Captain Disaster Episode 11 - "How to cook an omlette in only 12 seconds"May 06 '04 (Updated Jan 06 '05) Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line The end of the CD series (sniff) This is a continuation of Episode 10 - "Do Androids Dream Of Electronic Beeps?" - you may wish to read that first to have some idea what's going on. Then again, it probably won't help... -~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- Captain Disaster Episode 11 How to cook an omlette in only 12 seconds The tractor beam holding Disaster Area in place was shaking trillions of times a second under the stress of doing its stuff. This was causing a certain amount of heat. Exactly the amount of heat, in fact, required to cook an omlette in only 12 seconds. So now you know. Meanwhile, on board Disaster Area, temperatures were rising to a rather higher degree than that. Captain Disaster himself was approaching the temperature of the core of a white dwarf about to go supernova, if indeed that’s what white dwarves do. Not being astronomical expert, I have no idea myself, but it sounds good. Well, I think it does, anyway. However, The Bjork Queen was still trying to work out what would happen in next century’s Eastenders. Her mind was not fully occupied with the task of universal domination, and this was not a normal situation for her. And strange things were going on in the collective. Drones were suddenly having little individual thoughts, such as, “I wonder why my clothes are so drab?”, “What’s so good about universal domination anyway?”, “”Why weren’t the Spice Girls eradicated before they infected the world with their alleged music?”, and “I’m hungry, I wonder if there’s any Beta Hydran Hippo steak left?” This also was also affecting the queen. She was beginning to feel slightly dizzy. When Female Flossy began to sing Kylie’s wonderful song, “Spinning Around” (which, not that I’m just using this series to voice personal opinion, I think was much better than “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”, even if it was, not that I’m just showing off with how amazingly knowledgeable I am about things, co-written by the wonderful Cathy Dennis, is, erm, what was I talking about, oh yes the over-pricing of vegetables in Katmandu, well I think I’ll just shut up now because I’ve managed to bore not only all three of my readers but also myself, um, well, goodbye…) Several hours of psychiatric therapy later, I came back to see that episode 11 was still disgracefully unfinished, and indeed completely disgraceful in every way, and I thought to myself, “it might be a good idea to actually finish it and stop messing around, you never know, one day I may even earn the money and recognition that my talent so patently deserves not to be rewarded with. The Ice Maiden was filled with feelings she had never experienced before. Not only that, but the feelings of the whole collective were being transmuted to her brain. There was only one possible outcome. It exploded. Which was interesting, as her head stayed intact. There was just a sort of squelching noise, an extremely glazed look in her eyes, and the Queen of The Bjork was left with about as much life in her as a music fan at a Spice Girls concert. Or, conversely, a Spice Girls fan at anywhere that was playing actual music. The Collective could not survive without its queen, and thus all the members of the Collective were freed from their mental bonds! * While these events brought some relief to Captain Disaster, it did present him with something of a problem. With less than 600 words gone, how was he to find something to do to fill the rest of the episode? The answer came in the form of Ja Ja Binks. “Meessa wants to be in your story!”, he exclaimed joyfully. “Ouch, thatsa hurts!”, he exclaimed, rather less joyfully. It was in an absolutely distressed and definitely not a joyful tone that he collapsed into the silence of a dead, and slightly less irritating because of it, irritating alien life-form. I the meantime, Captain Disaster and Flossy enjoyed using up several hundred words in attacking him, although after editing, it became a grand total of only 102 words, even after a lot of predictable time-wasting by the author, putting additional words in for no good reason, such as is happening right now. Indeed. “Uh-oh”, murmured Zero-Bit. It was dark, as it tends to be in the depths of space, and both CD and Flossy were asleep. Now, I hear the question fly to your lips, “Why would Flossy need to sleep?”