The CURSE Of The AMULET
Feb 26 '04
The Bottom Line When you're out of options and you've got nothing to lose: Grasper, Liddle, Tiddies & Fondlem-Tildair Firm! ...If THESE guys can't get you outta your suit, NOBODY can!
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*** WARNING! ***
Parts of the following saga contain sexually-explicit words and material that some people might consider obscene and offensive. If offensive and obscene things offend and obscene you, be sure to avoid reading any of the parts that contain ob-scenes and skip over any dirty words and curses. Don't worry, I won't be offended (or obscened). The last thing I'd ever want to do is add to, what I (or you) imagine, is an already considerable burden imposed on your delicate sensitivities by the wicked, wicked world at large. I would never be able to forgive myself if this irredeemable bit of filth I've written, should somehow turn out to be the final lump of fecal sewage that causes your mind's cesspool filtration system to back-up and explode, leaving your unshielded sensibilities completely at the mercy of reality. NO! ...I beg you! ...Please! ...Stop! ...STOP READING RIGHT NOW! ...Before it's too late! Okay. You've been warned. Please proceed...
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CAST OF CHARACTERS & BRIEF RECAP:
Kirsty, Emma and Andrea; the ex-mistress, ex-wife and ex-lover/daughter, respectively, of Trevor, had been plotting their revenge against him after they discovered he had been three-timing them. Trevor, aware of their awareness of his triple-timing triplicity, trident-tongued trickery and triple-talking treachery, took a trip to Theo's to throw the trio off his trail and to thoroughly think things through. Theo puts Trevor up at his place and persuades him to retain the Grasper, Liddle, Tiddies & Fondlem-Tildair firm to represent him in a divorce action against Emma and to defend him in a variety of lawsuits he anticipates Kirsty, Emma and Andrea will file against him.
The firm has not yet discovered that they too, have retained the firm to represent their legal interests against Trevor. Paul is the firm attorney assigned to Trevor's case. Paul's best friend and fellow firm attorney Chris, has just been assigned Kirsty, Emma and Andrea's legal case file. Chris, though married to Amanda, recently had a torrid fling with his fine-looking legal secretary; our tale's heroine, Laura. Sexually insatiable Laura, refuses to accept Chris's decision both to dump her and to have her transferred to the firms' records department to prevent her from jeopardizing his marriage. Nevertheless, she stalks him relentlessly. To distract her from her desire to be with Chris, she takes a ride down to the seashore to do some nude moon-bathing.
Strange things were afoot in the town of Hellmouth, indeed. Stranger things were yet to happen still....
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SCENE 1: LAURA'S POOPDECK
When we last left Laura, she had been doing her part to support the Navy with some randy sailors she met at the seashore. They had been rowing around in their dinghies, looking for an 'oar, when they came upon Laura lying naked on the beach. The creamy full moon must have beguiled them, because they mistook the broad arch formed by her widely-parted thighs for the sprawling patch of beach that straddled the harbour in which their aircraft carrier, the U.S.S. Gonorrhea, had dropped anchor. "No more moon-tanning for me!," she thought as she gazed down the smooth slope of her lithe stomach and pelvis at the gobsmacked gobs ("gobs" = "sailors") as they absent-mindedly attempted to push their dripping dinghies up through the shrubbery of the exposed mound just above the blanket on which Laura sat. Before Laura knew what had happened,they had pulled her onto one of their dinghies for a joy-ride. They could tell by 'er rhythmic stroke that this 'ad not been 'er first time 'oarin' about with the buoys!
Despite her generous sacrifices on behalf of the Navy, despite the outpouring of seamen love with which her mates had reciprocated her for riding on their dinghies, despite providing them her 'oaring services, despite turning the old sailor tradition of "having a woman in every port" around on them by "having a sailor in every port," she'd soon had her fill of seamen for the night. The way these gobs clung to her poopdeck began to worry her; the seamen had come out of the dinghy of a Gonorrhea carrier; could she have picked up an S.T.D.? This was ALL Chris's wife, AMANDA'S fault! ...And that guy Paul, Chris's best friend... HE was the one who transferred her from Chris's office to records! They would BOTH pay! It was time to use the magic talisman her friend, Hecuba, from the Islands had given her.
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SCENE 2: GRASPER, LIDDLE, TIDDIES & FONDLEM-TILDAIR FIRM --RECORDS DEPT.
