My Poor Skills at Egyptian Rat Screw... and ConversationalismMay 27 '04 (Updated May 29 '04) Write an essay on this topic.
Popular Products in Books
The Bottom Line A self-analysis.
Tonight, while working my wonderful job at McDonald's, I had an epiphany. Well, it really wasn't much of one, because it won't get me anywhere, but it didn't kinda make me think, and then I thought, "Whoa, I wonder if those things are connected." I am TERRIBLE at Egyptian Ratscrew. Perhaps one of the worst players you'll ever see. If you don't know how to play to game, find out, because I'm not going to explain it. Anyway, somehow, with this game, my brain just doesn't know how to respond when it sees doubles or sandwiches. I'm talking my genuine Tom brain. It's clueless. Bewildered. My brain sees the card, says, "Wow, that's a double," and doesn't tell my hand to SLAP DOWN. I can't train it to do this, either. No matter what I do, all my brain can do is acknowledge. The only case in which I've been able to play the game and have my hands slap down is when my mind goes into this weird mode that I can't make it go into... when its in that mode, I know it, but once its there, I can only use it for one slap... and then its gone. I've tried time and time again to make this mode return, but its considerably hopeless. The same goes for me, and making conversations. I'm so bad at it that one of my better friends, Drew, felt the need to point it out to me. I was slightly irked, because he was definitely feeling like being in @$$hole mode, but I couldn't blame him, because I knew he was right. When I'm in my purest version of Tom, my brain goes blank. My uncreative, constantly analytical left brain just keeps thinking of possible ways to create conversation, and because I'm very indecisive, I never reach a conclusion. However, when I go into this mode that's not me in my truest form, and just impersonate the closest apparatus of me that I know, then I can create conversation. But I don't really like doing that, even though I have a remarkable skill at it. Egyptian Rat Screw, and making conversations, thus, for me, go hand in hand. Somehow my brain just can't deal with them in the same way. It just doesn't know what to do. I am a terrible speaker, to boot, which is ironic, given my last name (Speaker). "What?" "What?" "What?" "What?" -One thousand or so people that I've talked to I don't really know exactly how I got these bad skills at talking, but I sort of know what they are. Some I think I can eliminate, others... I don't know. One is my constant following of the saying, "If in doubt, mumble." If I have a joke to make and I'm not sure that its funny, I mumble it. And other times, even when I'm completely confident in what I'm saying, I still somehow manage to mumble it, even if I'm speaking in a way that I think is perfectly audible. "Dude, you're mumbling." "No I'm not." "What?" You get it. So, in other words, I have to shout to make sure everybody can hear me, and since I'm used to a life of speaking a certain way, this requires more energy than I'd like to use. Another problem involved with my way of talking is the speed at which I talk. Sometimes, and I have no idea how this happens, every word I have to say just pops out in one very fast sentence, so fast that I can't even understand it myself. Its very weird, and very frustrating. One of those things that I don't know I'll ever be able to control, unless to decide to spend my life speaking slowly, like someone who stutters. That would be constantly embarassing, and it'd make people, and myself, question my intelligence. The final problem I have... well, I guess the best way to explain that would be to quote my friend Greg, on something he said about Quentin Tarantino: "His thoughts are so complex that he can't even put them into words." Perhaps this is my greatest weakness. Even if those two other little curses weren't there, I still wouldn't be very well-spoken, because I always have to have the perfect way to explain things. Once I start on an explanation, I think up a better one, then stop in my tracks, begin a new explanation, and do that again until I've reached an explanation that makes sense to everybody but me. And then, other times, I create amazing stutters, because somehow I just can't manage to get out the word I want to say. Thus, I have a God-given speech problem. I get the idea that if teachers had recognized this back in the day, that they would have put me in a speech class, and this would be gone. But unfortunately, that didn't happen. In the case of making conversation, I'd also just like to note that a large part of that may have to deal with the fact that I'm not a very intelligent person, at all. I can analyze things, and because of that, I can manipulate people however I want to. I'm honestly the best manipulator I know, and its not because I persist, its because I can twist an argument so well that the public just falls for me. Take my English projects for example. I've been the comedy star of my English classes ever since my freshman year. I know what makes people laugh. Because I perform so well at analysis, I know what parallels and corollaries will impress both the students and the teachers, so I'm especially good at creating modern versions of ancient things (Antigone, The Odyssey). And this also goes along with my writing ability. I know I'm a good writer, so I know how I can best express my emotions and still get people to keep wanting to read what I'm writing. People have emailed me and told me that they've printed out pages and pages of what I've written because they had to get off the computer. That tells me what I can do. You