. You may be thinking of yourself as rather clever, in fact. Well, this is my chance to befuddle you with an ingenious answer, which will make you all realise that you are in the presence of a genius, a superior intelligence, and be awed and respectful. So here it is. The answer. To the question, “Why does Flossy need to sleep?” The question you all want to know the answer to. The answer of which will be so fantastically complex and ingenious that you will be in awe. Here it is then. The answer. The answer is… I don’t really know. He just does. Live with it. (Okay, so I couldn’t think of anything clever.) You may also be wondering why Zero-Bit said, “Uh-oh”. Oh yes you were, just admit it. There is, in fact, a rather clever reason, albeit it Is borrowed from countless episodes of Star Trek. “The fabric of the space-time continuum has been ripped”, mused the computer, “it must have been caused by the explosion of The Bjork ship, when the newly liberated life-forms decided to snuff themselves out now that life was worth living again”. “This is very serious”, he continued to himself, “if it spreads, it could cause a quantum rift, and we all know what that means…” “What does it mean?”, asked CD, who wasn’t part of the “all” who knew what it meant, and had only been pretending to be asleep. “You mean you don’t know?”, asked ZB in astonishment. “Nope. Not an inkling”, replied the Ever Luminous Captain Codswallop. “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha”, said Zero-Bit. Captain Disaster was somewhat mollified. “What, do you think it’s funny or something?” ZB answered, “Yes, although not actually that funny. After 13 ha ha’s my circuits locked.” “So, what does it mean, this wanton gift thingy?” “Quantum Rift”, corrected the indomitable Bit of Zero. “Well, think what happens when you get a small split in your trousers”. “Er… I get Flossy to sew it together?” “Yes. But what if Flossy wasn’t here? What would happen to the split?” “It would get bigger, unless of course I took my trousers off.”# “Indeed. That just doesn’t bear thinking about. But just imagine you didn’t.” “I’d have a draft round my legs, and around...” “Ahem”, interjected the Nil-One, “What would happen to the actual trousers?” “The split would get bigger, I guess.” “Precisely. And what would you do if the split got too big? “Throw them away, I guess, and get a new pair.” “Exactly”, said Zero-Bit with an expression of pure satisfaction on his expressionless screen. After a long pause, CD decided to go with his heart and ask the question that hung in the air in exactly the way that bricks do when they’re in an anti-gravity unit (and when they’re pretending to be Vogon Warships). “So, what exactly are you saying? That the universe will end up being thrown away and a new one bought to replace it?” “Yeah. Well, kind of. You see, the rift will get bigger and bigger until there’s nothing left. Like, the whole universe will be effectively sucked into the singularity of a black hole, thus ending all life, matter and, well, you know, everything.” “Er… where did the black hole come from again?” Zero-Bit sighed. “The black hole is caused by the quantum rift, which is ripping the fabric space-time continuum.” “Right.” “Good, I’m glad you understand”, said ZB. “Um… but where did the rift come from?” “From the explosion of The Bjork ship. It must have been the frequency of the explosion, or the fact that it was all linked together in one mind, or maybe just because the author couldn’t think of anything better than to shamelessly rip off Star Trek.”** “Er… right. I think I understand now.” “I’m glad.” “I’m glad you’re glad.” “I’m glad you’re glad I’m glad.” “Just one thing I’m not quote clear on, though…” ZB sighed again. He would soon do it habitually, and this is what causes inconsistency in the operation of electronic equipment. It is similar to the condition arthritis in humans, and is thus known as “dry joints”. “Where did the Bjork ship come from?” “Dunno. It just kind of appeared. Rendezvousing with Rama, it said on the side of the ship.” “Do you think it’s a clue?” “A clue to what?” “Er… the answer.” “The answer to what?” “The clue.” “Which clue?” “Oh, forget it, you’re just too stupid.” “Who’s talking now?” “I dunno, I lost count.” “Well, you’re both idiots!” “Who said that?” “The Voice of Negativity!” “I thought we told you to get out of here?” “Well, I thought I’d come back to see how you were doing. Anyway, there’s obviously nothing happening in terms of a plot, is there?” “True enough… no, wait, we’re just building suspense, that’s what we’re doing!” “No you’re not!” “Yes we are!” “No you’re not, you’re just waffling, wasting time, space, and quite possibly ink if this stupid story ever gets published.” Just then the plot decided to break in on the conversation. Rama, that great ship which for reasons unknown to anyone contained lots of living camera tripods, came into view on the view screen. It was an imposing sight. Large as a mountain, it could quite comfortably have made a very interesting book by ACC without anything ever actually happening. One striking feature was its engine, which looked like a giant mechanical hedgehog. “Have you ever seen an engine like that before?”, asked Captain D. “Well, I have seen everything the universe over, as I am omnipotent and, unfortunately, slightly flatulent”, said The Voice of Negativity. “Yeah, right. And I suppose you’ll tell us next that you know how to heal this breech in the space-time continuum?” “Well, yes, I do actually.” “Just get out of here!” “But…” “I said OUT!” “But I know how to…” “OUT!” “Don’t you want to know how to heal the breech?” “Well, duh, of course we do! Just not from you. Bye bye.” And thus the stupidity of Captain Disaster ensured there would be no easy solution to the crisis (boo!), but this means that there is more of the story to come (hurray! – or maybe boo! – depending on your point of view). The Voice of Negativity sloped off looking, insofar as it could look like anything, very