Worst 90's Movies: "Movies That Deserve It More Than Titanic" Edition
Feb 28 '04 (Updated Mar 03 '04)
The Bottom Line You want terrible movies from the 90's? I'll show you terrible movies from the damned 90's.
I loathe most "Worst Movies Ever" lists.
Most of them are compiled by people who only see movies in theaters. People who actually, honestly believe that overblown films like Titanic or Star Wars: The Phantom Menace are among the worst movies ever.
Nothing against you, people, but you forget that - for their admitted faults - those movies are at least technically well executed. Their stories at least move forward to actual conclusions, and you can actually tell what's happening (and usually why). Their designated heroes, while perhaps not totally interesting or sympathetic, are at least not such despicable excuses for humanity that you wish for a meteor to wipe out all life on Earth. They are also wonderfully devoid of such elements as elderly strippers and zombie gang rapists and Vanilla Ice and huge lectures about the scriptwriter's pet cause. Oh, many would go mad before the pure, unadulterated suckishness that truly bad movies display.
(Also, kindly spare me that "So? Titanic tried to make money off a disaster!" deal. Robert Benigni tried to make money AND score laughs off the Holocaust with his Life Is Beautiful, and tons of people were orgasming for that to win Best Picture.)
So most of these lists are like reading "Worst Agonies Of All Time" lists from someone who's spent their whole life in suburbia - you'd end up with things like "hitting my finger with a hammer" and "Daddy never bought me that sports car", with little mention of really good ones like "rape" or "starvation" or "my country is being torn apart by genocide, and all the 'never again' morons are too busy watching the OJ Simpson trial".
Still, I'm supposed to be ranting at 90's movies here, not bad movie lists, so let's get to it.
I Stand Alone (1998)
Aren't old men who hate everyone, blame everyone but themselves for their crappy lives, and seldom do more than walk around (while having long, droning, embittered, humorless monologues to themselves) the most fascinating people? Wouldn't it be awesome if someone made a whole movie about one of these guys? In fact, it would be the best movie ever if the two entire plot points were a) the man getting angry at his pregnant lover and hitting her stomach until she has a miscarriage, and b) the one "hopeful" moment at the end where he decides not to shoot his retarded daughter because it would be nicer to sleep with her instead.
Wait, you mean that would actually suck horribly? Then you'll want to skip this one.
Armageddon: the Final Challenge (1995)
It's interesting how God allegedly has the power to flood the world, yet Christians seem to be in absolutely no fear of releasing films that make him and his religions look totally lame. After 20 minutes of this, you'll be begging for End of Days (perhaps literally). This is the futuristic (but budget-conscious and highly incoherent) tale of some guy's struggle against an insane stalker banker and/or his own insanity and/or whatever, until the end where Jesus shows up in his giant golden spaceship ("But that is another story..." Up yours, movie. Up yours with something hard, sharp, and sufficiently phallic).
What could be even better than the giant headache this movie is? The world-altering truth that its creators and distributors believe it to be (http://www.imaginites.com/prod1.htm - work safe, but not brain safe!). Yes, watch this movie, and you too will see vital information about the future of the internet, the future of e-banking, how to "lift your poverty filters, and instill powerful wealth creation principles that come through a knowledge of the Laws of Money and Power", and of course "elements of previously disregarded apocalyptical prophecy emerge as acutely-researched notices of warning so based on factual-accounts that it is likely to make this the most ordered film on the internet by institutions, universities and religious study groups". Praise the Lord who lets crap like this get made!
Bangers (1997)
I'd watch Showgirls ten thousand times before sitting through this one. Want to know why? Because it's the one movie stupid enough to ask the question "Which is more repulsive...elderly strippers, or a story based on a stripper/prostitute being repeatedly gang-raped by zombies?" The best answer to that question is not "Let's find out! And let's avoid having an ending that makes even the most remote amount of sense while we're at it!", but that's the way it goes.
Ultra Warrior (1993)
What happens when legendary schlockmeister Roger Corman needs to make a post-apocalypse movie, but doesn't feel like putting forth the miniscule budget that even his usual cheesy movies had? You get a post-apocalyptic b-movie that's at least 90% stock footage from other crappy movies! As such, there's little consistency with the costumes, landscapes, and even the film stock throughout Ultra Warrior. Even the sex scenes are stock footage! (It's awesome. You haven't seen a gratuitous sex scene until you see the man and woman get down to it and no longer have even the same hair style.)
Captain America (1991)
A cheapass comic book movie where neither director nor scriptwriter ever read the actual comic it's based on...and that director is Albert Pyun. If that name doesn't already make you assume a fetal position under your desk, go endure such black holes of cinema as the Nemesis series, Adrenalin: Fear the Rush, Brainsmasher: a Love Story, Urban Menace, and Omega Doom. Hey, those were all from the 90's! This list is practically over.
Future War (1997)
This one was on Mystery Science Theater 3000, as well as currently being #3 on the IMDB's worst movies of all time list, and not for insignificant reasons. Watching this, you'll ask yourself if combining dinosaurs, cyborgs, time travel, and prostitutes-turned-nuns in one plot makes a bad movie or a good bad movie, and you just won't know.
Highlander 2 (1991)
To this day, I continue to find people who refuse to accept that this movie ever existed. If you felt anally violated after the Star Wars prequels, you should have tried being a Highlander fan when this came out. This one changed the entire damn premise for the main characters and contradicted everything that was even remotely interesting about the first story. Hell, it even contradicts itself. In Highlander, the heroes were immortals from different time periods...now they're all alien exiles from 500 years ago! Yet Sean Connery's character still has memories of meeting Cleopatra and Joan of Arc and other women who lived and died way before 1491 when he "arrived". Shoot me, just shoot me, whatever afterlife there is has to be better than this. Connery, incidentally, got $3 million to appear in this movie for barely a few scenes, yet had to act out such horrible comic relief ("Shithead? What's a shithead?") that I still felt bad for him. First Zardoz, then eventually this...
Santa With Muscles (1996)
This made Schwarzenegger's Jingle All The Way look good. Anyway, Hulk Hogan disguises himself as Santa Claus to escape some cops, gets hit in the head, loses his memory, and ends up believing he's Santa because he's wearing a Santa suit! Need I say more? (Well, yes: many painful puns and strained jokes ensue.) Remember, kids, losing your memory could endanger your ability to tell fantasy from reality.
On Deadly Ground (1994)
Steven Seagal goes on his usual killing spree, but this time he beats us over the head with environmentalism, is sent on a vision quest by pipe-smoking Eskimos, and blows up an oil rig to keep it from polluting the environment (I dunno, I'd think massive explosions and burning oil are bad for the environment, too), but what really sends this one into worst crap ever land is the end, when Seagal gives us a big lecture on the eeeevils of the government and big business and how they won't let us have water-powered cars. For real.
The Doom Generation (1995)
It's like Natural Born Killers, only stripped of any semblance of coherence or intelligence it may have had, and given endless stupid violence, vulgarity, and lame jokes to make up for it. (Really, how many times can I laugh at someone ringing up a sale of $6.66? The Doom Generation would answer "WAY more than once". Wrong answer!) Oh, and we get to see a psychopath secretly masturbating while another couple have sex, then lick the semen from his hand. But hey, at least it has that big skinhead castration scene at the end.
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