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I AM A SMOKER: Tips on How to Support a Loved One (a smoker)Mar 19 '04 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line This short piece is advice on smoking and relationships.
I am a smoker. I am your brother, your sister, your mother, you friend, your aunt, your cousin, or your father. I am the face that you see enveloped in a cloud of smoke which you try so desperately to dispel with your statistics, pictures of blackened lungs, and advice that might only sound like nagging. I am the one you have banned from restaurants and bars, airplanes and shopping centers in your desperate attempts to help me. I am addicted. So what should you do? Truth be told...without sugarcoating or mincing words...there is not much you can do. That's it, you can do nothing. Or can you? Here are some tips and advice to aid you in helping a loved one to quit smoking from a smoker who has quit many times and failed but is still going to keep trying. I'VE HEARD IT ALL! I've heard the statistics, I've seen the pictures, I'm fairly educated by the warning labels on the package of cigarettes, I KNOW that smoking is bad. You'd have to blind, deaf, and dumb in America (or have been raised by wolves) to not know that smoking is bad. So why are you insistent on cramming down the same facts and figures down my throat along with the smoke I've just inhaled? It really irritates the crap out of me. I'm polite...I go outside to smoke when I come to your house. I sit in the non-smoking section when we go out to eat. I'm careful to throw my cigarette butt after snuffing them out in a garbage bin. Yet time after time when I visit with you I have to hear about my habit. You know what it does? It makes me want to smoke more...it brings up every vision of conservative white America who thinks their way is the only right way to happiness and health. It's even worse when you are an ex-smoker because it makes me want to shove a cigarette down your throat to make you shut up. So what's the alternative to this immersing me in your facts and figures? How about saying "hey, I love you or I care about you and I don't want to see you get sick or die from smoking. I know it's your decision to smoke but I hate to see you do it." Simple huh? You don't even have to say it more than once. Or for the more aggressive anti-corporate & thinker types, "do you know how much money the big corporations are making from you. You really want to pay for your cigarettes that will probably kill you then pay some insurance company to take care of you from the resulting disease?" Whatever the case, pick your battle carefully with a smoker because they have their defense together better than most lawyers. BE SUPPORTIVE NOT JUDGMENTAL So your pet smoker has decided to quit? What can you do to help them stay on the path? Be supportive. You know how cats and dogs make occasional piddle on the floor. A smoker will do the same thing. We fall, we backslide, we smash ourselves face-first into the 2000 chemicals in cigarettes. Point is...yes, we have it figured out...yes, we want to quit, but it's so damned hard and we're not perfect. So we will quit, we'll talk about it for days, then we'll do it and then fail, fail, and fail again. The point is that the last thing we need from you is your sarcasm or your tsking or your looks of disapproval or your "I thought you were quitting." If we are quitting be supportive and all's you have to do is say, "hey congratulations...how are you doing with it; oh wow, you only smoked three today, well, it'll take sometime." We who quit smoking don't need you to make a big fuss or deal, just a few encouraging words will help us tremendously. If we fail, you simply quote a statistic, "ah, well on the average, it usually takes about 7 tries to quit smoking, don't worry about it, you'll be able to do it." WE HAVE TO WANT TO QUIT! Whether you are the spouse, the mother, a friend of a smoker, you cannot nag us into quitting. I love those people I have heard who say that they quit smoking for their boyfriends or children or their pet hamster named Susie. No you did not! And if you did quit for any of those reasons, guess what, you'll be chain-smoking secretively behind a dumpster, carrying 8-gallon bottles of cologne, and your breath will smell of the noxious mix of cigarette smoke and listerine strips. Also, I completely disagree with the "let's quit smoking together" idealism especially when married. It may work for some people but I guarantee you, when it comes to quitting together (unless both people really want to) it can be a huge problem. Why? Because you may argue especially if one person slips up and smokes a cigarette, or one person fails miserably in the attempt and so the other starts smoking in sympathy, or any of the other 9 million reasons. In short, quit for yourself. And YOU, yeah you over there!!! BE SUPPORTIVE! Don't force your non-smoking will on the person you love with all kinds of mild threats and innuendos. You want them to quit, not suffocate you slowly with cigarettes while you sleep. The bottom line: be supportive. A person will quit when they are ready and not before then. As long as they are not impinging upon your free will to breathe, let the person smoke in peace. If they do quit and fall off the wagon, don't judge or harangue them. They don't need it. Don't threaten the smoker...they've given up a lot (especially the old-schoolers) so you can have your clean air. You can't be angry with them for growing up in a society where smoking was as socially acceptable habit as drinking (I remember when a person could smoke in McDonald's). If you just step back, lay off, I can promise for the most part, there are many of us who want to quit and will do so in good time. Then maybe we'll all be able to breathe a little easier. Thank you for reading and have a good day!  |
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