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Thank you for sharing this (Reply to this comment)
by mizgnomer
It is very powerful and moving, and I'm very glad to have read it. Thanks so much for sharing this with us.
MizGnomer
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May 05 '04
12:06 pm PDT
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A very touching (Reply to this comment)
by mommykd
story....
Thanks for sharing.
Lisa
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May 03 '04
7:07 am PDT
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Patti (Reply to this comment)
by theresaro
What a touching story this was. Thanks for sharing this.
Teri :)
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Apr 29 '04
4:20 pm PDT
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Re: Though (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Sue, it would probably be very beneficial for your friend to pick up the Betty Jean Lifton books. She had two daughters - one adopted and one biological. Her journey into the psychology on the subject began because of what she saw in them.
And the reality show makes me sick to my stomach. I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow as there's a protest being organized outside ABC studios here in NYC.
Thanks!
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
2:51 pm PDT
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Re: Indeed! (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
It most certainly does leave a feeling of uncertainty. I can remember getting an unsaid message from people that I was somehow wrong to want to know my birthmother; that I should "Shut up and appreciate what I have." No one who knows from whence they come can imagine what that void is like in their lives.
I know my parents love me and they wanted me. I also know that I did better than most. I have one friend who hasn't spoken to her parents in years. Another became a prostitute after her (adoptive) father drilled it into her head that "your mother was a wh*re" and she should be grateful to them for many years. Still another friend who lost her husband on 9/11 had to calm her (adoptive) mother's fears that if she submitted her children's DNA to identify her husband's body, they wouldn't find any other relatives.
It puts a lot of it in perspective for me personally, but it raises a lot of questions about the institution as a whole.
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
2:49 pm PDT
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Re: hey there... (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Thanks Tom. I think that's the whole point - no one side of the triad can ever fully understand the other. A birthparent doesn't understand the adoptive parent, as well as the other way around, and neither of them understand the adoptee's experience either. The best we can hope for is that everyone is open to the other's experiences. It's nice to see that so often in this community.
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
2:44 pm PDT
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Re: I see your piece was as hard to write as mine. (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Yes it was hard to write - thanks Susie!
I do think I tend to think of more people as my "family" because of my lack of blood connection over the years.
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
2:41 pm PDT
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Re: A verr powerful.. (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Thanks Ginger. What I really want is a greater understanding, and less trying to make a child feel like a pawn or prize... or that she has to choose between the person who gave birth to her and the person who's loved her all her life.
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
2:40 pm PDT
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Re: --------- (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Thank you much Jack!
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
2:39 pm PDT
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Re: Oh Patti! (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
It is a circle Deborah, and it gets harder and harder at times. My parents don't see it either which sometimes makes it harder, as well as the fact that they moved in with me about 6 years ago!
I think what makes my realtionship with my birthmother so different than the relationship with my mother is the age difference. She's only 57 while my mom is 78!
Thanks for the comment!
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
2:38 pm PDT
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Re: Goes to show you (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Yup, I think CPS is missing the boat - it is about the people preserving their jobs. Same way Adoption attorneys, facilitators, counselors, social workers, etc. all have a vested interest in getting a woman to surrender her child. They don't make money and their jobs will disappear if she doesn't.
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
2:36 pm PDT
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Re: mom's day.. (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
You are very welcome Pam!
It's a hard decision to make to search. At 17, I'd been built up with the fairy-tale for so long that when it didn't play out that way, it was devastating. When I was older and went through it again with my birthfather, it didn't have the same impact.
I'm glad I had my kids younger too. I was 24 when Melinda was born, and I didn't think much about it at the time. However, as I got older I don't think I would have chosen to have a child if I didn't have the biological information from at least my birthmother. I guess we all have our values evolve differently, but I feel like I was living a very naive and insulated existence for quite some time.
Have a Disney day ;-)
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
2:09 pm PDT
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Re: Thank You, Patti... (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
The important thing is having an open dialogue between all the parties in the triad. It's how I learned a lot - how I first heard birthmothers speak of the coercion and pressure they felt. Often, though, that doesn't happen. There are adoptees who are resentful, and birthmothers and parents who treat the adoptee as a prize.
I have the utmost compassion for someone who surrendered their child, for whatever reason. And I love it when adoptive parents don't view birthparents as competition and get along.
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
2:04 pm PDT
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Re: ! (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
I didn't even realize how I felt about it at the time. It was only the perspective of looking back on it once I was older that I realized how much that devastated me. I acted out pretty badly those years... Had fun, but it wasn't pretty ;-)
I handled finding out the truth - that it was people in between keeping us apart and not her decision not to meet me at that time - a lot better, and I think it's because I'd worked through a lot by then. I also handled the rejection by my birthfather (publisher of San Diego Magazine - that's how I found him) much better.
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
12:42 pm PDT
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Re: .. (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Hey Doc, now I'm really going to be feeling awful about missing that Washington DC meet if only that I could give you a hug that weekend :-)
I'll think of you as I'm flying over the area on my way home from Atlanta!
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
12:39 pm PDT
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Re: Hi (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
You are 100% correct, and this is one of the reasons I really hate that anyone who's adopted doesn't have access to their original birth certificate at 18 or 21. The state should not be in the business of concealing their true identity from an adult. It would also put adoptive parents in a position where they have to acknowledge the truth or it will come back to haunt them later on.
