Unbiased Reviews by Real People
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Unbiased Reviews by Real People
Lord of the Things Act IVFeb 19, 2004 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Act IV of my VI-Act Lord of the Rings satire...
Starring: Germericanqt as Frodo _Haggis_ as Sam Voxpoptart as Gollum Carl_Lazarevic as Merry JanKP as Pippin CaptainD as Gandalf Oldcomixfan as Legolas 29th_Candidate as Aragorn Cosmoandgunner as Gimli Drdevience as Eowyn Luthien69 as Awren Sleeper54 as Elrond * Sexes have been (occasionally) changed to protect the innocent.. erm… oh yeah, and ‘cos Tolkein had a habit of not writing many good female parts… (Due to an overwhelming response to auditions (no-one turned up), we now have 2 more conscripts – Germericanqt and _Haggis_ - neither of whom get to keep their original gender. Now that’s what you call suffering for your art…) (Update – we have yet another 2 conscip… er, willing volunteers joining the group – Tolkein nut Luthien69 as Arwen {she’s prettier than Liv Tyler too if that’s really her picture on her profile} and general book nut Sleeper54 as Elrond - he always strikes me as the father figure…) ********** The Journey Continues… – Act IV, Part I ********** “I’m so tired, Sam. I feel that I can’t go on.” “It’s that Thing, isn’t it?”, asked Sam, eyes full of concern and, for reasons we won’t go into right now, vegetable curry. “Yes. It’s so heavy!”, exclaimed the one known as Frodo. Sam looked at Frodo silently. Then he said: “You big panzy! I can’t believe you’re making such a fuss over such a tiny thing!” “Oh Sam, how could you?!?! C’mere, give me a hug.” “Not for all the hair on Galadriel’s head! For people will say we’re gay!” “Oh Sam, they’re only silly, immature, small-minded fools who sometimes write on epinions! Don’t let yourself get upset.” “Gollum”, said Gollum. “Why does Brian… er, I mean Gollum, always seem to get the best lines? It’s driving me nuts! I feel like I’m going crazy!” “Oh course you are, Mr Frodo Sir. And I’m going with you.” “Gollum”, said Gollum. ---------- Pippin picked up the strange stone that, due to a terrible miscalculation, had ended up on the floor without actually being thrown out of the window by Wormtongue. “Ooh, what a pretty stone!” Gandalf yelled, “Don’t touch that, you fool of a Took!”, but it was too late. Pippin was entranced. In the Palantir, Pippin saw a what looked like a box with pictures in it. There was what looked like a menu bar at the bottom, with “Start” engraved on the bottom left in the Black Tongue. There were four little boxes making up a flag. Runes of unknown origin and meaning littered the screen, and there was a small arrow in the middle of the screen. As Pippin stared deeper into the Palantir, the Arrow moved towards one of the button with “Start” engraved on it. Another box appeared with lines of text, and the arrow went to one. A box with three small boxes inside it appeared in the middle of the image. The arrow went to one of them. For a few moments, everything went blank. Then something appeared on the screen – something more terrible than a crazed Dragon and more wonderful than the gardens of Loth-Lorein. It said: ”Windows XP” Legless drop-kicked the Palantir into touch. “Damn stupid Hobbit, we should have let the Orcs have their way with you”, he said. “What did you see, Pippsqueak?”, asked Gandalf the Grey-haired. “An unrecoverable system error has occurred. Do you want to send an error report to Microsoft? Please respond with Send or Don’t Send.” Gandalf gasped in horror. “So that’s how he plans to take over Middle Earth! Everyone will become interfaced, and with broadband access becoming more available, there’ll be no stopping it!” Theoden looked at his troops. “Well men, are we ready to die?” There was a general lack of enthusiasm among the assembled Rohrrim. “Hmmm..... I’m going to have to read that book about motivating people before trying again…” “I” stated Aragorn with solemnity “am going to tread the paths of the dead.” “Er… why?”, asked Merry merrily. “Because even they’d be more fun than this lot…” “Well, I may as well go with you, I’ve got a pretty free diary this lifetime”, muttered Gimly grimly. “Wait for me!”, cried Legolas, skateboarding along the path. Eowyn glared at her father. “I suppose you’re going to say I can’t go as I’m a woman, and have to stay here doing womanly things, huh pops?” she said to general astonishment. “You… you can speak without using foul language?!?!”, exclaimed Gandlaf. “Well duh! Of course I can. When I feel like it. So what about it, father? Theoden looked at her thoughtfully. “Sure you can go.” “What?!?? Really?” “Yep, no problem.” As Eowyn gleefully made her way towards the Path of the Dead, he called after her: “I hear the King of the Dead is currently looking for a marriage mate. Should be a good match.” Eowyn stopped in her tracks, turned round, glowered at her father, and uttered a string of words, most of which I’m too polite to reproduce here. The others… I just don’t know what they mean… ---------- “Father, you know I love him!” shouted Arwen at her father. “You can’t stop me from loving him! Or from marrying him!” “No, no”, said Elrond, “that is quite true. And I’m not even going to try.” Awren was shocked. “You mean you approve?!?” Elrond shook his head sadly. “No, I can never approve, for did you not read in the Book of Tolkein that ’their parting was bitter at the end of the world’?” “Um… yeah, something like that. Anyway, if that’s the case, I’m off. I’m going to marry Aragorn son of Arathorn son of Araborn son of Arahorn son of Aracorn son of Araworn.” As she was packing her things, Elrond spoke unto her words of Elvish wisdom. “Oh by the way, I’ve stopped your allowance.” ”What the…?”, cried Arwen. “Oh and one other thing – you’re grounded!! Ha ha, by Feanor, I’m a nasty piece of work indeed!” – and slammed the door behind him. “Oh no! What am I going to do now?!?” wailed Awren. But then she remembered something. And smiled… ---------- Theoden took Gandalf to one side. “Er, Gandalf me old mate, you remember you… er… borrowed my best horse? Shadowfax?” Gandalf looked slightly embarrassed. “Oh.. er… of course. Yes, definitely. He served me well. Good steed, that.” “Um… well do you mind if I have him back?” There was an awkward silence. “Um… well… it’s a bit difficult, you see…” “How so?”, asked Theoden, narrowing his eyes. “Well… like I said, it was a good steed, and it served me well.” “You’re using past tense and italics. That’s bad. How did he die?” Gandalf felt that there was no point attempting to hide it any longer. “He died in the course of duty. In fact, he saved me life. And…” ”And?” … … … “He was delicious.” ---------- If you enjoyed this instalment… seek professional help… immediately… Act IV, Part II coming soon… Act I Act II Act III – Part I Act III – Part II Book Reviews Lord of the Rings The Silmarillian The Hobbit Bored of the Rings The Films The Fellowship of the Rings The Two Towers The Return of the King Message to all actors – please collect your salted peanuts from Reception on your way out  |
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