Annoying? You gotta do better'n that!
Jun 23 '04
The Bottom Line Yawn... I need a rest.
I got an email a little while ago inviting me to participate in mothra3's The Most Annoying Questions I've Ever Been Asked... writeoff. Now I don't know about you, but I've had a draft physical, been caught playing euchre for quarters in the back room of a saloon by the Indianapolis police, and filled out a job application for the U S Civil Service. These questions ain't nuthin'! But here you go anyway...
1) What is your full name, including middle and maiden names (if applicable)?
First and Middle = The cowboy from Willcox. Last is a state secret (I won't even tell you what state), but somewhat similar to a germanic word for "dumpling."
2) Your Social Security number?
[(10*my mother's age when I was born)-9] - [my sister's age - 1] - [my zip +4]
3) Credit Card number including expiration date?
443129250406. Expires 8/1973 No, wait a minute, that's my draft card number.
4) Sex? Yes, please. If so, how often? Yes, thank you.
5) Who is the most annoying member here at Epinions?
Some people seem to think it's me. Who am I to argue?
6) If you could give everyone at Epinions one piece of advice, what would it be?
Be sweet. If you can't be sweet, at least be low-carb.
7) If there were a button in the opinion ratings that said "helpful, but unreadable; please check for errors and resubmit", would you use it?
Ooooh! The Grammar Curmudgeon adores the proper use of the subjunctive! In answer to your question, Yes! and often!
8) If you could invent your own such button, what would it say?
"This review violates the literary standards of the Grammar Curmudgeon. For additional information, start here and follow the links."
9) What is your most disgusting habit?
Leaving big blank spots in the middle of my reviews.
10) One day you encounter a magical sprite (a faerie, not the soft drink, you son of a silly person!) who offers to let you see yourself as other people see you for just one day. Would you take him up on his offer?
Since when are sprites male?
11) What is the central struggle at the heart of the novel The Turn of the Screw by Henry James? Discuss.
Ummmm... something to do with carpentry?
12) Quien es mas macho? Lorenzo Lamas o Ricardo Montalban???
Penso que el mas macho es Sr. Ricardo Sobrino, o El Presidente Vicente Fox.
13) If you could go back in time, what era would you visit and why?
The Sixties. If you have to ask, you weren't there.
14) (ok, think Eighties here:) The news comes in that Nuclear Annhilation is at hand. You've got one minute to get to your backyard fallout shelter. What three things do you grab on the way?
Some possible choices:...
1) an extra i for "annihilation."
2) the keys to the shelter
3) my dog
15) When making salad dressing with Oil, Vinegar, Water and Spices, in what order do they settle (from top to bottom)? No Cheating!!!
Who puts water in Oil and Vinegar? Most spices float on oil, oil floats on vinegar, and vinegar is miscible in water.
16) True or false: some words can be made plural by adding an apostrophe and s.
True (but only in some alternate universe).
17) Yellow and Blue make green, but what do Yellow, Cyan and Magenta make???
White light, brownish-gray paint.
18) Speaking of colors, they may come close, but according to some experts, you won't see this color flower in nature. What is it?
Orange, maybe? Did you know that there is no (real) rhyme for "orange" - "door hinge" excluded - nor is there a valid rhyme for "purple." What's with words for colors, anyway?
19) How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Several hogsheads and a couple of drams worth per fortnight.
20) You are interviewing for the job of a lifetime in New York City. The room where you are being interviewed is in the center of the office and is not enclosed, allowing little privacy. When your interviewer steps away for a few moments, you notice more than just a few people "casually" walk past the table where you are seated, their eyes glued on something underneath the table. As they do this, they comment to each other under their breath, even with an occasional snicker. You check your fly, but can't find anything amiss.
When your interviewer returns, you can't help mentioning this odd parade. He replies unflinchingly that they were doing "shoe check" to see if you had " the right kind of shoes."
How do you react?
a) laugh nervously and gibe that you "hope you passed."
b) walk out in disgust at such childish behavior
c) proudly look at your Italian leather shoes and think to yourself, "I was born to work here."
d) leave a stink bomb in their bathroom before departing
e) other-please elaborate:
e) Engage the interviewer in a lengthy discussion of the history of shoes with amusing anecdotes about Jesus' sandals, Genghis Kahn's horsehide boots, and those goofy green elf shoes David Sedaris had to wear in "The Santaland Diaries."
21) Who is the bigger blowhard, Michael Moore or Rush Limbaugh?
It's a tie, except Moore doesn't also have a blowhard brother (to my knowledge) - therefore, Limbaugh is the winner by a nose - or by the thickness of a pad of 'scrips for Oxycontin.
22) You return home from vacation to find your home broken into. The first thought that crosses your mind is, "I hope they didn't get..." what?
Hurt, otherwise I'll probably get sued.
23) You are in a car accident and the car stereo turns itself to some strange radio station. You are pinned and cannot turn it off, nor change the station. The hours pass as you wait to be rescued...what would you pray you wouldn't be stuck listening to?
Focus on the Family, C & W, or AM Talk.
24) Find the error in the following sentences:
Whose kangaroo is it who's pounding Sylvester?
It's Tweety who pounds Sylvester, not a kangaroo.
It's time to go and see Mildred's famous pony with its colorful wagon full of apples, plums and bananas.
"Plums" comes first in the series because it's only one syllable long. Make that "plums, apples, and bananas."
There are some people standing over there by their car.
In this day and age, one should always attempt to use public transportation
You're sure that those are your pants?
No, I wear kilts (Mom's a Scot, you see)
25) Train A carrying nuclear waste from a power plant to the Nevada desert leaves Station B at 3 AM, traveling at 180 km/hr. Assuming that the distance it must travel is 1600 miles, how long will it take for:
a) a crowd of protesters to lie down on the tracks, tempting fate to prevent it from arriving at its destination?
b) a group of terrorists to either steal it or blow it up near a metropolitan area?
c) certain politicians, blamed for allowing it, to be voted out of office?
Please show all calculations.
WIPP is in New Mexico, so it doesn't make much difference... (AFAIK, Yucca Mountain's not taking "donations" yet)
26) Speaking of blame, whose fault is the war in Iraq?
a) Saddam Hussein
b) Osama bin Laden
c) Bush & Blair
d) Mine
e) God's
f) Other: ______________________
discuss.
I'm good with "e." I 'm of the opinion that if the folks in that neighborhood weren't so confused about what religion - the love of God - truly is, we wouldn't be in this mess.
27) On a transcontinental flight, you find yourself seated next to a "chatty Cathy". You're very tired, but he/she just isn't getting the message. You speak to the stewardess to see if you can change seats. She tells you that the only other seats available are:
a) next to a screaming baby;
b) next to a passenger whose girth makes it impossible to sit in just one seat;
c) right in the very middle seat, surrounded by a group of people whose religion prohibits bathing;
d) with a group of 8th graders on their first class trip.
What do you do?
I begin to cough into my hand and wheeze as though I'm coming down with a nasty cold. If possible, I spray him/her with a little spittle, and moan softly a time or two while massaging my eyes and armpits. That oughta get him out of that seat so I can read in peace.
28) Can you identify the following quote:
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The first is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but the second, and only slightly less well known, is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"
(for extra credit, give us another...)
Nope. I don't do movies. Sounds very "Apocalypse Now," though. If so - "Charlie don't surf."
29)True or False: If I weren't a total Epinions junkie, I wouldn't have made it this far, much less even dream of answering such annoying questions.
False, errr, true. What was the question again?
satisfied?
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