[The Following Morning:]
Camera pans in on Laura, who has a gleam in her eye. She intently combs through legal files. The camera zooms in for a close-up of the files she reads. One of them has Paul's attorney information on it. Kirsty, Emma, and Andrea's names are mentioned in the case heading. The other file has Chris's attorney info on it. Trevor's name is mentioned in the case heading. She pulls an ornate looking talisman and some crumpled-up note papers out of her purse. She uncrumples one of the note papers and begins to read aloud from it. We hear her chant a series of odd, but exotic-sounding incantations. We hear Trevor's, Chris's, Paul's and Amanda's names mentioned...
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SCENE 3: SOME PUSSIES ARE PUT OUT BECAUSE OF TREVOR'S SMALL SIZE
THEO'S APARTMENT
[1/2 Hour Later]
Theo is having coffee with Trevor in the kitchen. He looks at Trevor and notices something strange about him.
THEO: "Uhhhhhmmm... Trevor? ...Are you sitting up in your chair?"
TREVOR "Yeah, I am... Why do you ask?"
THEO: "It could be my imagination, but you look distinctly smaller. Stand up for a second."
(Mike rises out of his seat. The edge of Theo's kitchen table is level with his lower chest.)
TREVOR: "WHOAAA! Dude! What's up with THAT?! I'm normally a few inches taller than you, but now you look like you're about a foot taller than I am! What's more, the table still seems to be getting higher!"
THEO: "Holy CRAP, Trevor! You're getting smaller by the minute! I think I'd better put the cats outside just in case... Wait right here!"
(Theo scoops up Haggis his black Manx and Brisbane, a cross-eyed, gray Tabby, and shuffles them both out the back door. He returns to the kitchen table and scans the room for Trevor.)
THEO: "Trevor?"
TREVOR: "Down here!"
(Theo glances down in the direction of the voice. He notices Trevor, who has shrunk to a height of approximately 20 inches, standing behind his chair. His head does not quite reach the level of its seat.)
TREVOR: "Theo, what am I going to do?! I'm still shrinking!"
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SCENE 4: PAUL'S CUNNING LINGUISTICS
Grasper, Liddle, Tiddies & Fondlem-Tildair Firm; Conference Room #4
[1/2 Hour Later]
Paul, about to begin a formal legal presentation for the Firm's 8 Partners, suddenly feels an inexplicable twinge of tightness in his throat. It seems to leave as quickly as it arrived. He clears his throat and addresses the impatient, dour looking partners, who for all the world, look like the group-portrait on the cover of a Smith Bros. Cough Drop box suddenly come to life. Paul begins to address them...
PAUL:"The Peculiar Risk' Doctrine is one that has long since... *ahem* ... has long since... *ahem* *a-HEM!* ... As I was saying, the... *A-HEM!*
(Paul attempts to speak, but his lips, tongue and voicebox seem to be under the control of some unseen force. He no longer has control over anything he says...)
PAUL: "Soooo, do you think you can distinguish between a spanking and a beating, m'dear? I smite, underhand, your rear.... ehhhh, I mean, I quite understand your fear. Perhaps I need to go behind your back to be up front with you, you little minx, you!..."
(The 8 sets of legal partner eyes seem to widen simultaneously. Jaws drop open."Oh, NO! --It COULDN'T be!," thought Paul, in a state of near-panic. Paul recognized the conversation as one that Chris had had with Amanda just prior to a particularly steamy flagellation episode they engaged in the previous week. Paul had secretly recorded it, as he had many of their sexual encounters. "Who could have discovered his private tape collection?!")
PAUL: "...Having devoted much of my life to the study of that great Roman Pro Consul, Gluteus Maximus, and to his introverted wife, Mons Veneris, I would surmise that the difference is, when you SPANK someone, you take and administer disciplinary pleasures by transferring the red handprint of your passion onto the fleshy lobes of the spankee's posterior via the stiffened, extended palm of your opened hand...."
(One partner had fainted. A second was clutching at his heart, seemingly oblivious to the strand of spittle that was slowly stretching its way south from his trembling, open-circle of a mouth. The other six gaped in mute, petrified horror; transfixed by what they were hearing. The stenographer had a rosy glow in her cheeks that hadn't previously been evident. She squirmed slightly as she typed...)
