Lord of The Things Act V Mar 24 '04    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Books Mildred D. Taylor - Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry: A Literature Unit From $8 Olivier Dunrea - Ollie From $7 The Bottom Line Act V of my VI Act satire of Lord of the Rings Lord of The Things ACT V The siege of Gondor, The Terror in the Mountains, And More Irritating Images of Cate Blanchett’s Face… -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- Starring: (Names have been retained to incriminate the guilty…) Germericanqt as Frodo _Haggis_ as Sam Voxpoptart as Gollum Nedipooh as Lord of the Nazgul Carl_Lazarevic as Merry JanKP as Pippin CaptainD as Gandalf Oldcomixfan as Legolas 29th_Candidate as Aragorn Flamepillar as Faramir Cosmoandgunner as Gimli Drdevience as Eowyn Skeeter as Shelob Luthien69 as Awren Sleeper54 as Elrond Bill Gates as Himself… er I mean Sauron (if you’re a member of the Microsoft legal team and are reading this, please ignore that little slip-up… Welcome to our newest cast members, Nedipooh as Lord of the Nazgul, and Flamepillar as Faramir. Also introducing in his first screen role (though rumour is rife that the role of Lassi in an upcoming remake has been offered to him – actually I don’t actually know if it’s a him or her but then again who really cares? – well, apart from him / her, anyway…) Skeeter, a small dog (well actually I don’t really know if he / she is small, either) as the terrifying Shelob. And to cap it all, we get our first glimpse of Sauron himself – played wonderfully by Bill Gates. Sadly, none of the other 8 Nazgul appear in this edited version (they will be in the extended DVD, however) – but the actors for these parts, just so you know, are: George Bush, Tony Blair, Rasputin, Margaret Thatcher, Boris Karlov, Carmen Miranda, Glen Close, Clive Sinclair - all have been corrupted by power, fame, or the desire to create things no-one wanted (not talking about the dear old Speccy, of course), some are dead, some simply look like they’re dead although their ability to stand and even on occasion speak makes one believe they must either be alive or possibly under the control of some evil force, some are just plain ugly, none were harmed in the making of this film (despite my best efforts), by no means will any of them earn royalties, etc. Okay, that’s all the introductions done. On with the show. SIT -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- “I will take them to her, yes I will my precious, oh yes, gollum, gollum…” “Who are you talking to, you miserable wretch?” asked Sam, full of compassion as always. ”Nice Smeagol was just thinking of the best way to lead nice Hobitses through dark ways of Minus Ungol and avoid horrible Orcses, Smeagol was, Gollum, Gollum” cried Gollum, looking at Sam with big round eyes like dinner plates that have been hit by the moon like a big Pizza Pie, and that’s amoré, apparently. Sam looked at him with disgust. “You should have been played by JanKP / Dr Freudine (maybe not Miss C), you psychotic schizophrenic psychosomatic polymorphic pleomorphic freak!” At this point Frodo work up. “Oh Sam, dear Sam, you stupid, ugly, fat fool, you really should stop using words you don’t understand. You’re going insane, you know that don’t you?” Sam, however, had a bit more gumption than everyone thought (albeit he wouldn’t have known what “gumption” actually meant), and was ready for this one. “Of course I am, Mr Frodo, Sir. And you’re coming with me.” -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- Faramir came galloping over the horizon pursued by the nasty Nazgul. The men of Minis Tirith roared on encouragement, but groaned when a Nazgul swooped and knocked the fair Faramir off his horse. All looked lost… except… … - INSERT SUSPENSE - … Gandalf rode into the fray, coaxing Shadowfax to an unbelievable speed. Before the Nazgul could swoop once more on the helpless Faramir, Gandalf raised his staff and a brilliant light shone forth, scattering Nazgul hither and thither. Faramir stirred, gazed up at Gandalf, and gasped in awe at the awe-inspiring sight. “No … could it be?” Gandalf smiled on him benevolently. “Yes, indeed it is, valiant Faramir. The Nazgul could not stand the brightness of my Halogen Lamp - not only that, it’s more environmentally friendly, too.” Faramir closed his eyes, barely breathing. “Gandalf, my saviour, how can I ever thank you?” “Well, there is one thing…”, muttered Gandalf, almost to himself. “What is it? Anything up to half my Kingdom is yours!” ”Oi! I heard that, son. I’m not dead yet, you know. And there’s no king-type person showing up just yet, so you don’t have a kingdom to offer, young fella-mi-lad.” (Denethor’s hearing was surprisingly good even in his old age.) “Um, yes, well as I was saying… how can I ever repay you, Gandalf?” “Well now”, said the wise old Wizard, “there is one small thing.” “Say it, and it is yours!”, claimeth Faramir. ”Add my to your WOT”, spake Gandalf. (Check Flamepillars WOT to see if he truly was grateful or if he shalt by sawn asunder by a Balrog for his failure to appreciate CaptainD.) -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- A little later, the Nazgul Lord hissed: “You fools! There was nothing magical or powerful about that light – it was just a light. We only assumed it had some mystical power. Well, we certainly won’t allow ourselves to be fooled by that one again!” -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli looked around them. Everywhere they looked, lots of dead dudes stared at them balefully. It was almost as bad as the House of Lords. “Yo, living-type dudes! How’s it hanging? Of course, you do realise we’re going to have to kill you now. Nothing personal, mind you.” The leader of the dead dudes was over 8 feet tall and had a serious problem with bodily odour, but seemed amiable enough. “Hey there smelly deceased dude! You can’t kill me, I’m a hero! And I’ve got a really KEWL sword that, like, means you’ve gotta give me mega-respect.” Aragorn looked round at the dead dudes, who were muttering among themselves. Legolas’ keen ears picked out the words, “is this true?”, “well can we at least kill his friends?”, and “is that you I can smell?”