Because I Can.

Jun 28, 2004

The Bottom Line *mutters* spawn of Satan, these things...

Yes, it’s another bizarre write-off. I swear, these things breed. But Epinions still hasn’t blessed us with a category for the new Nancy & Lee record, and that strange new Wilson Phillips CD isn’t out until next week so I cannot review it, and I don’t really have the burning urge to help Consumers make an Informed Buying Decision regarding anything else. And I am bored. So that’s why I’m here.

1) What is your full name, including middle and maiden names (if applicable)?

What, and spoil the mystique? Not likely!

OK. Anyone here seen “Murder Rooms II”? No, I didn’t think so. Anyway, I have the same name as one of the characters in it. She was a painfully withdrawn heiress who got it on with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, but the blossoming relationship was ended quite abruptly when Sir Artie discovered that his girlfriend was seriously whacko and liked killing people in her spare time. Well, nobody’s perfect

2) Your Social Security number?

My middle name is Ralph, as in puke, my birthday is March 12 th, I’m 5' 9" and a half, I weigh 130 pounds and my social security number is 049380913. Yes, I am really that kid from The Breakfast Club.

3) Credit Card number including expiration date?

4564 5556 3218 7870. Expires 07/04. And if you believe that, you’ll believe anything.

4) Sex?

How many times do people have to ask us this? Look, I’ll drop my pants and you can see for once and for all.

If so, how often?

You know as well as I do. Now for God’s sakes get over that broken leg and go back to photographing sport, you freak.

5) Who is the most annoying member here at Epinions?

Wow. I’m touched that you think I care enough about Epinions to attribute personality traits to its members. *sniff* Oh, I love you. No man, you rock. No, seriously.

6) If you could give everyone at Epinions one piece of advice, what would it be?


7) If there were a button in the opinion ratings that said “helpful, but unreadable; please check for errors and resubmit”, would you use it?

No. How would *you* like it?

8) If you could invent your own such button, what would it say?

It would be labelled in the style of the wonderful Antipodean parody-metal band Blood Duster, whose repertoire contains such ditties as “atracksuitisnotappropriatemetalapparel” and “pornstorestiffie”. Thusly, my Epinions rating button would say something along the lines of “threelinesaboutalbumartisnotacomprehensiveproductreview”.

9) What is your most disgusting habit?

I don’t have disgusting habits. Selfish, yes. Inconsiderate, yes. Bordering on evil, certainly. But not physically disgusting.

10) One day you encounter a magical sprite (a faerie, not the soft drink, you son of a silly person!) who offers to let you see yourself as other people see you for just one day. Would you take him up on his offer?

What?!? You mean the soft drink isn’t magical? But… but how can it turn blue then? And, come to think of it, why does the blue flavour taste like detergent?

11) What is the central struggle at the heart of the novel The Turn of the Screw by Henry James? Discuss.

Maybe my disgusting habit is not reading Henry James novels.

12) Quien es mas macho? Lorenzo Lamas o Ricardo Montalban???

Duuuude. “The Simpsons’ Mexican Bee all the way.

13) If you could go back in time, what era would you visit and why?

The early 90s. Again. Because they rule, that’s why.

14) (ok, think Eighties here:) The news comes in that Nuclear Annhilation is at hand. You’ve got one minute to get to your backyard fallout shelter. What three things do you grab on the way?
Some possible choices:
-as much food as you can carry
-as much water as you can carry
-a gas mask
-a transistor radio
-your favorite pillow
-your cellular phone and laptop
-a good book
-some clean underwear
-any others???

Do humans and other animate objects count? If so, I’d take as much clean clothing and make-up as I could carry, my dog and one of my friends. That way, my more practical friend could take care of food, water and a television. Sweet!

15) When making salad dressing with Oil, Vinegar, Water and Spices, in what order do they settle (from top to bottom)? No Cheating!!!

I’m meant to be making the salad dressing? Then why do I employ all those trained rhesus monkeys in my kitchen? Other than because they’re strapped for cash after enrolling in those typing and Shakespeare courses.

16) True or false: some words can be made plural by adding an apostrophe and s.

I sincerely hope it’s False.

17) Yellow and Blue make green, but what do Yellow, Cyan and Magenta make???

Possibly something like what was in that bucket next to my bed last week after I consumed beer, a Hershey’s Chocolate Pie, a burger with way too many pickles, and a bucket of fries in perilously quick succession. That was last week and I still feel like I have swallowed a cannonball. God damn.

18) Speaking of colors, they may come close, but according to some experts, you won’t see this color flower in nature. What is it?

That’s an interesting question. Either black or green, but I’m not sure which.

19) How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

How do you know it can’t? Making assumptions can be very dangerous.

20) You are interviewing for the job of a lifetime in New York City. The room where you are being interviewed is in the center of the office and is not enclosed, allowing little privacy. When your interviewer steps away for a few moments, you notice more than just a few people “casually” walk past the table where you are seated, their eyes glued on something underneath the table. As they do this, they comment to each other under their breath, even with an occasional snicker. You check your fly, but can’t find anything amiss.

When your interviewer returns, you can’t help mentioning this odd parade. He replies unflinchingly that they were doing “shoe check” to see if you had “ the right kind of shoes.”