Bless you,
Patti
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Apr 29 '04
12:38 pm PDT
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Though (Reply to this comment)
by millinocket
like others here, I can't personally relate to your story, I have some very close friends who can. They have two adopted sons and both adoptions are "open" - the boys have always known their birth parents. This same couple has a (surprise!) biological son. How will this play out in the future? I guess no one knows.
I'm glad you re-connected with your birth mom, and can only imagine the outrage you feel when you see ads for some idiotic "reality show" that exploits a child and insults every parent and child to ever be involved in an adoption. It seems nothing is sacred to these vultures.
I'm glad you wrote this piece - people need to hear this.
Sue
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Apr 29 '04
11:36 am PDT
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Indeed! (Reply to this comment)
by macresarf1
Dear Patti: You provide a very personal and fresh slant on the subject of adoption. Like most things in America, we have turned adoption into a business and a pastime. A "Reality Show" on the practice may not be the end, but must be close to it.
I always think that a majority of Americans look on their children, birthed or adopted, as pets; puppies who grow up to become a bother.
You were reared by a couple who wanted you, felt responsible for you. That may put you ahead of many others.
Glad you have been able to meet your birth mother. I have relatives in my family (not a mother or father, of course) whom I never met, or who just disappeared. It leaves a strange feeling of uncertainty, does it not?
Regards.
[Macresarf1]
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Apr 29 '04
9:48 am PDT
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hey there... (Reply to this comment)
by sleeper54
..
As others have already suggested, those of us who do not share your
circumstances can not hope to ever fully understand.
But you certainly do pull back the curtains and let some sunshine into
to room.
Very powerfully done indeed.
...tom...
"Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them;
rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."
—Oscar Wilde
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Apr 29 '04
9:32 am PDT
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I see your piece was as hard to write as mine. (Reply to this comment)
by Susie-34668
Congratulations on writing it. I know how hard it was for you, and it is always good to get the truth out.
Be yourself and me proud of who you are. You have a great family, here at Epinions.
Hugs,
Susie.
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Apr 29 '04
9:09 am PDT
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A verr powerful.. (Reply to this comment)
by 4paws
piece you have written. I would never try to say that I can understand, because I have not been there. But, you tell your story so well, it is very moving. I hope it helps others and looking at the comments I'd say it has at least touched many. I'm glad the you and your birth mother have found each other and hope the relationship continues to grow.
Ginger
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Apr 29 '04
8:58 am PDT
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Oh Patti! (Reply to this comment)
by ruby950
I certainly can understand how you must feel. Of course, I didn't know you were adopted. I am happy for you that you have reconnected with your birth mother. Every day really is Mother's Day to me. Now you have two mother's......that is a bonus! Like your parents, mine is in her 80's and now I am doing the mothering.......life is a circle, isn't it?
My best,
Deborah
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Apr 29 '04
5:42 am PDT
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mom's day.. (Reply to this comment)
by smeeeko
Patti.. didn't realize you were adopted.. I'm adopted too! (at 5yrs old) Not looking but I miss my birth father every day.. he died when I was about 3 and all of the kids were sent in various directions with no attempt to keep us together. It worked out very well for me... but now that I'm married and wanting a family, I can't help but wonder what sort of things (biologically) I am carrying to be passed along without knowing my medical history.. I wish I could at least find someone who knew him or visit where they buried him.. but I have no way to do that.. *shrug* Because I don't want to disrupt anyone's life (especially my own) I don't know if I'll ever find him.
Anyway, thanks for your post.. Appreciated.. and especially the links.. =)
your friend.. pamela
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Apr 29 '04
5:25 am PDT
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Thank You, Patti... (Reply to this comment)
by Dionne25
for sharing. I do know some mothers who gave up their children, many who were pressured to do so. I have been told that the child didn't hold a grudge, but that it was hard on them growing up.
You are right, we do need to be more aware and realize these are lives we are dealing with. We all need an eye-opener on adoption. Thanks again and take care.
Dionne :o)
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Apr 29 '04
4:08 am PDT
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! (Reply to this comment)
by jankp
How awful for you to feel your birthmom rejected you. Dr. Freudine will be most interested in this. I'm adopted, but found my mom right away and see her occasionally. She will visit with my half brother soon! A real treat.
Jan
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Apr 29 '04
12:38 am PDT
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.. (Reply to this comment)
by drdevience
On this Mother’s Day, think of all the women who are crying for the children they gave up
Yes they are, indeed, all around..... and crying.
Doc
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Apr 28 '04
11:46 am PDT
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Hi (Reply to this comment)
by michelle7898
Thanks for writing this. I hope others will read it and sign up for that site. I myself lost a child when I was 16 going on 17. My ex's family took my son away from me claiming that I was unfit just because I was young. He is going to be 7 on saturday. He lives up the street but they won't let me see him. I never neglected my son and he always had everything that he needed. He was my pride and joy. But because his family did not aprove of our ages they took our baby away at only a year old. That year that I did have him was the best year of my life. I see him while he is at school "they don't know that" and hope one day he will find me or want to be found himself. It's hard on mother's day. But just because your child may not be with you does not mean that your any less of a MOM.
Thanks again
-Michelle
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Apr 28 '04
10:06 am PDT
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