Ding Dong, the Grump Is Gone, Grumpy Grump, Grace is Gone...
Jun 15 '04
The Bottom Line Publish all the book reviews you can while she's not looking!!!!!!!!!
As a former co-worker who claimed to never, ever swear might say, "Oh! My Godfrey!" (go ahead, convince me that ain't a cheap-o euphemism for "Ohmigawd!") How did I get sucked into this? Oh, heck, Grace is on vacation and - at least for now - she can't hurt me! Therefore, I respectfully submit this entry to the one and only (I hope) It's All GraceF's Fault WriteOff.... (other entries are documented here)
1. What world event is Grace's fault?
Easy. Texas is Grace's fault - she moves to the Lone Taillight State from Chicagoland and all of a sudden Stetsons, Tony Lamas, and dinner-plate-sized belt buckles start cropping up at every drugstore on six continents. No, wait, I take that back: I take it as an article of faith that The Divine Ms G is personally responsible for New Coke, the Edsel, and both "Ishtar" and "Gigli." Take that, oh grumpy one!
2. What's your favorite hint on Grace's page?
Oh, that's easy - the Grammar Curmudgeon even quoted her on this one once "The comma is your friend, but it's not a friggin' Christmas tree decoration..." I should however, point out that my current profile picture (c.f.) pays Xtreme! homage to another Gracie-ous Grump: "I don't want your copy/paste ingredients list either..."
3. What literature character reminds you the most of Grace?
Hmmm, did Michael Crichton give one of the Velociraptors a name in Jurassic Park? I mean, the things were certainly grumpy - and I seem to remember one of them chomping on a book or two in the film version.
4. What famous person (living or dead) reminds you of Grace?
Grace, of course. At least I think she's living or dead - maybe we ought to consult adriennefoster to be certain, however. But then maybe it was Robert Lewis Stephenson, whose last words, spoken to his wife were, "Do I look grumpy?"
5. Favorite Grace memory?
Mmmm, I remember that she's on vacation at this very moment and can't hurt me. With any luck, she's camping in the Great North Woods (or maybe the Sahara Forest) and lacks a high-speed internet connection, so I can get this little missive into file13 before she sees it (sort of like my EBD review on McDonalds).
6. If Grace were an animal, what would you feed her?
If? If? If?! The woman is an animal - Grumpilicious literensis subsp. gracieosky L., the (uncommon) Book Grump. According to my Petersen's Guide to the Grump Family, the Book Grump subsists on a diet of semiliterate book reviewers, which she consumes alive and wriggling in the manner of Klingons having a bloodworm snack. She washes them down with a concoction comprising big gulps of Chemical CAS, Ethanol/SD Alcohol, Fragrance(s)/perfume(s),Polymer(s) (unspecified,) Water, Quality control agents, and BHT/EDA.
Ha! Gotcha there, Grace - an ingredient list!
7. What world leader is most likely to be carrying on an email exchange with Grace, and why?
Lady Margaret Thatcher (Epinions member ironpants) - she's in a flame war with Grace over the "Helpful" rating that the grump gave her most recent review of a Barbara Cartland bodice-ripper. There was also that time not long ago that I remember U N SecGen Kofi Anan was exchanging advice with Grace over how to keep her stable of Advisors from revolting and running off to Beauty.
8. How long must Grace live in Texas before she becomes an everything grump instead of simply a book grump?
I can attest from personal experience that that will require exactly one summer - even less time if the A/C fails for more than a couple of hours! No, wait - she's already been there for a complete summer!
9. If Grace were an action figure, what parts would bend and what accouterments would she be carrying?
The G-woman would bend in places where other people don't even have places - like that not-unattractive appendage of hers that dashes off occasionally snarky comments or the extra finger she has for clicking on the "OffTopic" button. She would most certainly be carrying around a complete, custom-fashioned set of ratings stamps with hand-chiseled letters and a six-pound maul with which to make the imprint (not to mention the spare "Somewhat Helpful" in case the original wears out before the others).
10. How long will it be before Grace's guerilla fighters invade Brisbane?
I have no idea - but we'll know they're in place when very one of the entries in this write-off disappears, and the average total hits for all participants drops to eleven. So if this sentence doesn't end properly
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