My significant otherperson, her people are from a place call Bihar. She says it's the Arkansas of India, which she says makes her "brown trash." That suits me just fine, seeing as my people are from Latvia, the Arkansas of the old Soviet Union, which probably made my people something less than Red trash. Reno, Nevada? I think we all know which kinda trash hangs out there.

So Brown Trash Girl, she has a lot of interesting observations, like about Reno, of which she says: "It's just like Las Vegas, except a little bit shittier in every way." And it's true, that. Sort of. It's actually a lot shittier. But that's okay, because a lot shittier than Las Vegas is a far sight better'n most places, as far as I'm concerned.

For instance, Reno, Nevada is a lot better than Lodi, California, which is where she took me the day before we went to Reno, so that I could attend her ex-boyfriend's wedding ... in a suit ... outdoors ... in 96 degree weather ... on 4 hours sleep ... with a hangover. And if I'm to be believed in my forthcoming review of Lodi, California, the place is almost exactly just like almost every suburban place I've ever been.

Think about that: In the iconography of American rock music, as interpreted by Credence Clearwater Revival, Lodi is the worst place you could be. By singing "Stuck in Lodi Again" CCR had to pick out a place that you just knew, without ever having been there, was, well, a really crappy place to get stuck. And yet, here I am saying it's almost exactly just like where you probably live. So sing it with me: OH LORD, STUCK IN [YOUR HOME TOWN HERE] AGAIN.

And as I say, Reno, while shittier than Vegas, is better than a lot of places, if only because they have Poker and all-you-can-eat buffets. But also, they have Styx (without Denis DeYoung), and Chicago (without Peter Cetera) and Huey Lewis & the News (with Huey) and Asbury Park, a Bruce Springsteen cover band, and the American Pro Bowling Stadium, and in August, a thing called "Bullnanza", and in nearby Sparks, Nevada, they have whorehouses where you can have real live sex with fake live porn stars. But you gotta go to Sparks for that, and Sparks, I imagine, is infinitely shittier than Reno.

The Hotel: Only a Little Shittier Than The Golden Nugget

We stayed in a place called the Silver Legacy Hotel, which some people say is the best hotel in Reno. I liked it just fine, even though it was $99.00 a night, which seems like a lot to me for a room in a casino town. I usually pay about $59.00 to stay at the Golden Nugget in Vegas. And the Nugget has palatial rooms and nice size marble bathrooms and hangars that come off the rod and oatmeal soap. But part of the thing was, it was a holiday weekend, so maybe it's not so bad. Normally, you can get a room for $49.00, and for that price, it's a damn fine room.

A little tip here: If you go there, you should tell the front desk clerk that you've never stayed at the hotel before, especially if you haven't. We did, and they gave us a great corner room on the 20th floor that had a view of the mountains and people in the swimming pool and whatnot. So it was pretty nice, except for the people in the swimming pool.

The Silver Legacy does not have hangars that come off the rods, which is a big peeve of mine. I hate it when a place just assumes you're gonna steal their stuff. And also, when the towels aren't good enough to steal, which the Silver Legacy's aren't.

Nor is it really worth stealing shampoo and soap and conditioner from the maid-cart at the Silver Legacy. They've got some funky hygiene materials there, almost all of which appear to have been designed by my sister in 1978, in that the shampoo smells like Hello Kitty bubble-gum lip-gloss, and the soap smells like cinnamon Dentyne.

Another bad thing about the Silver Legacy is that the television only gets about 5 channels, and as far as I could tell, none of them were pay-per-view porn.

But there are some good things about the Silver Legacy also. One of those good things is that the bed is a legitimate guyjantic king with acceptable, though not remarkable, linens.

Another good thing is that the room service menu is actually pretty reasonable, in comparison to most hotels, and the food wasn't half bad. We ordered a bacon-cheese-ortega-chili hamburger with fries, eggs, bacon and hash browns and an order of cottage cheese, and with tax and tip it was like 22 bucks. I think that's okay.

You can also get a bottle of Krystal for only $550.00.

So that's pretty much the room for you.

The rest of the place was similarly pretty great as well as a little shittier than comparable places in Las Vegas. For instance, they have a casino, which is always pretty great. Like the Golden Nugget, this casino does not have a poker room. Also like the Golden Nugget, this casino is right next door to a place that does have a poker room (Circus-Circus). Unlike the Golden Nugget, the place next door with the poker room has actual people that I stand better than a snowball's chance in hell of taking money from. And while I enjoyed fleecing the Utahns, one old guy habitually picked his nose, which is a particularly gross thing to do when you're all touching the same cards and chips and all.

In any case, the casino at Silver Legacy has all the other good stuff you want a casino to have, and since they actually share the casino room with the hotel next store (the El Dorado) they have about twice as much of that good stuff as the rest of the places in town. Except craps tables. Weren't enough of those.

So in many ways, the casino, too, was just like the casinos in Las Vegas, except for the few things that made it, yes, a little bit shittier. For instance, I understand that all casinos, as a matter of policy, make it hard to find your way around. Specifically, they try to make it hard for you to get out, because the more you walk around inside the better the chances that you'll drop one more dollar in a slot machine. The Silver Legacy/El Dorado casino implementation of this policy is absurd and brilliant. With its split levels and half walls that block any views of natural light, and incredibly narrow aisles, and labyrinthine constructions of slot banks, you're likely to feel like you're inside a game of pac-man if you dare to attempt escape.

The Restaurants: Hardly shitty at All

The Silver Legacy slash El Dorado has your standard slew of places to eat too, and some of ‘em ain't half bad. Among the ain't half-baddest places we tried while we were there was a big brew-pub called Brew Brothers, which is technically part of the El Dorado, not the Silver Legacy, but who can tell the difference. They make 8 beers on the premises. I tried the IPA, which was nice and hoppy, but BTG said it made her tongue numb, which I'm guessing is not an appropriate side effect. I had nachos, because, well nachos are God's most perfect food, and they were pretty good. BTG had a pizza with cambazola cheese and caramelized onions and something else. Her pizza was truly excellent, even though the onions were just cooked, not caramelized.

The Silver Legacy and El Dorado also had all the coffee shops and buffet places where people line up for an hour and a half for their comped $5.95 value meal. But I've learned better than to eat at such places.

They also have a little food court place where you can get pretty decent coffee (but no pre-chilled iced coffee without the ice, which makes me hate them) and truly spectacular looking pastries and cakes.

One of the nice things about the dozen or so places shared by the El Dorado and Silver Legacy is that both places will let you sign off on your meal with your hotel room number, regardless of witch place you're staying at.

Conclusion

The Silver Legacy is not one of the finer hotels you are likely to stay at, and if it's the best hotel in Reno, I feel truly sorry for anyone who stays someplace else. But at $49.00 or so, they provide an attractive room and good service at a rate that's comparable to a truly mediocre hotel in any other town. If I ever had reason to go back to Reno, I'd stay at the Silver Legacy again.

http://www.silverlegacyreno.com/







Recommended: Yes