Unbiased Reviews by Real People
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Unbiased Reviews by Real People
My plans for world domination continue apace (AQW-O)...Jun 29, 2004 (Updated Feb 3, 2005) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Any Easter Islanders reading this Epinion should most definitely look elsewhere for their Member Messages to the Epinions Community.
In the interests of full disclosure, I believed it prudent to answer the following questions with exactly the amount of respect due them. I believe uncompromising honesty is called for here, and, by golly, that is what you shall receive. Some may call them annoying. I call them liberating. Regardless, the title of the write-off is The Annoying Questions Write-Off, hosted by mothra3, and this is my entry. 1. What is your full name, including middle and maiden names (if applicable)? Real name, or alias? The mild-mannered front I present on Epinions.com is merely a screen for my true persona. In reality I am the head of a secret organization dedicated to the semi-violent overthrow of the government of Easter Island. You can call me Grand Mack-Pimp-Daddy Caligula Toulouse-Baudelaire Van Venderquart. On second thought, don’t call me that. Bob will suffice. 2. Your Social Security number? As Grand Mack-Pimp-Daddy, I am not required to register with any governmental organizations. However, I have voluntarily enrolled myself in Britain’s National Health System, which allows me to gain free medical care. My registration number is “B.” 3. Credit Card number including expiration date? Our secret society has its own credit union, and uses only cashier’s checks for purchases over $2.50. 4. Sex? If so, how often? Our secret society does not indulge in… oh, hell… yes it does. How often is none of your business. Well, if you insist. Sex is encouraged on Thursdays and Saturdays between the hours of 11:30 in the morning and 3 pm. 5. Who is the most annoying member here at Epinions? I think it’s a tie. A 35-way tie. To tell the truth, everyone who writes book reviews should be hung, drawn, and eighthed. Same goes for people who only write Writers’ Corner pieces. Poetry and editorials have no place on a serious consumer website like Epinions.com, and those who indulge in such frivolous behaviour should be banished to a 3-square-mile island in the Bering Strait. 6. If you could give everyone at Epinions one piece of advice, what would it be? Trust me. I promise once I rule Easter Island I shall allow you a square foot or two in which to vacation. 7. If there were a button in the opinion ratings that said “helpful, but unreadable; please check for errors and resubmit”, would you use it? Yes, mainly because my dictatorship of the aforementioned land mass will be a benevolent one, unless you use poor grammar and neglect the spellcheck function on your word processor. I would also like a button that’s a bit more blunt. Perhaps a “WHY DID YOU WASTE MY FRIGGIN’ TIME WITH THIS CRAP. I HAD BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH THAT 45 SECONDS THAN READ YOUR INANE RAMBLINGS!” button. 8. If you could invent your own such button, what would it say? Um… see above. 13) If you could go back in time, what era would you visit and why? I believe this would be the medieval period, during which I would leverage my knowledge of physics, chemistry, and mathematics into world domination. I would then proceed to build a Solomon-style harem, replete with several hundred concubines. The risk of sexually transmitted diseases I would mitigate by way of several hundred crates of condoms and penicillin shots. Also, a goodly supply of hospital gloves wouldn’t go amiss. I would, of course, invite Doc along for the ride, along with Mack Daddy Hags' Stable. After all, a man needs companionship. 14. (ok, think Eighties here:) The news comes in that Nuclear Annhilation is at hand. You’ve got one minute to get to your backyard fallout shelter. What three things do you grab on the way? Some possible choices: -as much food as you can carry -as much water as you can carry -condoms -a gas mask -a transistor radio -your favorite pillow -your cellular phone and laptop -a good book -some clean underwear -any others??? In all likelihood, I would retire to my stronghold on Easter Island and plan on dominating the world once the fallout had reduced to a survivable level. 17. Yellow and Blue make green, but what do Yellow, Cyan and Magenta make??? Mr. Yellow, Mr. Cyan, and Mr. Magenta are members of my elite assassination squad, which is scattered throughout Easter Island, awaiting my command to strike quickly and semi-lethally against the upper echelons of Easter Island government. We deliberately avoided the Mr. Pink moniker, for reasons better left unsaid. 