dejected, hurt, and upset. If Zero-Bit had got a heart, it would have been bleeding. Captain Disaster did have a heart, of sorts anyway, but it seemed to be looking in the other direction at the time and remained completely unmoved. The gigantic spaceship Rama was moving towards the rift. The hedgehog touched the edge of the rift, which CD could see courtesy of Quantum Rift Detector ModelTM v114/6, and the rift began to heal. It was a truly remarkable sight. ZB broke the awed silence with an awed whisper, “awesome, isn’t it?” “So that’s what The Bjork were doing here! They wanted to stop this ship from being able to heal the rift in the continuum!”, exclaimed CD. “Hmm…”, pondered ZB, “no, that wouldn’t make any sense, for two reasons. First, they would also be destroyed by the rift growing, which would rather put a downer on their plans of universal domination. Second, the rift was caused in the first place by The Bjork ship being destroyed.” He finished with a flourish, after which he flourished with a finish. “So someone else must be behind this.” “True”, said a voice behind them. “Okay, Voice of negativity, I thought I told you once”, said Captain Disaster without turning round. “That’s not me. I’m HG Wells, and through my time-travel I can tell you what’s happening, who’s doing this and…” “Nice try, oh negative one. Just get out.” “But, really, I tell you I’m HG Weeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuurgh” And so it came to pass that HG Wells ended an illustrious career by being ejected out of Disaster Area’s airlock into the nothingness of space (sector D, of course). There was a blinding flash on the screen (just as well really that no-one was looking at it at the time then), and suddenly what was to all outward appearances a post box appeared in deep space, next to Rama. The communications channel fizzled open. “Hello.” Captain Disaster was livid, vivid and possibly vapid. “First, that is not the way to address someone in deep space you have never met, it is clearly in breech of protocol 6952148214/4231k43120-412lkjakdfhsdfs9. And second, how the hell did you get the comms channel without me saying, ‘make it so’?” The reply sounded genuinely apologetic. “Oh, sorry about that, old fruit. Didn’t mean to offend. I am the Dentist.” “The Dentist?”, asked CD dubiously. “Yes, surely you’ve heard of my heroic exploits across time and space? I am a Time Lord. There are lots of us, but some of the other medical professions have got a better press. The Doctor is the most famous, but there’s also me, and many others. There’s even The Chiropodist!” “Er… right. Sounds plausible. So, what are you doing here?” “I am here to thwart the evil plans of The Gaffer!” “The Gaffer?” “He’s my arch-nemesis.” “Ah. Of course.” “You’ve heard of The Master, arch-nemesis of that Doctor blokey?” “Yep. Hasn’t everyone?” Well, no-one in the Sigmus system has heard of him. But then again, they are all insects on that system.” There was a brief pause, followed by a slightly longer one. All of which is a long way round of saying that there was a slightly-less than medium pause. Then he said, “We all have our arch-nemeses. Mine is The Gaffer. There is also The Manager, The Boss, The Bloke Who Bosses You Around, and The Man Who Would Be King. The only exception is with The Chiropodist.” “And who is his arch-nemesis?”, asked Capitano Disasterero. “The Podiatrist.” “Ah. Should have guessed.” “Yes. Well anyway, apparently The Gaffer is on his way to stop Rama from healing the rift in the space-time continuum, and I’m here to stop him from stopping them. By the way, what are you doing here? Are you trying to save everyone too?” Captain Disaster did the soft-shoe shuffle. “Well, kind of. In a way. We’re sort of more you’re ‘inter-galactic hangers-on, who tend to save the universe by accident, repeatedly and in amusing situations.” “Sounds pretty cool to me. But then I am an idiot.” Captain Disaster didn’t know quite how to take this. Zero-Bit just sniggered. The Gaffer tried to sneak into the picture without being noticed, but failed completely. “Aha! So, my arch-nemesis, who thinks he is Paul Ince, did you think you could outwit me, a proven incompetent?”, asked the gormless twit called The Dentist. “I did, actually. I mean, how hard can it be? I am an evil genius, while you are a complete imbecile. How could you possibly win against me, especially as I always have infinitely better technology, and may I mention a much slinkier wardrobe?” “And yet”, sighed The Gaffer, “you always defeat me, and on occasion even outwit me. How can this be? It’s unfair, that’s what it is. Just because you’re the hero and I’m the villain. Why can’t they let the villain win, just once in a while? I’ve just turned up right now with the most awesome weapon of mass destruction, and I will probably be foiled by nothing more than, say, an elastic band. The author” (at this point he turned and snarled at me nastily, which ensured he would get a horrible end, although as a Time Lord he would be regenerated – but I control what into! – laughs nastily and hysterically), “will probably make me look foolish too, which is really unfair, as I’m smart, I am, smarter than a smart thing that people stop to look at and go, ‘ Oh look isn’t that smart!’”