Captain Disaster - Episode Eight - Virgin on the Ridiculous"
Feb 25 '04 (Updated Jan 06 '05)
The Bottom Line My personal recommendation would be not to read this rubbish. But then what do I know? I'm only the author...
Captain Disaster (Now in Surround Sound)
Mission 8
"Virgin on the Ridiculous."
A three year-old maiden sat down in the comfy leather chair aboard the Starship "Ridiculous". (Get the pun in the title now?) This has nothing to do with the rest of the story, but I thought it was too good a pun to simply dismiss. I could have been really cruel and said it was Richard Branson on the ship, but his legal team would probably make me go up in the air in a big hot air balloon and dump me in the Atlantic, so I thought I'd better not say anything like that at all. See what a sensitive author I am?
(Real Title) - "The Land That Time Didn't So Much Forget As Just Didn't Remember All That Well."
(Neither does this name have anything whatsoever with the story, it's just a rather sorry attempt at a take on a film title which was also mentioned in the previous episode. Never mind though.)
Captain Disaster was in trouble. Not only was his ship, Disaster Area, under attack from mutant creatures named Ghhdizodcnzxjcsofihslxwenrofhricarbudrydixhrnfjvycui (try pronouncing that after twelve beers - well, just try pronouncing that at all!), but also he had a little bit of hair that just wouldn't lay down, no matter how much water, spray, gel, grease or laxative he applied. It was days like this that he wished he'd listened to what his mother used to tell him. (If you're wondering what his mother used to tell him, I can't tell you, partly because he hadn't been listening and partly because I'm plagiarising like mad here and it really shouldn't be allowed.)
Just as he learned the secret of prehensile hair management, his ship got caught in a tractor beam.
"Oh great", complained Zero-Bit, the ship's computer. "All this high tech., mind-blowing technology, all this fantastic weaponry we have on board, and we still end up getting mullered by a piece of ancient farming equipment.
"Don't worry, everything will be all right. My hair looks fine now, and that's more important than any kind of agricultural implementation I can think of."
Aboard the enemy vessel, there were lots of women wearing very short skirts.
"We're not stereotypes", they all chorused in unison, "and neither are we merely sex objects, despite the fact that we all wear improbably skimpy uniforms. Neither are the aliens we meet who are female humanoid in appearance there simply for the male captain to have a snog with, despite the fact that they too wear very revealing costumes, and snog the male captain a lot for no apparent reason."
"Okay, sounds sensible to me", said Captain Disaster.
The enemy captain came up to him and squeaked.
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that", said CD.
It squeaked again. (Could this be an allusion to ST:V?) CD decided to give up, and shot her.
"Thank you, that's much better", said a voice behind him.
Disaster turned round, and was most surprised to see something surprising. It was an android, only it was both male and female.
"Can I help you?" asked the man with perfectly flattened hair.
"You just did. You see, her voice really got on my nerves. So did her 'even though I'm a hard-bitten captain and just as good as any man, I've still got my sensitive, feminine side too' act. So shooting her was the only humane thing to do. It might even be described as the only viable option."
CD drank it all in like a dog lapping at the shores of knowledge. (Don't say there's never any imagery in this series.)
"So, who might you be?"
The android pondered over this for some time. "Well, I might be Al Capone. Or even Meryl Streep."
"Are you Al Capone then? Or Meryl Streep? Or even both? Is that why you are male and female at the same time? Are you, indeed, Al Meryl Capone Streep?"
"No. Don't be so ridiculous."
CD scratched his head in mystification. "So, who are you then?"
"I am Flossy, android series XVRS-23dv."
"Then why did you say you might be Al Capone or Meryl Streep! What was that all about then?" Captain Disaster was at a loss. (Not an unusual situation for him, admittedly.)
"You only asked who I might have been. I could conceivably been anyone. When you asked me who I was, that was a completely different proposition altogether."
"That was a completely different proposition", said everyone.
