Worst cover songs ever.May 04 '04 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line This is the bottom line. It's not at the top. So the other day I find myself in front of MTV and hating everything they show, when they outdo themselves by showing the latest Jessica Simpson video. Now, it shouldn't surprise me at all when a Jessica Simpson video makes me retch. I hate everything she stands for - the whole big pop star thing where the star is far more important than the music, where it's all about the clothes and the face. But this one especially annoyed me because it was a cover. And not only that, but a cover of a song I remember from when I was a kid. Now, I didn't much like the song back then, either, and I knew that I would inevitably hear covers of my childhood radio years when I grew up. But I was annoyed at just how bad it was. Berlin had a really good song in the 80's. It was called "The Metro". But chances are you, like me, are more familiar with the Top Gun love song, "Take My Breath Away". And if you weren't around the first time, keep an ear peeled. You'll hear Jessica's version eventually. But anyway, it got me thinking. What are the worst covers I've ever heard? Not that one - it pretty much sounds only slightly more awful than the original. But there has to be one I can choose as the worst. Let me tell ya, there are a lot of bad covers out there. Anyone remember what Guns N' Roses did to "Live And Let Die"? It made me want to shoot Paul McCartney just so he could roll in his grave. I'm sure John Lennon did it for him. Or what about Motley Crue and "Jailhouse Rock"? You know all those "Elvis Lives" theories? They're right. He clawed his way back to the surface just to slap the hell out of Vince Neil. So here is my list of the worst cover songs ever. I'm sure as soon as I finish I'll remember twenty more. And I'm equally sure that my brain will go blank as soon as I start, but I'm going to try anyway. Note that these are in no particular order. Motley Crue - every cover they ever tried. Not only did they ruin the king of rock, they went on several years later to ruin the self-proclaimed kings of punk rock with a screeching, lousy version of the Sex Pistols' signature song. Sadly, I must admit that, though I have no use for 90% of their material, I see merit in Too Fast For Love, Motley Crue's first record back in 1982, but never should this band have ever tried to do any song they didn't write themselves. Funny, Too Fast For Love is cover-free. (Feel free to correct me on that and I will retract it). So, what has the Crue butchered? The Pistols and Elvis, Brownsville Station's "Smokin' In The Boys' Room" (which, to their credit, wasn't all that great to begin with), and the Beatles' "Helter Skelter", to name the most memorable. The worst? Of the bunch, I'd say the worst is the one that any band with a smidgen of talent should be able to pull off, as the band that originally played it was nearly devoid of musical capability - "Anarchy In The UK". If you insist on hearing an American band cover this inherently British song, go with Megadeth instead. Madonna - American Pie If ever there was an argument for justifiable homicide, this is it. Madonna, in yet another attempt to update her image, suddenly decided that she wasn't a pop music icon, rather, that she was a dance mix queen. You see, Maddy, once you reach a certain level of recognition, you pretty much destroy any chance of being accepted into a subculture. Dance clubs are a subculture, and you belong there these days about as much as Hootie and The Blowfish. Hang it up. All of this I could easily have ignored had it not been for the addition of this piece of garbage. Not only does her version completely kill the mood of the song, it rips out every shred of meaning, throws it on the ground, and urinates on it. Vic Chestnut - It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) Fortunately, this one is hard to find. It appeared on an R.E.M. tribute album in the early 90's (see my review of that one - I'm too lazy to link it right now). This particular cover is actually just a really bad dance mix with two lines repeated over and over again - the opening line and the title. I detailed it pretty well in the review, so I'll just leave it here with a warning - don't bother listening to it. William Shatner - Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds I almost didn't include this on the grounds that it was supposed to be bad. But it's reeeeeaaaaally bad. Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes Maybe it's just because I hate Limp Bizkit with a passion not seen since I first heard and began to hate Michael Bolton. But I like to think otherwise. "Faith" was actually, and only because everyone in the world wasn't yet doing "screaming covers" of cheesy songs, funny. The first time I heard it. "Behind Blue Eyes", however, is sacrelige. Fred Durst simply cannot sing. Fortunately, this one earns a few points by sparing us what would have undoubtedly been a complete nightmare had Durst decided to follow through and record the entire song. I'll bet ten to one he tried repeatedly in the studio to do the louder parts and had to be talked into cutting it down to the acoustic parts only. I can only imagine the horror of hearing him scream the chorus. I bet it would sound a lot like... Kid Rock - Feel Like Makin' Love This one actually starts off well. Though I'm not a fan of Kid Rock, he does a fair Bad Company, even if he doesn't do much more than try to sound exactly like the original, begging the question, "what's the point?" The point becomes apparent as the chorus begins and Rock, in typical Kid Rock fashion, screams the title of the song with absolutely no regard for pitch or key. And there's nothing that turns the ladies on more than screaming "I feel like makin' love" at them in the same voice a six year old child uses when he feels like eating an ice cream cone. Marilyn Manson - Sweet Dreams Marilyn Manson was all shock and no substance. I applaud his anti-establishment message. I applaud his ability to disregard what his critics said about him and his ability to enrage the church and other conservative elements every time he moved the slightest muscle. What I do not applaud is his boring, overhyped music, or his sickening cover of the Eurythmics. Annie Lennox gave this song feeling. Marilyn Mansoin gave it anesthesia. His version is not only devoid of soul, but of musical quality. Making everything you get your hands on sound "eerie" isn't art. It's a formula, a pattern. And as history has shown, it's a dead end. Uncle Tupelo - Dead Flowers They never actually released it, but they did perform it live, and the version I've heard is terrible. The reason for its inclusion here is the dissapointment factor. The original version shows Mick Jagger doing his best Jay Farrar impression long before Farrar was even making music. And the chorus harmonies have Jeff Tweedy written all over them. The style of the song exactly matches the UT sound with its country rock flavor. So why did Tupelo fail to produce an incredible rendition? Four words: drunk guys with guitars. If they ever reform, I'll offer them the opportunity to try again and get this song removed from this list. Grand Funk Railroad - Locomotion The song sucked in the first place. So why would a respectable 70's rock band ruin their career by covering it? Tiffany - I Saw Him Standing There It's not the gender change. I understand that part of it. It's not even so much Tiffany or her version of this song (though both suck hard). This actually represents every time a music exec has gotten the bright idea of getting a "hip young teenager" to cover songs that were recorded before they were born in an "updated" version in the hopes of selling concert tickets to 12 year old girls and their mothers. See: Leif Garret. Aerosmith - Remember (Walking In The Sand) Night In The Ruts was a tough era for Aerosmith. They were doing so many drugs, not only did both of their guitarists leave, but they actually thought this sounded good. It doesn't. At all. Weird Al Yanchovic - Give It Away Now, Lump Yanchovic has had some really funny moments and Yanchovic has had some duds. "Yabba Dabba Dabba Dabba Dabba Dabba Doo Now" was just stupid. And "Gump" wasn't much better. So there you have it. For no reason at all, my most hated cover songs. Tomorrow I'll kick myself for not adding something that suddenly pops into my head, I'm sure.  |
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