cruiseline. There are, of course, certain features peculiar to particular cruiselines, which distinguish them from others in the bunch. If you are looking for great food, for example, Crystal Cruises consistently holds the flag as the top operator in that category. But Crystal is an ultraluxury line; among the mainstream lines, Celebrity is particularly distinguished for its superior food and service. And if you are averse to the idea of wearing tux and evening gowns to dinner, then Norwegian may appeal to you with its all-casual dining policy. At the end of this essay, I mention a couple of websites that offer in-depth reviews of specific cruiselines and ships, as well as ship facts. Given the comparable amenities on the latest vessels, as well as similar pricing, you will probably end up looking at several ships from different cruiselines. Before delving into the often confusing and contradictory passenger reviews, it is important to check out raw ship stats: year of manufacture; gross tonnage; passenger capacity; pools, saunas, entertainment facilities, etc.; Internet facilities (if any); and cabin square-footage. Beyond that, passenger reviews offer helpful additional information about the ship. However, they are frequently contradictory, and you may often find the same thing praised in one review and reviled in another. Ways to parse through contradictions raised by negative reviews include the following: 1. Poor service. The reliability of complaints regarding shoddy service, rude staff, etc. depends on their consistency. Shoking death-stare incidents recounted in only one or two reviews can be safely dismissed as an aberration (if not simple overreacting by the reviewers). 2. Bad food. I do not mean to offend anybody out there, but when I read a review criticizing the food, one of the things I look for is clues as to the reviewer's geographic location. Again, no offense intended, but I give more weight to food reviews from people who live in major cities and undisputed centers of epicurean culture, than from those who hail from the less sophisticated regions. While there are exceptions (of course), people from more remote regions tend to be more conservative in their tastes, and their criticism is often a function of that conservatism, rather than a reflection of genuine defects. Another thing to look for in bad-food reviews (as in any reviews) is particularity: what makes the food bad? what is the variety of the food? what kinds of foods predominate? etc. Reviews which consist of generalized ranting and raving can be safely ignored. 3. Unsatisfactory stateroom. Again, look for particulars. What is the cause of the reviewer's complaint -- layout? space? closets? noise level? Some complaints have more to do with the stateroom's location on the ship, rather than with its inherent defects. In that case, it is not necessary to cross the ship off your list, but you will have valuable clues to choosing the stateroom when booking. 4. Other issues. Some complaints, while reflecting an unsatisfactory cruise experience, really have nothing to do with the ship. These are usually complaints about destinations, port facilities, and freak occurrences ashore. While these reviews are helpful in picking the itinerary, they should not be taken as criticism of the vessel. Megaship or "intimate" ship? I am sure that it is repeatedly said that the optimum size is a matter of personal preference. I nevertheless cannot resist the temptation to weigh in on this issue. Megaships are exciting. However "well-appointed" smaller vessels may be, megaships invariably pack more amenities, more frills, more entertainment options, and just plain more space. This is where engineers and designers on the cutting edge of ship-building really go wild and dazzle you senseless. Megaships are also more comfortable to cruisers who may be prone to motion sickness, and during sea days, they cut down on the cabin-fever factor. Megaships have practical disadvantages, of course. Given their size and the great number of passengers they carry, megaships cannot visit some of the more remote and pristine destinations for technical, environmental, and even political reasons. In places which they can visit, megaships' size sometimes (though not always) makes it impossible for them to dock in historical harbors close to local attractions; instead, these ships have to tender passengers ashore in small boats or dock in out-of-the-way cargo terminals. Moreover, some itineraries are almost exclusively the province of smaller expedition vessels for reasons of demand. Let's face it: suburban families don't exactly line up in waiting lists to sail to Greenland. Ultraluxury or just plain luxury? More affluent folks must also contend with the issue of whether to choose an ultraluxury cruiseline or a mainstream one. Here is the thing: with the exception of Cunard's new Queen Mary 2, ultraluxury lines are composed invariably of smaller vessels. If you prefer a megaship, mainstream lines offer luxury accommodations and various perks. WHEN TO BOOK The price of cruises does not fluctuate as wildly as that of airline tickets, for example, and cruises do get sold out early. On mainstream ships, inside and cheaper outside staterooms are the first to go; and smaller ultraluxury vessels sell out particularly fast. There are, of course, various "hot" 90-day deals and such, but they offer modest savings and create a real risk of being stuck with limited options. If you want to avoid the aggravation, it is a good idea to book a mainstream cruise about six month in advance, and an ultraluxury cruise -- from eight months to a year ahead. WHAT TO EXPECT ONBOARD First things first: getting on and off the ship. Megaship reviews often contain complaints about messy embarkation and disembarkation. A ship's usual turnover time between discharging old passengers and boarding new ones is only about 2 to 4 hours. As much as the cruiseline may aim to please, there is simply no easy way, particularly with the new security considerations, to swap as many as four thousand passengers and their tens of thousands of bags on and off the ship in a manner that is pleasant and enjoyable. The key to minimize the tsores is to board as early as possible, before the crowds arrive; settle in, unpack, and then take a stroll in the city before departure. At the end of the cruise, try to get off the ship early as well, even if you don't have to rush to make a connection. And if waiting in a taxi line for 40 minutes or so is enough to ruin your dream vacation, you may be well-advised to splurge and reserve a limo. Cruiseships usually make these arrangements for you at no extra charge. Those pesky "extras". Cruiselines, particularly in the ultraluxury stratum, are including more and more things into the value of the cruise. On most mainstream ships, however, the following things are tacked on to the cost of your cruise (usually via a special charge card): 1. Tips to various service personnel -- about $10 per person, per day. 2. Spa -- probably the most expensive "extra", but those heavenly treatments are hard to pass up. While we are on the subject of spas -- if you plan to get anything done in the spa or the beauty salon, book an appointment as soon as you board the ship. Sea days get fully booked before the ship even leaves the port of embarkation. If you are interested, it is a good idea to learn about the spa services on your ship in advance of your cruise. 