Freudian bricks of metaphor, goats and crossed star-lovers
Written: Aug 21 '07 (Updated Aug 23 '07)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: A faithful adaptation of a strong Gaiman story.
Cons: Beowulf sucks.
The Bottom Line: De Niro finally does what he should have done years ago - embraced violent figures not spiritually, but in the touchy-feely sense. Oh, and kids will like it.
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| SpookyMonkey's Full Review: Stardust |
What would your first reaction be to a Neil Gaiman flick considering the current state of his movie career? Would you be excited, based upon the Labyrinthian romp Mirrormask was given? Would you shake your head dumbly while you mutter 'Uhh, who's Neil Gaiman?' in between bites of your Po' Boy sandwich at the truck stop you work at? Or would you be afraid due to the recent previews of Beowulf that have been released?
The below is a transcript stolen from a production meeting on the film Beowulf:
PR man: So we've rounded out a cast of Hollywood powerhouses. We've managed to get the greatest of the great.
Gaiman: Fantastic. Such as?
PR man: We've got Angelina Jolie and Robin Wright Penn. That way, we can get every red-blooded male and some of the red-blooded females with sexual ambiguity to come and watch them in various stages of undress.
Gaiman: A smart move. Let's not forget their acting 'credentials'.
PR Man: Yes, 'credentials'. We've also snagged Anthony Hopkins and John Malkovich, both renown for the vast range of their acting scales. Their filmography reads like a list of the top movies of all time peppered with Award nominations.
Gaiman: Again, fantastic.
PR Man: We've also got Ray Winstone, who's come into the public eye recently with his work in King Arthur, The Departed and the Proposition.
Gaiman: Great, that'll provide the film with some relevance to the younger demographic. It even captures the Australian market. Big money there. Everyone will recognize a familiar face.
PR Man: Yes. But now we've got a big surprise for you. This next step is going to put them over the edge and make this a blockbuster.
Gaiman: Yes?
PR Man: We're going to make the entire movie CGI!
Gaiman: .....
PR Man: CGI! Computer animated! It'll be like a giant cartoon!
Gaiman: Then what's the point of getting such a huge and expensive cast if the characters won't look anything like the people that are portraying them?
PR Man: Oh, don't worry - we're going to paint OVER the characters and make them look just like the actors themselves! Just like in that Tom Hanks movie The Polar Express!
Gaiman:...so you're going to take cinematic advice from a guy that spent two hours in a movie talking to a ball?
PR Man: No, no. This gives us huge opportunities!
Gaiman: To what? Remove all facial expression from actors that have made their careers from having infinite depth and skill? Make recognizable characters unrecognizable and robotic? Suck emotion right out of a flick that is supposed to be emotional and dramatic?
PR Man: Our technology can increase bust sizes by nearly two cups.
Gaiman: Oh well, carry on then.
If you picked the third option, you're with me. But I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the film anyway because I'm a hetero Gaiman fanboi and I'll throw him a few bucks to amuse me.
Beowulf aside, the movie was exactly the way Gaiman epics should be treated. Atmospheric, violent and at the same time, soft and naive. The magic inherent in all his stories comes to life with vibrancy and brilliance, thanks to stunning special effects and adherence to all the quirks of the original story. The underlying gloominess of his novels is kept intact in order to realize the scope of what Gaiman's stories try to convey - epic struggles about the nature of the universe fought under the noses of Joe Everyday who remains oblivious. People die gruesomely and without mercy. The laws of nature are thrown out the window and not given further notice. Basically, all the things that happen in a child's imagination.
Claire Danes, who I have not intentionally ignored in recent years, comes back into the eye playing a 'fallen star' and a symbol of everyone's desire. Michelle Pfeiffer has somehow employed a contract with higher aboves and the use of seven paint rollers of foundation to still look hotter than most women her age and provide the twisted Catwoman vileness that I enjoyed so much in the 90's. Charlie Cox manages to charm everyone with that dopey grin that Gaiman characters like Fat Charlie Nancy and actors like Breckin Meyer have done before him.
Then there's Robert De Niro in his finest acting role to date - a pirate. Not just any pirate mind you, but a pirate stolen from the finer points of Liberace's biography. Truly a spectacle. He should win awards for this. Every award. A Pullitzer, even. Maybe a Nobel prize. A Nobel Prize for awesomeness.
The movie itself seems catered to the younger audience, considering Hollywood's current trend of remaking anything that might have the taint of Harry Potter in it (including the Spiderwick series, a preview shown before the film), but the story is far more adult. Not only is the graphic dialogue employed by Gaiman kept intact, but physical humor is employed to a great degree as well. A boy becomes a goat. Then he becomes a girl. Then he becomes transfixed by his breasts. A goat becomes a man and, well, stays that way. He eats bar cloths and bleats a lot. Sort of like a girl I dated once.
I may have devoted most of this review to voicing my distaste for my treatment of Beowulf, but that's only because I have no criticisms of the film. As evidenced by my fart joke enjoyment, I'm a kid at heart. Sometimes, I'd rather not think about over/under ratios and payroll figures and remember those days when I could watch the Dark Crystal and make Skeksis noises at my parents who would then ground me for making fun of old people.
If you like Gaiman, reliving the thrill of young fantasy flicks or Robert De Niro in a bustier, then this film is for you.
Recommended:
Yes
Viewing Method: Studio Screening/Premiere
Film Completeness: Looked complete to me.
Worst Part of this Film: Nothing
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SpookyMonkey
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Location: Gulf Shores, AL
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Spookymonkey - Occam's Gillette Mach 3 Turbo.
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