A Nice Try

Unfortunately he doesn't so much use the scripture relating to dating as he does that applying to brother-sister relations within the church body, which can leave a novice reader splendidly confused. Specifically, lessons from Esther, Ruth, and the Song of Solomon are ignored entirely. These would be too long to delve into here, but you may read them at www.n7nz.org . I write from the perspective of someone who was actually there at the coffeehouse scene where Josh's dad and mom first met, which had a profound effect on his writing this book. The other effect on his writing was from some negative experiences he had in high school, which I don't think a whole book should be based on.

It is regrettable that the age group this book addresses is one that hasn't fully familiarized themselves with the Bible as a whole, and by the time they will have done so, it may be too late to undo the damage.

I've been asked to elaborate on some of what I've said, so here goes: I'm of the opinion that often men "marry their moms." They like the girl their dad picked. Joshua's mom was jaded by Christian men coming up to her with their revelation that she was to be their wife. God told Josh's dad not to call her up which he was about to do. This restraint impressed her, and eventually they did marry and have Josh. It figures that their son might want a girl not got through the regular dating mode.

In my case my dad asked my mom to a dance when she was engaged to another man. Her friends dared her, she accepted, they fell in love, then married and had me. I tend to go for girls who already have a boyfriend or serious love interest. I've had some memorable dates with some I've asked out, but I should mention that I've had an awful lot of rejection from this approach. It might not be for everyone. Then I'm a salesman. I get lots of rejection. I'm used to it. I can take it. Most people would probably change their approach after a certain number of refusals.

Similarly, Joshua Harris being a pastor would normally acquire a certain amount of admiration from the women in the congregation or his circle. They can admire his leadership. Even if he has a quirky approach, he can still make progress. What might work for a pastor or a salesman might be problematic for most people.

Joshua Harris had some negative experiences with dating in high school. It caused him to regard dating as worldly.

The big problem is he can't find the word date--as we use it here--in his concordance. That doesn't mean it's not in the Bible, just not named as such. He hasn't got that figured out.

In the Garden of Eden we see the norm of a man leaving father and mother to cleave to his woman, eventually getting married. This is a biblical description of "going out." In Esther the king met a variety of prospective mates but didn't follow up unless "the king delighted in her and that she were called by name." (KJV) In other words he made dates with the women he liked before marrying the one he loved best. In Ruth we see there is a set place for serious negotiation: the gate in the presence of the elders. What serves that function today is the date. in Song of Solomon we seed a mother having instructed a woman returning from a date on the arm of her man, all lovey-dovey with him and yet acceptable behavior.

None of this is delved into in this book by Joshua Harris, but he uses exhortations on how to relate to each other in the church etc. and extrapolates to courting. This can baffle someone trying to approach courtship from a scriptural perspective. I elaborate further on these issues at www.n7nz.org

A look at how Joshua Harris regards the wedding ceremony itself will speak volumes about his courtship approach in I Kissed Dating Goodbye. You know how the minister says, "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." The kiss is symbolic of permission to do what needs to be done to make babies. Now that they are married, they're allowed to do it. Well, Joshua takes it literally, that this kiss at the pronouncement is the first time a couple is permitted to kiss. I kid you not. This in the name of purity.

This is nothing but asceticism rearing its ugly head again. It was hotly debated in the early church and settled in one verse: (Hebrews 13:4) "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but [censored] and adulterers God will judge." Yes, granted, the fornication that has been known to occur on dates is subject to God's judgement, but the "all" of marriage that is honorable includes the dating that ultimately prepares one for it, and if the marriage bed is clean, then so is the couch the dating couple sit on to kiss and such.

Desmond Morris's study of human behavior in Manwatching notes that the goodnight-kiss ritual is a "set social convention." One of the factors to determine in sizing up a potential mate is whether there will be physical compatibility, responsiveness. Having a set social convention gives one a benchmark. If I can't manage to swing a goodbye kiss at the end of that first date, there isn't going to be any second date, to say nothing of marriage.

Please bear with me here. It's hard for me to summarize Joshua's whole approach because I am a logical person and it defies logic. He saw and experienced some substandard behavior on dates in high school. He read in the New Testament epistles the high standards for (church) body life. He failed to find anything relating to dating per se in his Bible. This last was probably because he was too young to have familiarized himself with the whole book, but he took a shortcut by using modern translations that are supposed to put the Bible into language we understand but here didn't because of the ineptness of the translators. (Note, I use the reliable King James Version which is easy enough to understand if one but bothers to familiarize himself with it.) He added some old traditions, a bit of old custom, some scripture out of context, a little imagination, and presto! a new approach that doesn't involve dating as such.

Near as I can figure, because girls behave better in church than they do with their dates, he wants to observe them in church and such to see if he finds an acceptable one. I told you it didn't make sense. Many people show one face in public—in a church setting especially—and quite another one with their spouse or their family. A better way to tell how a person will behave with you alone is to go out with her, get away from father and mother, see how it goes with you two alone. Maybe that's just me, but oh, I don't think so.

His second emphasis is on recommendations from family and friends. Is that important? Yes, but I'd still want to date the recommended one before making a lifelong commitment. Have I ever followed up on a recommendation? Well, yes. Have I ever dropped someone none of my friends liked? Yes, that too. But if what they say is correct, then I'm sure to see it if I date the person; it just helps me know what to look for. I don't use it as a substitute for dating. If I end up marrying, I'm the one who has to live with her, not my friends. I'm not prepared to chuck out dating as that book recommends.

There is a very good two-line summary of this book's approach in The Shelton Brothers' 1930s version of the song "Just Because" written by Hubert Nelson and James Touchstone. It's about a girl who cruelly dumps a guy: He complains that she made him get rid of all his girlfriends, and then she started referring to him as "Mr. Saint Paul." Joshua Harris would have one drop all his girlfriends/boyfriends, not because he is, like, getting married soon, but so he can live a life devoted to God undistracted by the opposite sex as did the apostle Paul. Paul said, (I Cor. 7:7a,1b) "I would that all men were even as I myself. It is good for a man not to touch a woman." That is what that author would have one do after cutting dating out of his life.

Paul does qualify his statements, though, by saying that marriage is permitted if one doesn't have the special gift to remain celibate all his life. (Vs. 2-3) "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render due benevolence unto the wife, and likewise also the wife unto her husband." A good place to see how that's tied into the courtship stages is in the movie Hairspray. In it Tracy—a rotund little Pollyanna-and-a-half—has developed a crush on a dancer named Link. After accidentally bumping into him at dance practice, she gets all ga-ga over him. She launches into a musical number in which she describes her hopes:
Round 1 He asks her for a date.
Round 2 She tries not to be late.
Round 3 They kiss in the car. She won't go all the way, but she'll go pretty far.
Round 4 He'll ask her for her hand.

There's a general picture here of something being reserved for marriage, but the sequence starts with the touch—that Paul recommends against for his own lifestyle—and progresses by stages. Joshua Harris would have us leave out all the boyfriend-girlfriend stuff and then follow in the steps of Paul. There not being some expected jump into marriage, a lot of people will be disappointed like the guy in the country song. Paul specifically criticises Christians who tolerate too much from their teachers: (II Cor. 11:20) "For ye suffer, if a man ... take of you ..." We don't think a guy is treated right when his girl makes him leave all his girlfriends and then treats him like the ascetic apostle Paul. Why should we think we're being treated right when a minister does the same?

The Bible doesn't make us give up dating. I don't insist on it. If there is something not covered here you have a question on still, you might find it in my longer review at www.n7nz.org

Recommended:
No