Spencer Gifts Online: "Blazing Barstools! It's the H_T_P Love Fest!
Written: Sep 07 '01 (Updated Sep 08 '01)
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The Bottom Line
Guaranteed to entertain you with its selection of gifts and free e-cards. You can laugh out loud and even wet your pants without fear of public embarrassment!
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What could possibly be more fun than browsing in a Spencer Gifts store?
Browsing Spencer Gifts Online... of course!
I thought this would be an appropriate topic for my entry in the Hard_to_Please Love Fest for our friend Mark (Hard_to_Please) who was recently diagnosed with advanced cancer. All funds raised this write-off will be donated to Mark to help defray some of his expenses.
I am honored to be able to host this write-off for Mark in conjunction with my 200th review. I knew I wanted number 200 to be special and I am so proud to have it posted alongside those contributions from so many wonderful and dear people.
Although Mark has his own wonderfully unique style we are each attempting to honor him by writing in our best Hard_to_Please fashion. We hope you will enjoy the entries.
Caution:
Due to the nature of the products found on the Spencer Gifts Online website, this review was written for a mature audience. It should not be considered appropriate for children, unless you want them to grow up to be rude, crude, and obnoxious. So, why don't you send them into the kitchen now for some milk and cookies while I give you the lowdown and dirty on Spencer Gifts Online?
SpencerGifts.com Design
My first impression is that this is a busy, little site --with lots of graphics and activities. Not until later did I learn it also included graphic activities! (Read on, my mature audience, read on!)
The top banner is filled with Halloween images and “Trick or Treat” … after all, Halloween is barely two months away. One can never start shopping too soon. Perhaps I can find a suitable Halloween costume and have a new photo made for my Epinions profile. I think a witch costume would be quite apropos, don't you?
I was as confused as a freshman sorority girl at her first big frat party... I just didn’t know which button to push first.
There is a row of buttons directly underneath the banner. “Fun” “Win” “Sign-up” “Suggestions” “Find a Store” “Site Map” “Customer Service” “Shopping Cart” and “Check Out” Whew! And that was just a single row of buttons. The sorority girl in me really wanted to click "Fun" of course. However, unlike Hard_to_Please, I was determine to practice some form of self-control.
Along the left side of the screen I’m faced with a myriad of links listing all the various departments. My head is spinning by now... and the party's just getting started!
Featured Products
There are eight different items featured on the homepage, most of them Halloween related. Then my eye catches the Top 10 Items list in the lower right hand corner. My curiosity gets the better of me. David Letterman, where are you?
1. Dashboard Hula Dancer
I used to have one of those until recently. Unfortunately, my little granddaughter was playing with her and dropped her on the tile floor. Trust me, a one-armed,de-nosed hula dancer is no prize.
I loved the ad copy: “The Dashboard Hula Dancer comes with self-adhesive tape for mounting in your own vehicle of pleasure.”
Okay, I'm not going to touch that one, but I'm certain Mark would have his own x-rated comments. Let's just pause for a moment and use our imaginations.
2. Bachelorette Photo Album
Hmmm… that one might have potential. Visions of scantily-clad hunks dancing in my head!
Nope. No such luck.It was actually kind of boring… just a small black photo album embossed with “Last Night Out” … I was hoping it already had the photos in it! What's a girl to do?
They do have some related links that might be interesting: Bachelorette Party Book, Bachelorette Party Pack, and Bachelorette Rating Cards. A bachelorette party might be even more fun than a frat party.
3. Bad Girl Starter Kit
Now we’re talking! (Hold on, Hard_to_Please, you're still recovering from surgery. We don't want to have you ripping out any stitches! You better not look at that one.)
Oh my, I see it includes fishnet stockings, personal vibrator, g-string, hand cuffs, and removable tattoo. Pretty racy. And the related item: a cat o’nine tails.
Forget the frat party, that's definitely private party material there. Oh, honey, look. I wonder who could have sent us this nice package? I dearly love a nice package.
