Epinions Match Game 2004, Episode Five
Sep 25 '04
The Bottom Line The bottom line realizes that it's just a dumb joke told by DavidMac.
The real Match Game (long cancelled of course):
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/matchgame/main.html
http://www.freewebs.com/matchgame/index.html
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Match Game 1- http://www.epinions.com/content_3500318852
Match Game 2 -http://www.epinions.com/content_3531907204
Match Game 3 -http://www.epinions.com/content_3606225028
Match Game 4 - http://www.epinions.com/content_3842220164
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Get ready to match the stars!
LoisLane05
Brett Somers
Charles Nelson Reilly
dizzybint
Richard Dawson
and Fannie Flagg.......
as we all play the star-studded big money Epinions Match Game 2004
And here’s the star of Epinions Match Game 2004, Gene Rayburn!
GENE
Hello, stars! Is everyone ready to play today?
CHARLES (smoking on his pipe)
You said that thirty minutes ago when we taped Monday’s episode!
GENE
Okay, then, is everyone ready to play right now??
The panel moans. Then somebody walks over to Charles and rudely takes the pipe out of his mouth, provoking Charles to look at the young man in shock.
MAN
You can’t smoke that on the set, dude
CHARLES
Why not??
MAN
It’s against CBS policy, don’t you know?
CHARLES (aghast)
It’s against CBS policy?
BRETT
Don’t mind Charles, he’s just getting senile in his old age!
CHARLES
Who’s gonna have something to say about it if I smoke??
MAN
You know what the FCC said about nipples. They may start cracking down on tobacco next, ya never know! And I don’t want to lose my job; I gotta pay my way through law school. (walks away with the pipe)
CHARLES
You know what he’s going to do? He’s going to go out to the parking lot and smoke it himself.
GENE (laughing)
Really?
CHARLES
But I’ve got bad news for him! That really is tobacco in that pipe!!
RICHARD
Yea, it’s Bob Barker who’s smoking that funny stuff!
BRETT
That’s why he’s still going strong! Unlike this pasty, toupee-wearing slob sitting beside me!
CHARLES
We all can tell that Brett’s taking something to keep her going!
BRETT
I think that the FCC ought to look at Fannie Flagg down there, and her big buzz-zooms!!
FANNIE
Hey, at least I don’t have to worry about a wardrobe malfunction. This sweater is made of steel!
RICHARD (playfully)
Damn! And I was gonna have you naked by the end of this game!
FANNIE (sarcastic)
Ha ha! You’re funny!
GENE
We’d like to thank LoisLane05 on our panel this afternoon as well.... so far, she’s the only one who ever won any money on this new edition of Match Game!
LOISLANE05 (happily)
And this is the grand prize!!
BRETT (apologetic)
I’m very sorry, my darling, I really am!!
LOISLANE05
Hey, this is terrific.... beats having to file twelve-thousand books in alphabetical order!!
RICHARD
So you’re a reader, are you, dear?
LOISLANE05
Yes, yes I am.....
RICHARD
You’ve got no place on television, then.
(laughter)
GENE
And we also have dizzybint, an Epinions member from Canada!
DIZZYBINT
Why, hello there, Gene.
RICHARD
That accent..... you’re originally from England! Another ex-pat like myself! I’m so touched to have you on our show.....
GENE
Now, now, Richard... we don’t want another Sue situation here!
RICHARD
I understand...... my hands are tied behind my back!
GENE
..... as per new CBS policy, again! Well, we’ve got to meet our two civilians today and here they are! Okay, Contestant Number 1, tell us a little bit about yourself.......
CONTESTANT NO.1 (jumpy, smiling)
You can call me “Mr. Wendy”!
GENE
Mr. Wendy! So what do you do exactly?
MR. WENDY (still jumpy and smiling)
Well, basically what I do is promote the wonderful Wendy’s chain..... unofficially, of course! Here, try a baked potato and a Frosty for desert. Only a dollar thirty-nine each, but for you, it’s on the house! I can do that, because I’m unofficial!
GENE (looking around)
I don’t think you’re supposed to have food on the set! The FCC is cracking down on all the deadly sins now!
MR. WENDY
Ah, I’m sure it’s all right. Brett’s got her club soda.
