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Re: Re: Re: Chapter 2 thoughts... (Reply to this comment)
by captaind
"P.S. Are you going to resume your Narnia series at some point? I really loved reading what you thought of them. No pressure, just whenever you want to. " - yep.... when I can find the last 4 books at a reasonable price...!!
CaptainStillLooking
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Jul 28 '04
3:36 pm PDT
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Re: Re: Chapter 2 thoughts... (Reply to this comment)
by dizzybint
Oh Dave, you are so sweet.
major failings within the narrative
You know, I honestly feel very inadequate giving you suggestions since I could never even come up with an idea such as you did, let alone develop it. Therefore, don't you dare diminish your writing in any way whatsoever. I knew from the very first time I read something of yours that you have talent my friend, so believe in yourself as I believe in you (oh my, I sound as if I should be starring in The Wiz now.) I also see the need to be very demanding of yourself, as I am too, I just want you to know my comments are there because you asked for them and I think highly enough of you to follow through on your request with honesty. You're always so good natured about my affectionate teasing so it's the least I can do.
MINE true identity is deliberately kept rather vague
Then you succeeded there! Congratulate yourself!
(One editor who looked at this years ago described it as "juvenile James Bond" material!)
Pah! What the hell does he know anyway?!?!?!? You have a guaranteed multiple buyer here WHEN you publish.
I actually thought I could write well back then
You did and you do! Dammit!
Caroline x
P.S. Are you going to resume your Narnia series at some point? I really loved reading what you thought of them. No pressure, just whenever you want to.
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Jul 27 '04
8:55 pm PDT
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Re: Chapter 2 thoughts... (Reply to this comment)
by captaind
Hey Caroline!
Many thanks for your comments, I really appreciate them. With the exception of the identity of MINE, your points are indeed all major failings within the narrative, though the good thing is that the questioning of morality will be a great opportunity to develop the characterisation. And you're right, they agree far too easliy. (One editor who looked at this years ago described it as "juvenile James Bond" material!)
MINE true identity is deliberately kept rather vague at this stage of the story for a sense of mystery - I don't want to tell the reader too much about who the main players are too near the start of the book. But it's something I'll look at.
Re: repetition of words... oh boy, what was I thinking?!?!? I actually thought I could write well back then, but looking at it now... urg!
Thanks again,
CaptainD
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Jul 27 '04
3:09 pm PDT
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Chapter 2 thoughts... (Reply to this comment)
by dizzybint
Hi Dave,
I just finished reading from the very beginning so I would get a sense of continuity in the series. I'm hoping to have time to do that with each successive chapter. Another great job and, as promised, I wanted to give you my thoughts.
The four men seem to agree very quickly to go along with the project and that seemed a little impausible without them demanding some proof of who they are really working for. Perhaps they are simply biding their time to scope out the situation but I didn't get that impression.
I wasn't clear on what exactly MINE was, other than that it's some sort of industrial company with possible criminal activities. I read those few paragraphs a couple of times trying to gain a better understanding. I imagine that will be expanded upon more fully as the novel progresses.
As you mentioned in the Prologue, I'd like to see more character development, since at this point I really don't connect with anyone in the story yet. I also wondered why none of the four had questions of the morality involved. Kidnapping and attempting mind control, even though for the greater good of the world, raises 'ends justifying the means' arguments. I can see where characters would at least question that within themselves and whether they could morally be involved in such a project. However, that could also be considered predictable and formulaic I suppose.
I know you're going to edit for grammer, etc later so the only thing I'd point out is there seemed to be a bit too much word repetition within sentences and paragraphs.
The story is very interesting and intriguing so keep em coming Dave, I'm definitely enjoying the series. I could never attempt something like this and you're doing an excellent job. I'm looking forward to my signed copy already!
Caroline x
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Jul 27 '04
11:54 am PDT
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