4. Betty Boop Wall Clock
Her special feature is “swinging legs” and for only $29.99 she can be yours. She seems pretty tame after the cat o'nine tails. And for you perverts out there, please note that her legs are swinging together from side to side, almost prim and proper.
5. Carmen Electra Pool Cue
Just what I always wanted.. what a deal for only $24.99. Do people really buy that stuff? Mark, feel free to insert a lewd comment here.
6. Fishnet Bustier
Hmm... do I detect a theme here? And I don’t mean Field and Stream. For the low, low price of $24.99 I can get a bustier and string bikini sized to fit most all. Most all of what, I want to know.
Recommended items are edible finger paint or personal vibrator. I'll bet they sell batteries here, too. Mark, I might let you order the finger paint, but that's all!
7. Jackass Accessory Kit
This kit includes a key ring, two buttons and a sticker. All this for only $12.99, plus I can buy related jackass t-shirts and caps. I have all the reminders of my ex-husband that I need, thank you.
8. A Genuine Superman T-Shirt
Available for only $17.99 – again one size only (large). Sorry, but I like my super men in extra large.
9. Laser One
I didn’t have a clue about this one. Regularly priced at $99.99 this laser projector was on special for $59.99. Doesn’t everyone need to have their own laser light show? Mark, you might have fun with this one. On second thought, you'd probably look directly into it and put your eyes out! If you haven't made yourself go blind already doing all those things your mother warned you about.
10. Human Lamp
This one had been bothering me as I was meticulously working my way down the list. (Self-control, remember?)
I had visions of “Silence of the Lambs” and was wondering what the lamp shade was made of. Ewwwwwwww! That’s enough, I’m grossing myself out.
I was not prepared for the metal stick-figure of a lamp I found when I finally clicked. It stands 6 feet tall with lightbulbs for its head and hands.
It reminded me a little bit of a naked Olive Oyle... not that I ever have or want to see such a sight! That's enough to wake you screaming in the night!
What Else Does the Site Have?
Enough of the fun and frivolity. Time to get down to business and finish exploring the site.
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Wait, first I have to try that banner ad that has been flashing at me the whole time.
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“Flex your butt at Dale’s Chili Hut,” it proclaimed. I clicked on the picture and up popped a window. There he was, I think it was Hard_to_Please himself. Of course I've never seen his naked backside before (I swear, Honey!) but it sure matches the cartoon face of HTP I've been looking at for months now.
The caption on the naked backside reads Stewin’, Stewin’, Stewin’ and comes complete with sound effects. Use your imagination here, folks! Let's all pause for a Hard_to_Please moment.
Continue takes you to a cartoon scene with several disreputable characters sitting at the bar of Dale’s Chili Hut. When you mouse over the characters in different areas of their bodies you get a variety of special effects, complete with distinctive sounds, reminiscent of Blazing Saddles. In this case we have Blazing Barstools!
There’s also a bit of dialogue: "Wasn’t me" and "I pooped in my panties!" (my personal favorite!) Even the dog and the bird chime in when you mouse over them. This was truly gross, but hilarious. In fact, I shouldn't admit it, but it entertained me for quite some time. We may never see Mark on Epinions again!
I discovered that if you mouse over everything very quickly you get a virtual chorus. A cacophony of fartuitous melodies, so to speak. I kept waiting for my daughter to come downstairs to see what I was doing. Thank goodness my husband is out of town tonight!
Bonus: E-Card
Then I realized this was actually an e-card that could be sent to a friend. Well, you know exactly who I had to send the card to – my dear friend, Mr. Hard_to_Please.
I remembered the birthday card he sent me last year. It featured an elephant and a birthday cake. Let’s just say the elephant could have caused an explosion the way he blew out the candles on the cake.
A couple of clicks later:
“Hi, Mark. I was considering the SpencerGifts.com website for the write-off. When I found this I immediately thought of you.