(Brett, startled, quickly knocks her drink away from her, spilling all over Richard’s head)
BRETT
No, I don’t... I don’t have any club soda! Michael Powell, as you can see I have no alcoholic beverages on my person!
RICHARD (sardonically)
No, she doesn’t... but I do........
GENE
Okay, and now who are you, contestant number two?
CONTESTANT NO.2
My name is Mary Ellen, from Illinois.
GENE
Hello, Mary, and what do you do?
MARY
I wait and wait for you to give me my rightfully earned money!
GENE (smirking)
Well, you’re going to have to win the game before I can do that.
MARY
But... I’ve already played this game before, Mr. Rayburn.
GENE (confused)
Wha.... come again?
MARY
I sat on this very seat back in 1973! And I won ten-thousand dollars!
GENE
Really? (looking around) I guess somebody made a mistake in....
MARY
You bet they did!! I haven’t even seen the money yet!!
GENE (to the audience, smiling nervously)
I think this contestant is just playing with our minds......
WOMAN
No, I’m not. (dips down behind the booth, and produces a number of papers) Look at all these documents. They show absolute proof that I won!
Gene takes the papers from the contestant and reads them aloud.
GENE
Okay...... well, it says here that she was on the August 18th episode of Match Game 73. And that she won ten-thousand dollars by matching Richard Dawson on the Super Match.....
WOMAN
I even have Richard’s card!! (quickly holds it up for everyone to see -- the word “Wife” is written in deep black marker)
RICHARD
That looks like something I’d write, all right!
GENE
..... and the paper continues by saying that she will receive the check in the mail in the next few weeks.
WOMAN
And I’ve only been waiting thirty-one years!
(the audience sighs in sympathy)
RICHARD
Ah, really... that’s too bad.
GENE
Oh, stop it, Richard.... can’t you see she’s just teasing you?
WOMAN
No, really! I called CBS a few weeks later and they told me, yea, yea, yea, your check is in the mail!
GENE
Oh, CBS always says that! I’m still waiting for my royalties for all of my appearances back in the 70’s!
MARY
Well, maybe you and I ought to complain to CBS together.
GENE
Nah, I better not do that now.....
MARY
No, you better not, huh? I bet you’re just going to sugar coat this whole thing, sweep it under the rug......
(the audience boos)
GENE (nervously)
No! No! We’re... we’re not going to do that! I’m going to the executive phone over here..... (walking over to the side of the stage) and I’m going to dial up the president of CBS Entertainment. I’m sure that they’ll be able to verify what’s going on here......
Gene dials the phone. We hear the corporate answering machine.
VOICE
Good afternoon. Thanks for calling the Columbia Broadcasting System. This is the line for the President of CBS Daytime and Prime-time Entertainment.
If you want to complain about an aberrant nipple, press 1 now. If you have a new idea for yet another CSI spin-off, press 2 now. If you think you’re idiotic and narcissistic enough to be on the next series of “Big Brother”, press 3 now. If you’re a decaying game show host who thinks you still have a place in the 21st century of network broadcasting, please press 4 now.....
GENE (presses the button)
Okay.....
The phone rings.
CBS PRESIDENT (annoyed)
What is it now, Bob???
GENE
This is Gene Rayburn, madam......
CBS PRESIDENT
Who?
GENE
You know, Gene Rayburn, host of Match Game.....
CBS PRESIDENT (mumbling)
Christ.... didn’t we cancel that show back in 79.......?
GENE
Hey..... I’ve got this contestant who insists that we haven’t paid her prize money back in 1973. We’ve got the documents here that prove that the money didn’t get to her.......
CBS PRESIDENT (perking up)
Really! Stay right there!! I’ll get my best people on it........
***********
Later, the CBS president is on stage with everyone else, examining the documents........
CBS PRESIDENT
Oooh, yes, these are truly authentic documents! I notice this fine print at the bottom... it’s so small that I need a magnifying glass. Oh, yes.... it says here that “In the event that Mark Goodson and Bill Todman, being the tightasses that they are......”
CHARLES (suspiciously)
“Tightasses”? Wow, those people at the legal department are really choosy with their terminology, aren’t they?
CBS PRESIDENT
“...... neglect to send the appropriate prize winnings to the contestant in due course, CBS is obligated to pay three times the amount......”