. Finally, the leader came close to Aragorn, who stood firm despite the evil stench emanating from the foul daemon. “What if we don’t want to help you on your stooopid quest, ugly boy?” Aragorn considered this for a few moments. Then he spake thus in a voice like unto the thunder as it rolls across blackened pastures: “YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!” “And what if we don’t, pig meat? What ya gonna do, kill us?!?” Gimli felt they were wasting time and so wandered up to dead chief bloke and poked him with an axe. “You know what we Dwarves do with dead people, don’t you?” “Um… bury them?” “No thicko, what we do with living dead people, like yourselves.” “Ooh ooh, I know it!” yelled someone in the back, “you make us listen to Elvish poems!” Gimli nodded with a malevolent smile on his face. “That’s right. Over and over again shalt thou here the Lay of Beren and Luthien, forever more shall the epic poem of Elendil be at your ears, never shalt thou be rid of the strains of those damn Elves making their horrible noises and thinking they sound oh so beautiful and righteous. Pontificating pansies, the lot of them.” “OI!” shouted Legolas, only to have a hundred dead hands clamped across his mouth lest he utter another word. “It is enough! We shall go with you, for we cannot stand to hear the Elves. Rise up, my people! Then we shall be freed of this accursed curse with which we are bound, or if not, at least it’ll be a laugh.” Aragorn had found his army. And Gimli had found someone who agreed with his. -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- Legolas found himself gagged for the rest of the Act and banned from all future skateboarding activities. -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- Pippin met a guard-type person in Minis Tirith, and had many jolly adventures before the siege of the city. I just can’t be bothered to write anything about them. -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- Merry realised that he was completely superfluous in this Act and fell asleep until the next one. -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- “Daddy, can I come out now? I promise to be good…”, wailed Arwen in anguish. “Get lost girl, you’ll only go and see that pig of a human, marry him, and produce strange and absurd progeny.” Elrond was in a bad mood – he’d just had his blue hat taken away. (NEVER MAY THAT HAPPEN) “But Daddy, I LOVE HIM!!” Elrond muttered to himself about how sickening it all was, and went to watch the National Dwarf Tossing Championships. (Cue lots of Dwarves saying, “Nobody tosss a Dwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!”.) Arwen sighed, and reverted to plan B, her secret plan that always made her smile when she thought of it, but which she was nonetheless a little nervous about. She took out of her mithril bikini a small device. She flipped it open, and heard a beep. She then brought it up to her mouth and uttered an Elvish chant, which cannot be accurately translated into the common tongue. Nevertheless, it sounds suspiciously like: ”Beam me up, Scotty” -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- Forget anything you’ve ever heard about how the battle at Minis Tirith was won. The real turning point was Denethor being thrown to the Orcs, who all caught food poisoning from him, went mad, and started attacking each other. Another turning point was when the evil Lord of the Nazgul went to bash everyone with his big fish-shaped mace. No-one dared stand in his path, except Eowyn, who had been smuggled along with the Riders of Rohan disguised as a horse. She stood defiantly before Nazgul Dood, who looked her strangely, like a strange thing. “Out of my way, puny human! No man can kill me!”, he boomed. “Ha, but I’m a Woman!”, shrieked Eowyn. The Lord of the Nazgul looked put out for a second, but then recovered. “Yeah well duh, woman is just man with a wo in front of it!” “Er… but that ‘woe’ is meant for you! Ha ha….” “Oh that was really pathetic. And your evil laugh could do with some serious work, too. Out of my way, weakling.” And that, of course, was his big mistake. Being called “weakling” made Eowyn really mad. She stuck a fork in the Nazgul’s face and, to her mild surprise, this killed him. Eowyn proceeded to say something that I refuse to repeat, but I took it to mean she was happy. And thus was the famous saying born: ”Ha, not so tough with a fork in your face, are ya?” -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- “Here, Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob Shelob” “Just who are you calling, Gollum?”, asked Sam, sharp as ever. “Stupid fat hobbit, just my little dog.” Sure enough, a little dog ran out into clearing, wagging its tail madly. Gollum groaned. Someone was heard shouting: “Skeeter! Get in character this instant!” and there was a general scrabbling about in the prosthetics department. Moments later a huge spider bounded out, growling at them. “Woof”, said the spider. ///// CUT \\\\\ The spider rushed towards Frodo, who moved out of the way just in the nick of time (how convenient). It turned its attention to Sam, who was seconds away from being eaten but picked up a stick and threw it. Shelob ran after it… ///// CUT \\\\\ Shelob injected Frodo with a poison and then started licking ///// CUT \\\\\ Shelob screamed in agony, ran to a corner, cocked its leg up ///// CUT \\\\\ -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- ”I am never, NEVER working with that animal again”, the Director was reported as saying… -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- Please click on a link below for more Tolkienesque madness… Lord of The Things Act I Act II Act III – Part I Act III – Part II Act IV Lord of the Rings Revisited – What happened to them afterwards? Book Reviews Lord of the Rings The Silmarillion The Hobbit The Book of Lost Tales 2 Bored of the Rings The Films The Fellowship of the Rings The Two Towers The Return of the King -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

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