Run for the hills, you fools!--It's Movie Maniacs/Monsters Part 2May 21 '04 (Updated Nov 15 '04) Write an essay on this topic.
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The following is the continuation of my 10 Commendable Movie Maniacs/Monsters See http://www.epinions.com/content_3791429764 Godzilla (in every freakin' movie he's been in!) How does Tokyo keep getting rebuilt so fast??? Born from atomic radiation, this overgrown, fire-breathing reptile lives up to his title of King of The Monsters. With as many films under his belt as James Bond (if not more), Godzilla (originally named Gojira in Japan back in 1954) has reigned supreme for at least half a century & made a classy comeback of recent years. But what exactly is his grudge with Tokyo?? I can't help but smirk whenever this towering behemoth comes stomping into Tokyo because the citizens always act caught off guard, as if it's some Biblical event (you'd think they'd be accustomed to or prepared for his unwelcome visits by now). Usually, we as the viewer are subjected to either 2 possible scenarios: A.) Sit back, let Godzilla let off some steam, then watch him retreat & give the poor people of Tokyo an opportunity to rebuild their smoldering city in his wake, or B.) Some boy genius will come up with the half-cocked theory that summoning or calling in reinforcements like King Kong or Mothra to clash with Godzilla will ensure Tokyo's existence--Oh yeah! Clever plan! Now you have another monster to make a playground of your city, not to mention your human casualty & devastation level will most likely double. Whatever the Big Green Guy's motive for trashing Tokyo every few years (is he racist against Japanese people??), one fact remains definite: Godzilla's longevity doesn't appear to be sailing off into the sunset anytime soon. Long live the King! The Zuni Doll (from Trilogy of Terror I & II) Does Valium work on dolls? This is what happens when Speedy Gonzalez from Looney Tunes has sex with a Critter from the movie (duh) Critters: you get the tribal doll called the Zuni Doll. This hyperactive little hellspawn must've been born in a cup of cappuccino because all this nappy-haired, razor toothed runt does is scamper around at 60 mph, garnishing a primitive spear & emitting a string of bloodcurdling screams & incoherent slurs (this feisty f*cker's never heard of decaf apparently). To be honest, I was on the verge of tears from laughter after seeing this pint-sized bundle of terror in action, hot on the heels of a full-grown adult. If you had perfect timing, you might be able to land a well placed stomping on his puny a** (greatly incapacitating him in doing so), but he's so freakin' limber & swift that he'd most likely stab you in the shins at least a dozen times before you could lift your foot back up. Much like his more popular voodoo practicing, foul-mouthed counterpart Chucky (from Child's Play), it just seems impossible for people to outgrow & toss out dolls. In particular the ones with homicidal tendencies. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man (from Ghostbusters) The tastiest villain in film Once again, one couldn't help but nearly rupture a spleen from laughter when this gargantuan walking snack made his crushing entrance in the sci-fi classic Ghostbusters. Mr. Stay-Puft bares an oddly brotherly-like resemblance to the Michelin Tire Man (except he wears a sailor's suit) & he's not out to sell you the top of the line tires for your car--he's out to reduce N.Y. to a pile of rubble. As if handling the monkey business (no pun intended) of King Kong wasn't a task in itself, now panicky New Yorkers flee from being flattened underfoot by a jovial, skyscraper sized marshmallow man. But in an unholy act that would make Linda Blair gawk, this sacrilegious morsel of doom crosses the line by pulverizing a church. Not holding over well with Bill Murray & his fellow ghostbusting crew, they vaporize Mr. Stay-Puft & become revered heroes of the Big Apple. And although Mr. Stay-Puft wrecked further havoc on the city that never sleeps, at least a plus side emerged from his rampage: free dessert for every New Yorker. The Clowns (from Killer Klowns From Outer Space) The reason why millions of people are scared sh*tless of clowns Possibly the most laughable & horrific 80's flick I've seen. Sure, Killer Klowns From Outer Space reeks of campiness, but it presents the viewer with a rather creative plotline that's as equally terrifying as it is hysterical & supersedes the traditional dictionary definition of "monster". Malevolent aliens incognito as (gasp!) clowns (with a circus tent as their mothership no less) invade a small college town with the intent of overrunning the human populace. Armed with gadgetry that would put James Bond in a stupor, (everything from acid-filled pies, ray guns that wrap their victims into cotton candy cocoons, & shadow puppets that literally gobble up bystanders) these mean-spirited extraterrestrials make it crystal clear they're not here to entertain the masses, nor be the subject of mockery (a biker gets his noggin clobbered off for wrecking a bike of one of our intergalactic freaks). The most perturbing scene by far (at least for me) is a mutant clown inserting a curly straw into a cotton candy cocoon & sucking the blood from the host within. As Psycho did for shower-taking & Jaws did for swimming in the water, Killer Klowns From Outer Space has most likely done for short attendances at the circus. You'll never be able to view clowns in the same context after viewing this cult classic. Jason Voorhees (from every Friday the 13th flick he was in--& let's not forget Freddy vs. Jason http://www.epinions.com/content_132928278148) The guy that gave hockey goalies a bad name Ok, so he's a given, but c'mon: Jason Voorhees is the Mack-Daddy of cinema mass murderers. True, John Carpenter's menacing Michael Myers made his slashing debut before Jason (who didn't even appear until Friday the 13th Pt. 2), but Jason is such a more resilient & savage creation & as inept as it sounds, if ever a motive was a prerequisite for mass murderers, he's got one (come to think of it, he's got 2). As a kid, Jason drowned in Camp Crystal Lake due to neglectful camp counselors who were preoccupied screwing each other's brains out. Jason did have a soft spot though: he was a "mama's boy". So one can only imagine his reaction upon returning from the grave only to witness her decapitation (the final straw you could say). Strapping on his trademark hockey mask (Friday the 13th Pt. 3), Jason set off on a bloody & limitless killing streak against pretty much, well... everyone. He could care less who you are: slut, bimbo, jock, stoner, geek, young, old. Jason is going to murder you in the most heinous & painful fashion he deems necessary. I pity the foo' who tries to go one on one with this indestructible titan, as he's been shot, stabbed, chainsawed, axed, burnt, drowned, electrocuted, hung, & even blown to bits. Folks, I think it's appallingly clear this guy is virtually impervious to any harm. Jason is nothing more than an unrelenting killing machine, whom like that nuisance the Energizer Bunny, just keeps going & going & going......  |
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