MARY
Oh, yes, I forgot all about that!! I’m supposed to get thirty-thousand dollars!!
CBS PRESIDENT (merry)
Well, I’m looking at these documents, and sure enough these are the real deal. I have no doubts in my mind that you are a credible young lady, and sure enough, I can even give you the prize money in cash here right now, seeing as that I’m a rich executive and all.......
(laughs)
... so here’s thirty-thousand dollars in cash! (gives her the money)
MARY
Why, thank you!! Now... I better get going. I’ve got..... I’ve got hip surgery in a couple of hours. Yea, that’s it... hip surgery......
CBS PRESIDENT
Good luck!
CHARLES
Yea, lady, break a leg!!!
MARY (slowly)
Uh... yea, thanks, Charles! (Mary walks away)
CBS PRESIDENT
Well, that was great!! I’ve always heard bad things about Goodson-Todman. A pair of stingy vultures, they were....... taking advantage of people for their own gain. Exploiting people’s vulnerabilities for big ratings. Things that we at CBS do not stand for!! And, now if you excuse me, I’m off to cast the next series of Survivor........ (walks off the set)
GENE (turning towards Mr. Wendy)
Well.... it looks like you’re the only contestant..... but we might as well ask you one question, just so it will look like we played a game here......
MR. WENDY (joyfully)
Great!! I’m sure it will be enjoyable!
GENE
..... you’re always happy, aren’t you?
MR. WENDY
Life is good.... especially with a Frosty. Except when I get an ice-cream headache -- man those hurt! (laughs)
FANNIE
Do you actually have anything in there that can get hurt???
MR. WENDY (laughs)
Ha! You’re very funny, Fannie.... me and my wife just loved Fried Green Tomatoes!!! Well,the movie, not the book..... I’m too busy being the unofficial spokesman to be able to read, except for menus.......
FANNIE
Why thank you! (turning to Brett, and mumbling) I wasn’t trying to be funny.......
GENE
Okay, here’s the question... oh, look, Mr. Wendy! It’s about you!
Mr. Wendy said, if I come home one more time with another combo, my wife’s going to give me a blank!
(panel writes down their answers)
GENE
All right, Mr. Wendy.... if you come home with another combo, your wife’s going to give you a..... what?
Mr. Wendy looks up, pondering the question.
MR. WENDY
Umm...... what would she do? She... she’d give me a napkin, so I won’t make a mess all over my shirt!!
The audience boos.
GENE
Mr. Wendy, you don’t know yourself too well, do you?
MR. WENDY
Why do I need to know myself ... wouldn’t that be kind of lonely?
GENE
I mean to say that you’re not too aware of yourself.
Do you have a lot of friends, sir?
MR. WENDY
Yea, I do....
GENE
I don’t mean the ones that work at Wendy’s.......
MR. WENDY
Neither do I, Gene. I have lots of friends. I visit them every night, just to remind them that you can Eat Great, Even Late!
GENE
He’s a strange man...... he’s the strangest one yet. Anyway, folks, what did you all have?
LOISLANE05
I’m sorry, Mr. Wendy.... I said a divorce.
Mr. Wendy’s face melts into a genuine hurt.
BRETT (mock anger)
Oooo, Lois, that’s harsh. That’s just harsh! (holds up a card saying “divorce” as she continues talking) All I can say is that I feel so bad for dumping Jack Klugman back in the 70’s... he never tried to clog up my arteries with processed beef!!
CHARLES
I said that she gave him a bill for her quadruple-bypass!
DIZZYBINT
I said a divorce...... you really need to spend some time by yourself, and reassess your priorities. It will do you good!
Mr. Wendy appears ready to weep.
RICHARD
I said divorce.... (to the audience) Mrs. Wendy, call me!
FANNIE
Well, I said that she was going to give him a strict vegetarian diet. I must admit, though, Mr. Wendy, you look pretty handsome for someone who eats at a fast food joint every day. What’s your secret??
MR. WENDY (to himself)
I..... I’m a broken man. (puts his head in his hands) I’m such a broken, awful, selfish man. My kids, they’ve never had a father.... all I ever did was spend all my money on Triple Cheeseburgers, Frosties, Salads, Chicken Strips......... money I could have spent on giving them soccer lessons, nice summer vacations.... new clothes. And my wife...... I’ve never laughed with her, had fun with her, for so many...... (turns to the audience) Honey, you don’t want a divorce, do ya..... please say no!!