3. Shore excursions -- expensive, but they are usually a safe bet. Going with a local tour operator may save you money, but I recently had a very scarring experience in Barbados. Suffice it to say, if you venture on your own, you are out of your cruiseline's hands and at a stranger's mercy. That does not mean that you are likely to get robbed in gunpoint, but it is scary enough, if you don't hit it off with your local guide, to be dropped off on a country road in the middle of nowhere -- an eyesore of a tourist who obviously does not know where to go or what to do. 3. Drinks -- they add up. Particularly when there is an automatic 15% service charge included in every bill. 4. Casino (if there is one). Avoiding weight gain. Cruises are invariably associated with horror stories about people packing on 8-10 pounds in a single week. For the most part, however, they seem to be exaggerated. The specter of weight gain is there, but it is no greater than the one accompanying any vacation. All megaships have gym facilities -- some have excellent ones -- so if weight gain is a concern to you, you may want to take advantage of them. Choose an itinerary with as few days-at-sea as possible. When walking about the ship, take routes that bypass the buffet. In ports, opt for more active shore excursions. Most importantly, relax and enjoy. If you are already watching your weight, just do what you have always been doing, and you'll be fine. In this case, you are not likely to be swayed by the fact that so much food is "free" -- after all, dieters count calories, not dollars. "NORTH-AMERICAN” OR “EUROPEAN”? Depending on the predominating category of passengers, cruises can be broken down into roughly three categories: (1) North-American (as in, American and Canadian); (2) British; and (3) other European. The category is not necessarily determined by the ownership of the cruiseline, but by the preferences of the specific group to which the company, or a particular itinerary, caters. P&O, Costa, Swan Hellenic, and MSC Italian cruises are among those whose ways are not entirely what North Americans are accustomed to. Food is the first issue which comes to mind. Culinary practices and habits vary from country to country and region to region, and you are not going to change that. Period. If you are very set in your ways and like your food and beverages just so, then the prospect of re-educating the kitchen staff of a non-luxury European cruiseline within a week or so that you are going to spend on board seems like a losing proposition to me. If concepts like “decaf” and “lowfat” are important to you; if the difference between 1% milk and 2% milk is abysmal; if you cannot imagine starting your day without an assortment of corn flakes; and if the sight of a slightly runny fried egg turns your stomach -- then you can pretty much forget it. Understand also that the Italian concept of Italian food may be very different from the middle American version. There are other, minor, differences which may become “issues” for some passengers. Announcements on European cruiselines are made in several languages, and the passenger body is multilingual and not uniformly proficient in English. Bathroom fixtures and toiletries may not be what North Americans usually expect. The sauna and locker-room etiquette may surprise as well (and let’s leave it at that). This caveat isn’t meant to be judgmental. On your vacation, more than anywhere else, you should get what you want. This is just something to keep in mind. WHAT TO EXPECT AT PORTS OF CALL Disorientation at ports of call is another subject of many complaints. Travelers come from all walks of life and have widely divergent tastes. Mainstream lines try to cater to everyone, or at least to most people. In every port of call, the cruiseline will offer the same four basic types of excursions: (1) basic, general overviews of the place; (2) tours of historical and cultural heritage sites; (3) beach and sailing trips with swimming and snorkeling (or a similar equivalent if in colder regions); and (4) active, demanding sports activities, such as biking, hiking, scuba-diving, kayaking, skiing, and the like. In other words, the cruiseline will offer a range of options, but no specific determination as to what you should see or do in a particular port of call. This means that, with so much to do and not enough time to do it all, it is your responsibility to educate yourself about the ports of call, so that you can make informed decisions on how to spend your port days. Some ports are treasure troves of architectural heritage; and if you are interested in that sort of thing, you may want to opt for a historical tour over a snorkeling trip. Other destinations boast superior beaches, ski slopes, or water sports. Still others are most noted for their shopping. In an effort to please everyone, cruiselines recommend everything; it is up to you to gather specific in-depth information to mold your in-port experience to your particular preferences. WHAT TO PACK: A SUPPLEMENTAL LIST You know, you know: sunscreen, first-aid kit, blah blah blah. Here is a list of not-so-obvious items which you may find useful on your cruise, and which may be either unavailable or too expensive on the ship: 1. Gym clothes, sneakers, and plenty of socks. 2. A good book or a few magazines for the days-at-sea. While many megaships have lending libraries, their selection and hours are likely to be limited. 3. A few extra hangers for your "smart casual" dinner outfits. 4. A CD player, spare batteries, and a few of your favorite CD's. Some ships have music libraries, but you may want to have something that you can carry around (for exercising, for example). WHERE CAN I LEARN MORE ABOUT CRUISES? Probably the best online resource for specific information and reviews of cruiselines and ships is http://www.cruisecritic.com. Another useful source of information is http://www.travelocity.com. Bon voyage!  |
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by Bryan_Carey