"And", concluded Flossy, "as such there could only be one conceivable answer, and that was Flossy, which is my name. Unless, of course, I was lying, in which case I could have claimed to be anyone, for example Al Capone or Meryl Streep. And I could well be such, for you knoweth not that I be not who I say I'm not."
The Captain's head was spinning at this point. (That's Captain Disaster's head, not the head of the dead female captain with a voice like that of someone who accidentally fell into a cauldron of distilled helium when she was a baby.) In the end he decided that he'd call the android Flossy anyway, because such a silly name flattered his own inferiority complex.
"So, basically what you're telling me is that this long, drawn out and hopelessly banal piece of dialogue merely serves the purpose of handling that tricky subject of introducing a new character to an already established series, while shedding light on certain peculiar personality traits you have, such as your strange obsession with Al Capone and Meryl Streep, also your habit of occasionally lapsing into semi-Shakespearean archaic speech, and the fact that you are probably even more of a moron than me, while at the same time allowing me to speak the most ludicrously lengthy piece of prose ever put down in a single sentence." (see footnote *)
While CD got his breath back, Flossy decided to revert to smaller sentences.
"Yes", he said.
Zero-Bit was not pleased. Of all the scummy dross in the entire universe, Captain Disaster had to take pity on this pathetic weasel and bring him/her (Hhierm?) aboard.
Happily, though, the weasel died while trying to eat itself and ZB quite liked Flossy. (See footnote #)
"So, what can you do?" asked Disaster.
"I can sing, dance and tell jokes", replied the new crew member.
"What use it that?" exclaimed CD.
"You'll see. Something will happen in another episode, or even maybe this one, which will vindicate me and show how valuable my assets are, even though you don't appreciate them at first. When that does happen, which it surely shall, you will quickly develop a new-found respect and liking for me and make me your second in command, best buddy, main man and things like that. And then you will say something which shows the moral of the story, some profound statement of hope and encouragement that we can all better ourselves if we try."
Captain Disaster looked at Flossy for one long moment. He nodded slowly, and opened his mouth to say something highly profound and moving.
"What a complete load of tosh. I've a good mind to throw you off the ship and fire a Photon TorpedoTM at you."
"You haven't got a good mind full stop" said Zero-Bit.
"Oh, siding with the new boy, huh? Well, new boy/girl/thing, anyway. I've got a good mind to show you the door, too!" fumed the man who, if you put the fourth vowel between his initials, would be a type of fish commonly eaten on Fridays.
Zero-Bit was having none of it. "Look, mate, let's get things straight here. Firstly, I'm not siding with anyone. Secondly, and I refer here to my previous comments, you do not have a sound or good mind. Thirdly, you cannot possibly throw me out of the ship as I am an integral, nay, intrinsic part of the ship's structure. Fourthly, I know exactly where the door is. Fifthly, um, well, that's it really so there isn't a fifth element, unless some French bloke thinks about it for 20 years or so. And then I wouldn't want Bruce Willis to star in it. Not as me, anyway."
Captain D couldn't really argue with any of the above points, especially the fifth, but he noticed that the trend of lapsing into semi-Shakespearean speech was catching. This was worrying, because it might end up with all of them having to wear tights. Not that he didn't have the legs for it. It was the feet he didn't have, not since that incident involving two elephants, a bulldozer, fourteen gallons of Gin and the South African rugby union second XV.
"Oh no, we're under attack again! Quick, pull down the hatches and button down the... buttons!" beeped Zero-B. (Thus disguised, he tried to pass himself off as Zero-G and get a job with the American Air Force, but was quickly found out by the man from NASA whose name was Cody. As he had such a stupid name, however, no-one believed him and Zero-B escaped, promising that for evermore he would call himself Zero-Bit or ZB, as was right and proper, and had nothing whatsoever to do with the American Dream, American Way Of Life, or American Pie.)
"Firstly, we haven't got any hatches and secondly, we haven't got any buttons, or even zips, because velcro is dead trendy and the order of the day, as you should well know from the many happy hours you've spent watching Buck Rogers and other quality Skiffy shows", said Flossy.