GENE
Well, I’m genuinely sorry that you lost, Mr. Wendy... but I hope that things turn out better for you, and thanks for being with us on Match Game 2004!!!!
The theme music begins to play, until a middle-aged voice attempts to break through the funky 70’s sound.
GENE
Wait a minute... wait a minute....
A man in casual clothes paces up to the stage.
GENE
Here’s Ira Skutch... he’s our producer, and he also does the role of the judge during the game..... so what’s the problem here!!??
IRA
We’ve got a serious problem.... you know, those so-called documents.....
The CBS president runs onto the set.
CBS PRESIDENT
Hey, this entire network stands behind those documents!!!
IRA
I did a bit of digging on my own... and this is what I found.......
VIDEO:
***************
(a dark room. Two people face each other, Ira and an elderly woman)
IRA
I have here some documents I’d like you to look at. (passes them to the woman, who regards them for a brief time) Did you type up those documents?
WOMAN
No.
IRA
No?
WOMAN
No... I could not have typed up those documents. The date says 1973. I haven’t even worked at CBS since 1968.
****
(another dark room... Ira speaks to a handwriting expert)
IRA
Those signatures on these documents......
EXPERT
All I can tell you is... I can’t prove that these are not authentic... but I can’t prove that they are, either.
IRA
You cannot prove that these are real.......
EXPERT
There’s four different names here..... but the style of handwriting seems awfully similar for each one......
*****
WOMAN
...... I couldn’t type anything with that fancy lettering on the typewriters we used at the time. But then again, CBS used to be owned by a refrigerator company. So every year, the staff room got this shiny new refrigerator from Westinghouse! (sarcastic) But would they spring for a typewriter that was only less than ten years out of date??? No!!!! For Christ sakes, we were still writing memos with quilled pens! The network says that new pens weren’t in the budget, even as they were wheeling in heavy-duty washer and dryers to put into the executive washrooms!
... and you know, sure, I didn’t type those documents. But I would have if I could have. Goodson and Todman really were tightasses!! Every year at the Christmas party, they gave out tickets to their shows as presents!! Tickets that anyone out on the street could pick up for free!!
*******
EXPERT
This writing on Richard Dawson’s card here.... sure, if you stand far enough away, it does look like Dawson’s handwriting. But if you look very closely...... that is not marker ink. If you put it under a microscope, it appears that there are millions of little points, much as what would happen after you printed something from your computer printer. A Hewlett-Packard, perhaps? Somebody may have opened up the paint program on their PC, painted the word “Wife” in much the same way that Richard Dawson would write it out on his card, and printed it off on a card much like the standard answer cards that were used on the show......
IRA
Did you tell this to CBS?
EXPERT
I told them simply that I could not honestly say that Mary Ellen’s evidence was authentic. And I do not want anyone at CBS to say that I did say that. Because I did not.
*******
END VIDEO
IRA
And there’s another thing, that even you should have known, Gene!
GENE (gloomily)
What’s that?
IRA
This document is dated in 1973..... it claims that she won ten-thousand dollars on the Super Match. But we didn’t even give away that much money until 1978! So she was trying to rip the network off of even more money!!
(the audience sighs in amazement)
GENE (embarrassed)
Ohhh....... I see....... I should have known that......
IRA
So basically all of you were duped by false documents.......
GENE
Ah well, it’s not my problem if CBS paid off a lair. CBS has been paying for a lot of mistakes recently! (laughs)
The CBS president looks glum, as she turns to the camera.
CBS PRESIDENT
We here at Match Game 2004 had full confidence in these documents, or else we would not have paid our source. But, in the wake of serious and disturbing questions that came up during this telecast, CBS has no choice but to take a firm stance on this matter.
Based on what we now know, CBS Daytime cannot prove that the documents are authentic, which is the only acceptable...... um, shall we say, cheap game-show standard to justify accepting the document’s contents. We should not have used them. That was a mistake, which we deeply regret.
