Mimi369 made me write this - I swear! (Mimi369's Underwear W/O)

Apr 22, 2004

The Bottom Line Wear undies when wearing pants with zippers! TRUST ME.

She's having a birthday write-off. Well, she IM'd me on AOL and challenged me to write about underwear???? I thought, how funny could this be? Should I cross the proverbial "line" on Epinions? Should I go for pure laughs or plain truth. Well, she demanded funny, so put on your protective gear - it's time to get wet.

People have wonderful names for underwear. The list includes, undies, nut huggers, cluster grabbers, knickers, skivvies, drawers (pronounced draws), cheese graters, jewel cases, rotten cotton, underthings, undergarments, underpants, shorts, jockey shorts, sack jacks, etc. Whatever you call them, underwear is a necessary garment for many reasons.

My earliest memory regarding underwear was at the tender age of six. I guess, my parents were too broke to afford decent kid's underwear, yet I had scads o' Toughskins! LOL Having some earlier chafing issues (where the elastic from the undies would dig into my groin area) I used to just go "commando." For those of you not familiar with this term... It means not to wear undies at all. I'll get back to this in a minute.

Back to the story (from when I was six). One glorious day, I had to go to the restroom and unzipped my Toughskins and started on the road to bladder relief. If you can see this coming - you're smart. I finished. I flushed. I zipped up. And if you're not familiar with what Toughskins were, they were these "pants" built with body armor, liquid steel and 50-ply denim with 100-ply knee patches. Since Sears offered a lifetime warranty on these things, the zipper had to be US Army Mil-Spec. Why do I mention all of this? Simple. Yep, that zipper ate into the flesh that was my, ummmmm, "boy bits." And as hard as I tried to unzip..it was caught. Moving the zipper up or down was just pure agony. Next, you would be watching me do the zipper dance. I hopped around the bathroom and into the hallway screaming for help. My mother's friend was babysitting me at the time and assisted me with my zipper from Hell. She finally got it loose when I uttered the immortal words, "Can you kiss it and make it better?" Do you know TO THIS DAY she asks me if she can kiss it and make it better. And her husband just glares at me for my response. She's almost 70 now. I don't know what's funnier... Every time she uses it or every time she needs to share it with my friends and family members. Speaking of members, there's an underwear moral here. Men? ALWAYS wear underwear...especially when wearing pants with a zipper.

Now, back to the Commando Method -

Commando Method: The pros and cons Well, I suppose that not wearing underwear would cut down on the amount of laundry to do, thus, saving water, electricity and the wear and tear on the washer & dryer. Many people think that not wearing underwear is sexy. Yeah, nothing says SEXY like road rash on the inside of your 501s. Then you ask, "What shall protect your pants from the evil that is your a**?" For men, we have four basic options.


APPLICANT 1: The Tighty Whities (aka briefs)

T.W. has a solid resume with a long list a references. A solid choice if you're doing heavy lifting or physical labor at work. T.W. interrupted my reading of his resume, "Um, Sir? I'm your best bet when you're in need of support. Although I appear plain in white, I'm available in colors, patterns and prints nowadays. You can even use my slot for easy access to going 'number one.'" I thanked T.W. and yelled out, "Next?"

APPLICANT 2: The Bikini Brief

I started to mull over bikini brief's resume and it was mostly jobs from the 1960s through the 1980s. A bit dated. I wasn't impressed with his elastic bands cutting into the skin of the groin area. He's gotten many complaints from chafing and raw skin areas. Not very promising, but I let him say his piece. "I look great on well-endowed men or men from Europe." I replied, "That's it? Next to the Speedo bathing suit, you're the LAMEST thing since the pop band Air Supply!" Then, I went in for the kill...I asked why it is that women no longer like him. He lowered his eyes, shook his head and quietly left the building. Never to be seen again. "NEXT?"

APPLICANT 3: The Boxer

The boxer, gets its name from the baggy shorts that boxers wear in the boxing ring. He was a cool cat. Very comfortable - laid back even. He spoke while I read. Reading his resume, I noticed that a downside to the boxer, is what I like to call the "splint factor." This is when your, ummm... "entertainment center" sticks to your leg and moves with the right or left leg that it's stuck to. Not very fun. Also, if it sticks to your leg whilst sitting, standing up too quickly can be as painful as jumping up from a vinyl seat when you're naked. OUCH! He retorted with, "Yeah, but the ladies like me 'cuz of my easy access, guys like me for the cool factor and the freedom that boxers offer." Due to his need for numerous "adjustments" during the course of the day, he was my second choice.

APPLICANT 4: The Boxer Brief

After reading this well-rounded resume, I knew I had a winner. His resume was extensive and his references were all friends of mine. B.B. has all the cool factor of the boxer, the support of the tighty whities and he saves your thighs from getting chafed. Considered a hybrid, the boxer is one part boxer, one part Tighty Whitie and one part COOL. I must say, they show off my thick thighs rather nicely. All he said during the entire two minute interview was, "You have chosen wisely." I wonder, was he a huge fan of the third Raiders film?

Months later:

B.B. is still on the job and he gets a raise once in a while (wink wink). Ever since I hired these boxer briefs, I have rarely enlist the help of regular boxers. I still keep a couple around...you know, for those times where easy access is the theme of the evening. Hire a boxer brief, you'll be glad ya did.

I usually buy my boxer briefs at Costco. They have a great selection at reasonable prices. Any men's department will also carry these. My brands of choice? Champion, Hanes and Joe Boxer.

Underwear Quality Levels: BARE in mind that, with each of the four applicants, there are a variety of manufacturers and quality levels. If you buy your undergarments at, let's say, Big Lots, you really need to get a second job. One powerful batch of chili and the nuclear fallout will ruin and entire week's worth of those bad boys. In this case, clothing with more plastic in it would be advised. Goggles and a respirator are optional.

I hope I have raised the bar for underwear safety and awareness. Make the right choice when selecting underwear. Your family, friends and lovers depend on it.

Happy Birthday, Mimi!!!!! You're the bestest!

P.S. How was that for writing under pressure? LOL

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