. Captain Disaster was beginning to feel some sympathy for this mournful creature. He had to admit that his own historic victories in previous chapters were in no way down to his own intelligence, though he couldn’t remember actually going up against an evil genius, as such. But he was sure that if he ever did, he would come off victorious. Then he thought, what the hell, it’s good for me if the baddies lose. “Look, mate, I’ll tell you it straight, if the good guys lose everyone feels great”, he sang, for reasons best left unsaid. “Um… that’s right. No-one likes the bad guys to win. Or the bad girls, even, but sometimes they do as the world’s sexist and even female felons are normally portrayed as victims usually, and they’ve been corrupted by their male partners in crime, or turn good in the end, or get let off by the male cop investigating as he either fancies them or feels sorry for them even though they’re evil, or whatever. But, if you’re a male bad guy, l well I suppose you would have to be a male to be a bad guy, then you’ve got no chance. And like CD said, quite frankly, it makes people feel good to have the good guys win.” “But it doesn’t make me feel good!” “But no-one cares about you!” “I care!” “Well, no-one cares that you care.” During all of this time, Rama had been busily mending the rift. As the preceding conversation had taken some time, it had now finished this job, gone home and had a cup of tea, and was sitting waiting for ACC to decide it was worth dusting off for another sequel. “Drat!”, exclaimed The Gaffer. “Well, I’ve still got this super-hi-tech-weaponry, and I’m gonna take you out once and for all!” He charged the awesome weapon, which discharged its awesome and lethal beam, which happened to hit the exact spot on The Post Box that a rubber band happened to have got stuck to, with the obvious consequence that the beam bounced straight back to source and caused a huge explosion. (Fortunately this one did not cause a breach in the continuum, otherwise you'd have another tiresome explanation of how it was mended, and you wouldn’t want that, unless you’re into self-torture. Though admittedly, if you read this series, you probably are.) When The Gaffer awoke into his next incantation, he found himself in the body of a butterfly. It was hateful. Not only did people think he looked beautiful, but he couldn’t sting them and if he ever tried to attack them, people were delighted and said how cute he was. It was the ultimate agony for him when a small girl told her daddy how much joy this butterfly had brought into her life – this was during a stage when The Gaffer was attempting to repeatedly dive-bomb a youngster in the hope that enough times would cause some pain. He gritted his teeth (well, if he’d had teeth in this body he would definitely have gritted them), and cursed The Author, his new arch-nemesis. The Dentist, deprived of an arch-nemesis for himself, went into private practice and earned a fortune before being sued for malpractice when inserting an K9 tooth via remote control. Before he left, he gave Captain Disaster one word of advice: “Bleepthong”. Sadly, CD never found out what on earth he was talking about, but it was a nice gesture all the same. And thus, the threat to universal stability was staved, starved and starkers, and Captain Disaster hailed as a hero by all who noticed the event. Sadly that was no-one, but CD didn’t deserve the acclaim he didn’t get anyway. Sharp-eyed readers (unlikely as it may sound) may have noticed that Flossy hasn’t really featured in this episode. That’s partly because he was asleep, and mainly because he’s very, very boring. In the next episode I may bring in a new character to liven things up, but then again I might not. Now you’re in suspense, agonising over the issue of Flossy’s survival and the appearance or not of a new character in your favourite sci-fi series (assuming, of course, that it’s the only one you read), I shall leave you. Live long and prosper. And always remember: Androids don’t dream of electronic sleep. (Or at least, 8 out of 10 who were questioned preferred not to). * Sadly, due to the nature of most sentient life-forms in the universe, the former members of the Collective took approximately 6 minutes to utterly annihilate each other. But at least they did it of their own volition, and not as part of a Collective. # It must be noted that, in contrast to most normal people, Captain Disaster only ever had one pair of trousers. This was because of a bad experience he once had with a ferret, but we won’t go into that just now. ** This is not a nice thing for Zero-Bit to have said. However, it is completely and utterly true. ********************************************************** Well that's it - unless I write any more, the Captain Disaster series is now finished. (Sob...) The Captain Disaster Series Episode 1 - "The Planet-Eater of Acturus"
Episode 2 - "A Beta Burger"
Episode 3 - "Wormhole"
Episode 4 - "Mecenaries"
Episode 5 - "A Newish Hope"
Episode 6 - "Timedrive"
Episode 7 - "Correctness, Politically Speaking"
Episode 8 - "Virgin on the Ridiculous"
Episode 9 - "Lighter Than Fast"
Episode 10 - "Do Androids Dream Of Electronic Beeps?"
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