CBS Daytime are in the process of commissioning an independent review of the process. This is a serious matter, even more serious than pierced nipples!! This is a matter of fairness, and honesty, and transparency.......
So now I’m going to do the only thing. The only proper thing.
(turning to Gene) Gene Rayburn, you’re fired!
(everybody is shocked into silence)
GENE
What the hell are you talking about?
CBS PRESIDENT
I want you off CBS property by four p.m. If you are not gone by then, security will have you thrown out.
GENE
But... but you were the one who said that these were authentic in the first place!!
CBS PRESIDENT
Well, of course I was, you dummy! But do you honestly believe that I, President of CBS Entertainment, would actually resign over this fiasco, after putting in so many years in the network, and actually having the power to shove out any hapless schmuck. Why would I embarrass myself, when I can just fire those who serve me?? Pass the buck, as I always say!
GENE
But I’m Gene Rayburn! Host of the biggest show on your network for ... most of the 1970’s!
CBS PRESIDENT
But you’re dead!! Why do I care?? And when Bob Barker kicks the can there won’t be any more of that game show shit left on this network. After that, it will be the soap operas that will get the axe!! (sounding more crafty, unsettled) Sure, those shows cost us little, but it’s still not cheap enough! I’ve got some ideas for some reality programming during the daytime hours........
CHARLES
Reality shows, eh? Who was that Mary Ellen anyway......?
CBS PRESIDENT (stammers)
Huh? She... she’s just a troublemaker... she was a liar... that’s all......
CHARLES
Are you sure? You must have some info on her..... who does she work for?
CBS PRESIDENT
Who are ya? The Republican National Committee?
CHARLES
Just a guy who remembers when daytime TV was actually interesting, quaint........ fun for the whole family!
BRETT
Oh, look! Charles Nelson Reilly, the family values man!!
CHARLES (to Brett)
And you’re Barbara Bush! We make a great team, don’t we?
BRETT
Yes, we do... (to CBS president) and we don’t want you meddling with our chemistry!
CBS PRESIDENT
That’s it! All of you are fired!!! Fired, fired, fired!!! I don’t want any of you troublemakers.... I want this network to broadcast the democratic truth!! John Kerry for Presid.... err, I mean, Dan Rather is an American hero.... err, I mean, Reality Programming is the wave of the future!!
A voice erupts from off-stage: That’s enough!!
CBS PRESIDENT
Who’s that??
MICHAEL POWELL
It’s me, the chairman of the Federal Communications Commission!! We’re yanking the Columbia Broadcasting System’s right to broadcast! (turns to the camera) Hey, Dad, look at me, I’m on TV!!! Ha ha ha! I’ve always wanted to do that..... I wish he’d think of saying something like that whenever he’s on television..........
CBS PRESIDENT
What!! You can’t shut down CBS!!!!
MICHAEL POWELL
Just watch me!! You’ve already broken so many regulations it’s not funny. Fake documents. Dead game show hosts. Fannie and her buzz-zooms. Drinking on the set. Smoking on the set. Members of a consumer website thinking that they’re ready for prime-time television. A man who promotes artery clogging food and contributes to our obesity problem. This entire program is a federal offense! Everything on your network is a national embarrassment! You’ve got this perverted, partisan agenda that runs like a deviant streaker across this network.... and it’s got to stop!
Powell’s employees begin shutting off cameras, lights, microphones, etc.
MICHAEL POWELL
We’ve already shut down all of your other programs. As soon as we’re finished here, CBS will become nothing but a nice and pretty test pattern.
CBS PRESIDENT
And what will people watch from now on, instead of this great and lustrous network!!??
MICHAEL POWELL
Why, they should watch a truly noble and exceptional network. A godly network, if you will. One that has no agenda, is always fair, is always balanced, that has not a speck of bias. One that never, ever, ever, ever, ever speaks an untruth!
CBS PRESIDENT (scoffs)
You’re foolish! What sort of television network would actually live down to all that crap?
MICHAEL POWELL (smirks)
Why, the Fox News Channel, of course!
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Epinions.com ID:
DavidMac
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Member: David Macdonald
Location: Prince Edward Island
Reviews written: 612
Trusted by: 109 members
About Me:
Alice, a story in nine parts, posted on Sept 24, 2008 - http://www.epinions.com/content_5241348228
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