PAUL: "...When you 'BEAT' someone, you transfer the physically-abusive fury and mindlessly misplaced angst of your destructive passion onto the cheeky hemispheres of the spankee's posterior region by way of a rapidly churned eggbeater, in a manner that fails to elicit the joyful coos of deviant satisfaction or the sexual shivers of pleasurable shame commonly associated with proper spankings.... Am I erect? Ehhhhhhh... I mean, correct? "
(Paul didn't think it could POSSIBLY get worse, but just as he was thinking this, his mouth began to speak again--)
PAUL: "Coitus Interruptus! I scrote there arse-um labias present in the womb... I grope you pee-pees will hardon my pubic vulvarity-- I'm s-ovary sorry..."
(GOOD GOSH! I'm speaking in ...CLITORIC! --the language that substitutes both human genitalia-related body part terms and words used to describe sexual acts, for their homophonic counterparts! ...Ohhhhhhh, the SHAME of it all!")
PAUL: "Labias-- Genitalmen-- Fellow law sperm members-- Heed my genital warting. I ex-speculummm, ...think I have an ovary active invagination, butt I'm not clitting around! By my dis-testes-ful semen-tics and my ovary-cuntrived clitoric, I don't mean to do analbody a dick-cervix! I mons-certain how, butt intercourse of events, I got hexed by someone's cunning linguistics. I dildon't know how to cor-rectum; it'll take some anal-ysis. If uterus-t me, I'll save my erectsplanation fellator because it might in-vulva bit more vulva-garity. I shank you hole-partedly for your mons generis consliteration and snatch-urally, urine-dulgence makes a vas deferens too. Perflaps, if I cuncocked anal-licks'er for my nad case of clitoric, I'll try to stop vibrator; much laid'er. Well, I gotta gonad; mons pubis fellates me....
(Paul runs out of the conference room. The partners remain petrified in their chairs like business suit-wearing, gargoyle ice sculptures.)
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SCENE 5: CHRIS TRADES IN HIS DICTAPHONE FOR LAURA'S PAD:
Grasper, Liddle, Tiddies & Fondlem-Tildair Firm -- Records Dept.
[1/2 Hour Later]
Chris, who only a second ago had been in his office, suddenly, mysteriously discovers himself standing in the Records Dept. at Laura's desk. A secretary appears to be attempting to get his attention, but she calls Laura's name, rather than his.
SECRETARY: "Laura! .... Laaaaauura! ....Earth to Laura... Hey, are you okay? You look a little dazed..."
CHRIS: "Ar-are you talking to m-me?"
(Chris does not recognize as his own voice the one he hears leaving his lips. It is distinctively more falsetto and high-pitched; female, in fact. He looks down at himself, but the body he sees is that of a 20 - 25 year old female. It suddenly dawns on him that his life-force inhabits Laura's body.)
SECRETARY: "Well, yeah-- Who did you think? Is there another 'Laura' on the 3rd floor? You'd better sit dow. You're looking unusually pale this morning."
(On the verge of a faint, half sits, half falls backwards into Laura's office chair.)
CHRIS: "Unnnnnhhh... Yeeaah... what... ever...."
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SCENE 6: TREVOR IS CONFRONTED BY HIS 3 BIGGEST PROBLEMS:
THEO'S APARTMENT
[That Evening]
That evening Emma, Kirsty and Andrea unexpectedly stop by Theo's apartment to speak to Trevor about the divorce papers. Before Theo has a chance to respond to the knock at his door, the three women determinedly strut inside. There, sitting on the kitchen table, wearing a customized handkerchief, is a Barbie Doll-sized Trevor. He has nowhere to run or hide. His would-be tormentors smile down at him with a mixture of disbelief and malicious mischief....
Andrea looks at Emma, then Kirsty, then back down at Trevor...
ANDREA: (Grinning menacingly) "Girls, ...it doesn't get much better than this!"
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• Will Chris be able to adjust in his new life as Laura? Will he have contracted Gonorrhea from the seamen?
• Will Paul get his mouth washed out with soap by the firm's partners? Will he be able to argue cases in court while afflicted by Clitoric?
• Will Trevor get pulled apart limb by limb and then devoured by Andrea, Emma and Kirsty?
• Will Laura (as Chris) have her revenge on Amanda?
For the answers to these questions... ehh, uhhmm, aah...
Hmmmmm... Not sure. ...Maybe you should write the next episode.
Let me know if you do.
--29th
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