Sue. Via Hugh. (the filter of Hugh w/o) Sep 01 '04    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Books Mildred D. Taylor - Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry: A Literature Unit From $8 Olivier Dunrea - Ollie From $7 The Bottom Line If Alanis Morissette was playing at your house, would you dance in your chair? I’ve not indulged in a survey write off in a while now (or maybe I have, I forget). Why is that? Because I’m an open book. You all know every last thing there is to know about me, so what else could I possibly divulge? Okay, that’s a total lie, but I have never, not even once, divulged anything at all interesting about myself. Which would be a potent argument for me to stay away from these surveys altogether. But I can’t let that stop me – oh, no. Because Hugh asked me to be in this write off. And I’m not going to say no to Hugh, now am I? No, I am not. Do be forewarned that each of these answers passed through Hugh’s “filter” – and if that doesn’t scare you away nothing will. 1) Who do you think you are? I think I’m Queen Sue, Empress of the World. If you tell me otherwise, I’ll have you flogged. Stop looking at me like that. 2) What does it mean when you say "I'm not myself today"; Who are you then? I am Hugh. I will award 10 SuePoints for the first person who correctly identifies this reference without resorting to a Google search. 3) Can you burp the entire English Alphabet? Give me a break. I can barely remember the entire English alphabet. If I tried to burp it I’d barf. 4) Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Because the women’s underwear industry is nothing but a pawn for the devil. Not only do they torture us with their lethal undergarments, they can’t even be made to follow reasonable grammatical rules. Sheesh. 5) What are you wearing right now? A well tended crop of summer freckles and a fake tan. 6) What's for dinner tonight? Veggie hot dogs and vegetarian baked beans. I’m dead serious. And slightly nauseated. 7) What happens if you put the "This side up" side face down while popping microwave popcorn? Simple. Anti-matter is formed and has to be jettisoned to prevent a total collapse of the warp core. 8) Have you ever snooped in somebody else's medicine cabinet? I have not. This is actually a true answer. For all of my bad behavior, I’m not a snoop. Well, I’m nosy, but I’m not a snoop. If I have a burning need to know if you have any fungal ointment, I’ll ask. 9) If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? Yes, and then taken to Hell’s Chop Shop, where your demon is dismantled and sold for parts. 10) How much lint do you usually find in your navel? I refuse to acknowledge the existence of my navel. We haven’t been on speaking terms since it betrayed me by getting pierced without my permission. It’s grounded for life and has painted the walls of its room black. 11) If you had a metal plate in your head, would you worry about rusting? I believe I would be more concerned about the effect it might have on my ability to use my thoughts to control the actions of others. Would it be a barrier or a conduit? Perhaps a worthy experiment…… 12) Can you blow up a balloon under water? No. But I can do 1000 meters of the breaststroke. I’ve been told that this is bad for my knees. 13) You're not going to eat THAT, are you? I have to. It’s the final test of sorority rush week and I just have to get pledged to a good house, or what use is college at all?!?!? 14) If you were on an airplane, and said Hi to a friend whose name is Jack, what would happen to you? I would get my picture in The Onion under a huge caption saying “Dumbest Person Alive Finally Located!” 15) Have you ever called someone on the phone, and just as they answered, you realize you forgot who you are calling? Never. I have a memory like a steel…….what was the question? Where is my walker? Did you take my hearing aid? Get me some Jell-O! 16) How old were you when you learned to tie your shoes? Old enough to know better, sonny! I have no idea what that means. I’m channeling Hugh, ask him. 17) Do you ever find your nose whistling when you're at an extremely formal dinner? I’m sorry. Formal dinner? Is that one where you sit at the table instead of eating off the children’s plates at the sink? Then no. Because I only eat the sink kind of dinner. And I can’t hear my nose over the din of the other heathens doing the same. 18) Don't you find it weird that we teach our kids the rhyme "Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub"? Only because we don’t have a tub big enough for three men. 19) Can you burp and fart at the same time? Can’t everyone? No? Then me either. Ahem. 20) What are those little things on the end of your shoelaces called? “Little Pieces Of Crap That Fail And Then Let The Laces Get All Frayed And Cruddy When The Child Wearing The Shoes Refuses To Tie Them And Walks All Over The Idiot Things” Or LPOCTFATLTLGAFACWTCWTSRTTTAWAOTIT. Everybody loves an acronym! Thank you, Hugh, for allowing me to pass these fascinating factoids through your filter and disseminate them to all these unsuspecting, trusting, good people who did nothing to deserve this punishment. If you feel violated by this blatant abuse of your valuable reading time, direct all complaints here. But I’ll warn you, he has a really powerful filter.

Read all comments (49)|Write your own comment

Write an essay on this topic.