20. You are interviewing for the job of a lifetime in New York City. The room where you are being interviewed is in the center of the office and is not enclosed, allowing little privacy. When your interviewer steps away for a few moments, you notice more than just a few people “casually” walk past the table where you are seated, their eyes glued on something underneath the table. As they do this, they comment to each other under their breath, even with an occasional snicker. You check your fly, but can’t find anything amiss. When your interviewer returns, you can’t help mentioning this odd parade. He replies unflinchingly that they were doing “shoe check” to see if you had “ the right kind of shoes.” How do you react? a) laugh nervously and gibe that you “hope you passed.” b) walk out in disgust at such childish behavior c) proudly look at your Italian leather shoes and think to yourself, “I was born to work here.” d) leave a stink bomb in their bathroom before departing e) other—please elaborate: I would laugh malevolently, as I am secure in the knowledge that the parade of folk were looking up my kilt, which of course I wore to the interview. You may rest assured that the interview was merely a front for a surreptitious scouting of the centers of power and finance in N.Y.C., a first step in securing my power base in the United States before dominating those poor, foolish Easter Islanders. 22. You return home from vacation to find your home broken into. The first thought that crosses your mind is, “I hope they didn’t get…” what? The secret plans for world domination I keep beneath my pillow. That and the key to my secret dungeon below the basement in which I indulge my more bizarre fetishes (including, but not limited to, baseball card collecting, comic book art, antique video game systems, and raunchy sex). 23. You are in a car accident and the car stereo turns itself to some strange radio station. You are pinned and cannot turn it off, nor change the station. The hours pass as you wait to be rescued…what would you pray you wouldn’t be stuck listening to? The Easter Island version of Gregorian chant. Curse their poorly-constructed harmonies and bland vocal stylings! Curse them, I say! 26. Speaking of blame, whose fault is the war in Iraq? a) Saddam Hussein b) Osama bin Laden c) Bush & Blair d) Mine e) God’s f) Other: ______________________ discuss. I would presume it was (d) Mine. I did have a conversation with Saddam Hussein a year or so ago in which I encouraged him to spam the White House e-mail account with Iraqi phone sex offers. Perhaps that pushed George W. over the edge. 27. On a transcontinental flight, you find yourself seated next to a “chatty Cathy”. You’re very tired, but he/she just isn’t getting the message. You speak to the stewardess to see if you can change seats. She tells you that the only other seats available are: a) next to a screaming baby; b) next to a passenger whose girth makes it impossible to sit in just one seat; c) right in the very middle seat, surrounded by a group of people whose religion prohibits bathing; d) with a group of 8th graders on their first class trip. What do you do? After I punch the “chatty Cathy” in the throat, I quietly inform the stewardess that the person in the seat next to me is choking. Then, while the flight crew performs a useless approximation of the Heimlich maneuver, I will move to one of the seats that a steward or stewardess recently vacated. If they complain to me when they return from attending the chatty bitch, I shall punch them in the throat too. 28) Can you identify the following quote: “You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The first is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but the second, and only slightly less well known, is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!” Only fools would miss this reference to The Princess Bride. I shall build a multiplex showing this film on all 16 screens when I take my rightful place as ruler of Easter Island. (for extra credit, give us another…) “Garçon means boy.” 29. True or False: If I weren’t a total Epinions junkie, I wouldn’t have made it this far, much less even dream of answering such annoying questions. Perhaps the fact that I ignored several of the annoying questions speaks to my lack of Epinions junkie status. Then again, the fact that I answered any of them indicates a certain lack of free time, which I’m sure I could spend plotting world domination if I was more motivated. Curse you, mothra3! Curse you! Grand Mack-Pimp-Daddy Caligula Toulouse-Baudelaire Van Venderquart never ©’s anything.  |
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