Moving to America: A Buyer's Guide
Mar 07 '04
The Bottom Line Moving to the USA as a student is a difficult and expensive thing to do - here are some of the things you may need to consider bringing with you.
In lieu of my up-and-coming arrival in the madhouse that apparently makes up the Union of The United States of America in its current form, and barring any action on the part of both Texas and New Hampshire, its form in perpetua, I've decided that I have to come up with some lists of things to do. And things to see, and things not to say, and various other "things". I believe that input would be greatly appreciated, as there is a good chance I will be struggling to come up with stuff before long.
First and foremost, this time around I am coming not as a tourist, but as a potential resident, and certainly short-term resident, in the city of Atlanta, and I'll spending a few years terrorising one of the local universities. Pray for them, if you will. Hence, any ideas should probably come from the focus of someone who is actually planning to live in the country, and does not want to face the option of fleeing to Mexico or any other nearby place which isn't in the USA.
However, I've always had a thing for flirting for danger in some way, shape or form, so try not to be too conservative. I may or may not be talking to myself, there.
First up, we must consider our essential purchases. These range from the sublime to the ridiculous, but all may prove helpful in their own way. Feel free to add to the list, as there is every chance that I'll forget something crucial.
Things to Buy
Translator: From previous experience last year, communication in the South is often fraught with trouble. To this end, I believe the first thing I must do is find myself a translator. Electronic form would probably be good, but if I have to pay some poor sap to take with me whenever I venture into potential accent hotspots, then that is the sacrifice I'll have to make. If anyone can compile a vocabulary list of "Georgianese", that would probably be much appreciated. I have some words down pat, but I know that there will be many others fleeing over my head. Terms such as fixin' a meal still create confusion, but I'll sort it out eventually (how did it get broke anyway?).
Crash Helmet: Past experience on anything involving bitumen, large and bulky metal capsules, and Americans, has led me to the conclusion that nothing short of an FIA-endorsed helmet, fire-resistant clothing and a vial of Valium will be necessary when driving, or indeed being in a car - whether it be in the front seat, the back seat or even when stuffed in the boot, handcuffed and hogtied. And bugger me if that's not a long sentence.
Shitloads of Tim Tams: While I can't say that American "cookies" are abominable in the way that the chocolate is, nothing stands up to a Tim Tam in any way, shape or form. I'm considering buying a packet each for each flavour (there about 6 or 7), but after careful consideration, this may not be enough. I'll be keeping an eye out for when they're on special.
Dumbass Freshman Zapper Device: I believe that entering into an American university with all the other first-year students could create problems with regard to impressionable imbeciles, variability in ditziness, and the increased probability of being asked to do a Steve Irwin or Paul Hogan impression, or something equally wacky and annoying regarding Crocodiles, other native fauna, and ridiculous convolutions of Australian accents/phrases. Some sort of cow prod or other electrical device could minimise this, though this may bear some trial and error.
Membership for an Expats Group: While all you American folk are quite lovely, I'm sure, nothing helps stave off feelings of homesickness and general alienation amongst people who speak strange languages than meeting up with or otherwise associating oneself with members of your own tribe. I think that something like this, along with the large quantities of chocolate biscuits, would go a long way to make me stop yearning for rust-red deserts, Queensland beaches and decent temperate rainforest. Oh, and accents I can understand.
Bullet-proof Vest: I keep hearing about how violent it is in the USA and how much guns are a part of daily life. So I think I'll go Mr Pimp Daddy-style and grab myself one of these bad boys at some point, just in case someone randomly decides to carjack me or otherwise commit a random act of violence upon my person. I have a feeling this may well be unnecessary in the outer suburbs of a large city, but one can never be too careful. Especially after watching Michael Moore's expose about yanks and their firearms....
Sexual Joke Book: It seems to me that the common sort of a joke for an American to tell revolves around innuendo and one's sexual prowess, assorted naughty bits, and anything else to do with "It". So, in order to appear normal and not tell jokes that Americans may not get, I should probably grab one of these and practise a few on the plane ride over. This may not necessarily mean testing them out on customs officials, however - I'm averse to telling jokes to people who may just tell me to piss off back home. Also, jokes revolving around toilets and other hygienic amenities may be a useful addendum.
A Crucifix And/Or Rosary Beads: Apparently, it's the norm for Americans to enquire after one's religious preferences within minutes of being introduced. How much truth is in this, I don't actually know - however, I figure being down in the south with all of those wacky Baptists and assorted religious types, I might as well join them in a figurative sense. Prominent display of one of these symbols ought to allay any awkward moments involving converting me to the Latter Day Saints, invitations to join Satan in a crematorium or other uncomfortably warm place, or simple shocked silence. I could hope that people are not so presumptuous as to ask, but it's best to be covered for all eventualities.
Political Encyclopaedia: It is quite possible, being election year and all, that I, as an outsider, may be asked my opinion about who I would prefer to see in the White House if and when this election occurs. I've heard that there are some Americans who might be interested in an outside perspective, though whether this is an urban legend is something which may take a bit of confirmation. Nonetheless, some sort of political tome explaining the ins and outs of congress, why people with fake smiles and huge heads run for the Presidency, what the hell happens to all that money and why, what's going on with that Supreme Court decision, and all manner of potentially confusing topics (not least of all - Arnie?! What the.....). Whether I take any of it in is another matter altogether - but one can always try.
This is the abridged list for the time being. Future additions shall be considered immediately, though expect revisions to be made. Thanks for reading, and any assistance or advice will be gratefully accepted, though not by any means paid for.
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