know this book that I'm writing? Supposing I would ever publish it, whether or not it'd be popular, it would move people, because they'd understand exactly what I'm saying, and what's going on, without me really having to explain it. So... that is an analysis of myself. I guess the thesis is, "I am not an intelligent person, but the skills God has given me at analyzing things allows me to be successful in almost everything, with the exception of creating conversation." Unless, of course, that conversation generates from a person that is not really me. If there's a person that I feel I'm personally connected with, like Keka, Jake, Marshall, my brother, or my dad, then I can keep talking to that person, being my real, real self. And I hate how hard it is to find those types of people... and it sucked so badly when I recently found one, and I felt that sort of connection, and we both didn't have the time to fit each other into our lives (just as friends in general). Those people aren't quite so rare as they are just uncommon. But I think you get what I'm saying. The fact that those people exist helps me to realize that I'll never marry anyone from this school that I go to, because all of the girls that I fall in "love" with (as in, they "love" me too), I don't have that connection with. We just talk, are somehow mad for each other, but never get into anything deep. Like Caroline. I love that girl. Well, its not real love. But I'm crazy about her, deep on the inside, even as much as I try to avoid it. And when I see her I just think of how beautiful she is, and how cool she is to talk to. But Caroline and I have no real connection. We just talk about how our day was, and every once in a while release our emotions to each other, but we still can't just have a daily talk about our deepest daily thoughts. Like... last week, Caroline told me EVERYTHING that she thinks about her friends. But it wasn't because of a connection, it was because she just had to get it out. And last week, I wrote a very, very emotional letter about my life to this kid Matt, and it wasn't because Matt and I have a real connection, it was because I felt the need to get those emotions out, and Matt seemed like the type of guy who would listen. All of the stuff that I told to Matt, I would have told to you, and you would be reading it right now, but unfortunately, it went to him, so you won't be getting it. Its not really that important anyway, however, I'm sure some of it will be recounted in the future. Anyway, that connection is something you feel with someone the moment you talk to them. It doesn't die, it doesn't go away. Marshall and I... he's the best friend I'll probably ever have... I remember the first night I realized how well he and I connected. We were at my friend's birthday party, and everybody else went to sleep, but he and I spent hours and hours just talking, and talking, and talking, until everybody else finally woke up. We just talked about stuff. I can't even remember exactly what, but there were no silences, and a lot of our conversations were deep and personal. With Keka, it was the same way. There was something about her, I could just release every emotion in my head to her, and it was amazing, and while she and I aren't as good of friends as we once were, we never really run out of anything to talk about, and can still get below surface-level crap when it comes to conversation. I've always felt it with my dad, but unfortunately not my mother (though I love her with all of my heart). And Jake and my brother, those are just two guys who I can always relate to about things. Those are all of the people I can directly think of that I have that with. Other people I just don't really talk to enough to realize it. My friend Greg, like, we talk about deep philosophical stuff, but its never really deep personal stuff that I tell other people. That's just how it goes. So all of the girls that I'd love to be with, and all of the girls that my family thinks I should be with... we just have to realize it won't happen. Caroline and I will probably never connect on that level I just so wish we'd connect on. And Brittany and Kerrah, two girls my family is crazy about... they're nice girls, but none of us just connect. We can't really talk that well. It doesn't help especially when I'm a bad conversationalist. About Brittany... even if we did connect, I doubt it could ever happen anyway. Check this out: All of the girls I fall in love with are depressed, suicidal, and crazy. Every single one. They all hate their lives. Caroline. Megan. Whitney. Heather. The best day of their lives will probably be the day they die. And their lives are especially unremarkable, too. Brittany is at the top of the ladder. When asked what her happiness was on a scale from one to five, she said five. 4.5 GPA. WON THE NATIONAL CHEERLEADING CHAMPIONSHIPS FOR HER AGE GROUP, and when as a freshman, she tried out for the high school team, they changed the rules so that freshmen could make varsity. That's how perfect Brittany is. And she's so small and cute, and you could look at her and believe she's never sinned in her life. If she and I had that connection, the relationship would crumble, because I'm so used to dealing with girls that hate themselves. I mean, we're casual friends and stuff, but if we were ever going to be good friends, it would have been a long time ago. The girl just intimidates me. When my mom pressured me to ask her out, my dad, and this is a good example of the connection we have, said, "I'm guessing you might think she's out of your league." He was right on.  |
| Read all comments (3)|Write your own comment |
- Top 1000
