I Am My Father ... And Now I Understand
Jun 20 '04 (Updated Jul 06 '04)
The Bottom Line Thank your father for what they went through all those years ago - they really DID understand.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. - Mark Twain
Dad, you’ll probably never read this, but here goes - Thank You, I’m sorry … and I finally understand. Thank you for dealing with me when I knew it all, Sorry for being such a pain in the butt when you tried to help, and I finally understand what it was like. Any new advice almost 20 years later? I promise that I’ll listen now.
[ • when I was YOUNGER • ]
When I was a kid, I was a classic case of ADHD – I even have an old report card that states that I used to "wander around the classroom at inappropriate times." Having to deal with it now, I can only begin to understand what it must have been like for my father (and heck, Mom too) to deal with a combination of short attention span, teenage hormones and an overly curious mind.
Back then, I knew it all. My father was from a different time and didn’t – couldn’t – understand what a teenager in the 1980s was going through. I’d yell, he’d yell – such was life in high school with me trying to live my life without the shackles that he continually encumbered me with. Like I said, I knew it all – couldn’t he understand?
[ • lessons LEARNED • ]
Now, almost two decades later, it’s me who finally understands. When I got married, I inherited a teenager – now 16 – and got a crash course on parenting. The fun of parenting a teenager was a free bonus. But with this new responsibility came some knowledge, and with knowledge came the realization that maybe, just maybe, my father knew more than he let on all those years ago.
It’s funny, since there’s no blood between my stepson and I, yet in so many ways we are very similar. I see many of the same traits I know that I had in him – and understand how difficult it can be to be a parent when facing those traits - and he really is a good kid overall.
It was one day after receiving a disappointing report card that it became clear – the comments mentioned missed assignments, late or barely adequate homework. On our side, we’d seen an intense focus on non-school-related pursuits, although we were repeatedly assured that he had things under control. But the grades spelled it out – he was being distracted, focusing on other things, forgetful – just like myself all those years ago.
Our words fell on mostly deaf ears – frustration was evident, rebellion hiding just below the surface. He was argumentative and although he never said it, quite clearly knew we didn’t understand. But suddenly, I did. I could hear my father’s voice coming out of my mouth (though with less volume) as we tried to get him to understand that we were trying to help. And I realized … I am my father.
[ • now I UNDERSTAND • ]
So what have I learned? What pearls of wisdom do I wish I could have known then that I know now? What will my stepson learn himself someday?
1) I understand how frustrating I was when I knew it all.
2) I understand that having to say the same thing over and over can try the patience.
3) I understand how hard it was to watch me fail, but knowing I had to learn to run without you standing over me.
4) I understand that even so, you would do anything you could to protect me when you could.
5) I understand you were right. Katy was bad news.
6) I understand a happy kid can make your day.
7) I understand that being a parent means sacrifices, even if the recipient doesn’t realize or understand them.
8) I understand what it means to be proud of your kid’s accomplishments.
9) I understand, also the worry about their choices, but know that only by letting them make those choices can they grow up.
10) I understand why you got so frustrated when I ate the last of something and didn’t tell you.
11) I understand that chores were about more than slave labor (although the wages still suck).
12) I'll never understand the whole "cheap beer" thing. Maybe someday … but not yet.
13) I understand that just because you weren’t always there for a home run or a winning race, it wasn’t because you didn’t want to be.
14) I understand why rules are there to set limits – and that children have to break them to find their own.
15) I understand that anger and love are closely related, and that frustration can be the bridge between them.
16) I understand trust earned is infinitely more worthy than trust given freely.
17) I understand why things happened the way they did, even if I didn’t like it then.
18) I understand that you really DID understand the majority of things, even if some of my fashion statements drove you nuts.
19) I understand how much a little recognition and effort on special days like Father’s Day means.
20) And finally, I understand what it means to be a father, and appreciate you all the more for it.
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Epinions.com ID:
martytdx
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Member: Marty
Location: New Jersey
Reviews written: 481
Trusted by: 179 members
About Me:
Doing what I can to try new places, restaurants, books and beers.
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