"Oh no, don't you start", mumbled the man whose name, should the first vowel be put in between his initials, would be a dishonourable man, or a type of software package that only people who think they're really cool (but are not) know how to use.
Zero-Bit glared at both his crew-mates, which was no mean feat considering he had no face. (In this sense, he did indeed look like Mel Gibson.) "Listen, they said they will blow us up unless..."
His (or its) voice trailed off to leave a look of complete astonishment on his (or its) face. (Which wasn't bad going at all, since he hadn't got one. Face, I mean.) "What? What is it? Tell me, tell me!" cried the man who, should you put between his initials the third vowel, would be a member of the police force who like to think of themselves as "The Biz".
"Well, they're going to kill us unless someone sings, dances and tells a joke."
Captain Disaster gagged. (This meant Flossy only had the singing and dancing left to do.)
"Well, what did I tell you?" asked Flossy.
"Okay, okay, so you're now my second in command, my best buddy, my main man and things like that. Are you happy now?"
"Good. So now you have to say something which shows the moral of the story, some profound statement of hope and encouragement that we can all better ourselves if we try."
CD thought about this. "Um..."
"Does it have to be uplifting?"
"Oh yes, very uplifting."
"And intelligent?"
"Of course. Or, if that's too hard for you, intelligible will do."
"That's hard enough."
"Okay then, say something profound etc etc."
"Um... Right. How about this: In a time when all about him were losing their heads, he not only kept his but also made a song and dance about it, telling a few dirty jokes into the bargain, got promoted, got a new friend and was praised to the skies and back, even though he's got a silly name."
"A bit cliché, but never mind, it was beautiful. Thank you."
Zero-Bit butted in. "Sorry to spoil your party, guys, but they didn't like the song you did. They're going to destroy us anyway."
(Gasp shock horror probe.)
…
…
IS IT THE END?
WILL CAPTAIN DISASTER, ZERO-BIT AND FLOSSY END UP AS SPACE- JUNK?
OR WILL THEY MANAGE TO FIND A WAY OUT OF THEIR PREDICAMENT?
AND JUST WHY IS THE ANDROID CALLED FLOSSY ANYWAY?
FIND OUT THIS AND MORE IN THE NEXT EXCITING INSTALMENT OF:
CAPTAIN DISASTER IN THE 25TH CENTURY.
Footnotes.
* I rang the Guinness Book of Records, but sadly they told me that this 105 word sentence palls beside the mammoth 894 word sentence spoken by a horse-racing commentator called Breathless Bertie. While admitting that it was probably, in actual fact, several sentences, they were said so fast and so close together that no-one, even trained linguistic experts, could separate one from another. And so it came to be that, in the course of time, it was accepted as one sentence. The commentator was helped to this record by the fact that Venusian horse-owners give their horses incredibly long names. An extreme example of this is the horse "The Whistler's Last Tune That Became A Top Selling Song For The Little Green Men But Didn't Help Him At All Because It All Happened Seventy Years After He Had Died And Thus Relinquished Copyright". And that horse wasn't even in this particular race. Meanwhile, the 1,000 word limit remains the ultimate target for all heirs apparent to his throne.
# No animals were harmed in the making of this story. In no way is the maltreating or blatant murder of any creatures (even Spice Girls) condoned in this episode, I just state the facts as they are. The word "happily" is used in connection to Zero-Bit's feelings, not my own. I myself was actually quite upset by the whole unhappy incident.
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The Captain Disaster Series
Episode 1 - "The Planet-Eater of Acturus"
Episode 2 - "A Beta Burger"
Episode 3 - "Wormhole"
Episode 4 - "Mecenaries"
Episode 5 - "A Newish Hope"
Episode 6 - "Timedrive"
Episode 7 - "Correctness, Politically Speaking"
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Read my review of
Red Dwarf Series 1-4
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