Love,
Pam”
I then clicked on the “Click Here for More Cool Fart Stuff.” This was quickly becoming a Hard_to_Please dream come true. I found an amazing display of flatulence-related items. This included a clock, t-shirt, alarm, fart sludge, farting phone, fart candy, powder, and of course, a whoopee cushion.
Yet Another E-Card
After I had satisfied my baser instincts and imagined Mark’s reaction when he got my card, I dared to click on the other banner card that had been taunting me. Sure enough, I got a ZitBoy e-card. “When bubble wrap doesn’t cut it, you gotta reach for something with a bit more pop!” Oh, yeah, this one is going to my daughter. She drives me crazy popping bubble wrap.
“Dear Bridget,
I know how you love popping bubble wrap. This should be even more fun!
Love,
Mom”
Off that card goes to be delivered upstairs where my daughter is undoubtedly huddled over her computer. I’m waiting to hear, “Mom, gross!”
There is some loud annoying music in the background as you have the opportunity to pop zits of various sizes and locations on the face of the homeliest guy you ever saw. Mousing around his face produces some interesting effects. I wouldn’t want to spoil it for you.
Yes, But Did I Buy Anything?
So far I haven’t really been too tempted to buy anything, so I’ll go back to the home page and take a gander at the various departments. There are 26 different categories listed, including collectibles, pleasure palace, ocean themes, executive gifts, and corporate gifts. No, Mark, you don't need to visit the Pleasure Palace!
Send Gifts Directly
Yes, I think I’ll order an executive gift sent to my boss directly from their site. So what if the shipping clerk is pi-$$-ed (my only urine reference in the whole review and Epinions censors me) at his supervisor and puts the Fart Machine in the box instead of the tasteful and expensive Wave Machine I ordered? When the Spencer’s shipping clerk gets fired, I guess I can always apply for his job.
Other Site Features
They have a helpful site map that lets me see at a glance the types of gifts to be found in each category.
The customer service section has tons of information about ordering, shipping, and helpful information for first-time customers.
When I click on “Shopping Cart” I get the message “Keep Shopping” – yes, my shopping cart is still empty.
I can see them checking the web stats tomorrow:
“There’s another one that just farted around on the site and never ordered a thing.”
Conclusion
Overall, this is an entertaining and busy site. It’s filled with a wide variety of merchandise to suit just about any taste (or lack thereof). If nothing else, go there and "fart" around if you get bored some time. It is truly a Hard_to_Please dream come true ...I guarantee you won't be bored!
Thank you for reading.
Here's a link to all the entries:
http://interlinediscounts.com/writeoff.htm
Thank you very much to each of the participants:
jankp, jkkelley,29th Candidate, Sunkah, Dr_Steph, bwyckoff1, jo.com,AinsleyJo, Lady Cynic, frazzledspice, mcmaster, roxymarie, LordAngel,sherrylee, brendametcalf, pambo, NoMattrWht, Sordid-1, nwinston,SLOW, Suzer,Biggs219, melissasrn, MattJoe, ifif1938, GinaHill, grandgram, Hikini, pogomom, bops_mom, purplewiz, movielover123,repulsemonkey, Redhotleigh, gonow, hypotenuse, blackcat2, mkp51, Kevlog,
flamepillar, PSobel, Taurusmoon, nathsmom, daddieo,Zenhues, cldoss, 2buzy,Lizf, gransurfer1, Deaser26, Auldbawl1, Michiman1, prfstars, BARNZ, fransbebe,Granniemose, ggrimes1221, ginzo, eplovejoy, michealhead, Arthur.Rubin, lisa_j,cripper, Hadassahchana, teddiec, mtbat, momsworkinlate,viper1963,dragonfire88, Linda1527,
jgibson2,Pamelita3099, MaryTara, msmorvay, mptang
Recommended:
Yes
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About the Author
Member: Pam
Location: My Sailboat -- in transit to Caribbean
Reviews written: 263
Trusted by: 344 members
About Me: ~~~~So many oceans...so little time!~~~~
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