How do you react?
a) laugh nervously and gibe that you “hope you passed.”
b) walk out in disgust at such childish behavior
c) proudly look at your Italian leather shoes and think to yourself, “I was born to work here.”
d) leave a stink bomb in their bathroom before departing
e) other—please elaborate:

As if I would want to work in New York City anyway. I despise it. In fact, I wouldn’t want to work anywhere else. I’m perfectly happy as I am. Why do you suddenly want me to leave and move to New York City? What did I do? I thought you were my friends! Seriously, your kid was like that before I got in my car! Well? WELL???

21) Who is the bigger blowhard, Michael Moore or Rush Limbaugh?

Ecch. They both make me want to vomit. My limited knowledge of Mr. Limbaugh does not endear him to me in the slightest, and as for that other jerk, he writes for teenagers who wish to look “socially conscious” by reading ‘Stupid White Men’ on the bus. As much as I loathe George Dubbya, I also really frickin’ hate that stupid immature anti-authority American-hero stance.

22) You return home from vacation to find your home broken into. The first thought that crosses your mind is, “I hope they didn’t get…” what?

Anything. Obviously. …Actually, make it anything that belongs to anyone else and is currently chillin’ at my house. I really should give all that stuff back.

23) You are in a car accident and the car stereo turns itself to some strange radio station. You are pinned and cannot turn it off, nor change the station. The hours pass as you wait to be rescued…what would you pray you wouldn’t be stuck listening to?

The Top 100 Club HItZ Followed By The Top 100 Nu-Metal Ballads And The Guitar Tech From Tool Talking About The Meaning Of Life.

24) Find the error in the following sentences:

Whose kangaroo is it who’s pounding Sylvester?

It’s time to go and see Mildred’s famous pony with its colorful wagon full of apples, plums and bananas.

There are some people standing over there by their car.

You’re sure that those are your pants?

Oh, I don’t know! I can, however, assure you that those are not my pants. Or, more specifically, they used to be my pants but now they are a small rectangular rag used to wash my car and I wish you’d take them off and put on something more appropriate because this whole situation is immensely disturbing.

25) Train A carrying nuclear waste from a power plant to the Nevada desert leaves Station B at 3 AM, traveling at 180 km/hr. Assuming that the distance it must travel is 1600 miles, how long will it take for:
a) a crowd of protesters to lie down on the tracks, tempting fate to prevent it from arriving at its destination?
b) a group of terrorists to either steal it or blow it up near a metropolitan area?
c) certain politicians, blamed for allowing it, to be voted out of office?

Please show all calculations.

I would prefer to assemble the aforementioned politicians and Jeff Probst in the vicinity of the accident and surround them by 3-metre tall barbed wire concertina. Then they would be voted out one by one, to wander in the desert for all eternity. The real question is, how long would it take for the politicians to get so sick of Probst’s annoying voice and gross safari suits that they start drowning themselves in the nuclear waste and impaling themselves on the barbed wire rather than waiting to be evicted?

26) Speaking of blame, whose fault is the war in Iraq?
a) Saddam Hussein
b) Osama bin Laden
c) Bush & Blair
d) Mine
e) God’s
f) Other: ______________________

d) Yours.

27) On a transcontinental flight, you find yourself seated next to a “chatty Cathy”. You’re very tired, but he/she just isn’t getting the message. You speak to the stewardess to see if you can change seats. She tells you that the only other seats available are:
a) next to a screaming baby;
b) next to a passenger whose girth makes it impossible to sit in just one seat;
c) right in the very middle seat, surrounded by a group of people whose religion prohibits bathing;
d) with a group of 8th graders on their first class trip.

What do you do?

Oh, that’s easy. I’d simply start doing my best impersonation of Special Ed from “Crank Yankers”. “I’m gonna go to Hawaii! I’m gonna go to Hawaii! Yaaay! Yaaaaaaaay!!”
That ought to shut my overly-verbose fellow traveller’s trap for a while. But if Ed doesn’t work, I’d pretend to be collecting for charity. Soon it would be them that was clutching at the stewardess’s skirt begging tearfully to be moved next to the eighth-graders or the lardo.

28) Can you identify the following quote:
“You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The first is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but the second, and only slightly less well known, is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!”


(for extra credit, give us another…)


29)True or False: If I weren’t a total Epinions junkie, I wouldn’t have made it this far, much less even dream of answering such annoying questions.

I’m not an Epinions junkie. I am just dreadfully bored and trying to organise my weekend, not very successfully. I’m not addicted, I just like the taste.

OK, There’s my entry. If you want to join, or just to read other entries so you can see what other people’s disgusting habits are and how often they fornicate, then go to .

And while you’re here, I don’t suppose you’d be interested in donating a small contribution to… oh, never mind. “Small Contributions” start at $100 and I doubt you have that much, judging from your way-wrong shoes. Goodnight!

Read all comments (4)

About the Author ID:
Member: Fishbulb
Location: Hundred Mile High City
Reviews written: 27
Trusted by: 8 members
About Me: Being a contestant's cool, but I'd rather be on the panel with the communal buzzer.