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Teresa Heinz Kerry's 1040s, In her own words:Oct 13 '04 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Please, vote for my husband, John Kerry!
1040 (Tax Returns) of Teresa H. Kerry PLEASE CONSIDER MY WEALTH AND INTERITANCE LARGESSE WHEN VOTING FOR MY HUSBAND---WHO PAYS ABSOLUTELY NO ATTENTION TO MY FINANCES, AND HAS NO IDEA ABOUT MY NET WORTH: RECORDS AND REFERENCES: Although I am the only first spouse, in U.S. history to refuse to release my income tax returns, fear not, because I'll gladly summarize, right here, just how it is that I manage to avoid paying any taxes, whatsoever, on my approximate 3.5 billion dollar estate that I married into, before hooking up with Johnsy. Disclaimer: I am not doing this out of any legal obligation or duty. Obviously, you've all noticed by now, that I don't feel any duties, or obligations, that a potential public figure should, whatsoever. I am simply doing this as a favor to all the little people out there who actually have to, gulp, pay taxes, unlike me: THE HEINZ CHARITABLE TRUST: Now, you know, if I were to release my tax returns you would see a great number of these "Charitable Trusts" that I've paid my prestigious team of accountants to set up. You might also see this cute little word called "Foundation". And, actually it looks pretty good, doesn't it? It makes it seem like I'm quite philanthropic with this and that "charitable" trust and oh-so-philanthropic "Foundation". What is completely irrelevant, and the public really doesn't need to know, is that I can keep growing these trusts and foundations through the interest they accumulate, completely tax free to boot. Oh, and what of the "Charity" part??? Hehehehe, my accountants are so clever. They told me it's not required for me to ever publicly disclose whether so much as one dollar has made it into any "charity" whatsoever. No taxes required, and no charitable disbursements ever need be disclosed. Hoo boy, what would a billionaire-ess ever do without the racket of these "charitable trust" scams? TERESA HEINZ KERRY PRIVATE ENDOWMENTS: Wow, now doesn't that sound legit? "Endowment" sounds very important and official. And, indeed with these babies, in fact, I am required to give away at least 5 percent of the assets in the endowment fund to charity each year. Drats. And, yes it did pain me, greatly, to actually have to make a disbursement to an actual (gasp!) "charity"--perish the thought. However, psssst, now don't tell anyone this but: My financial managers told me that, whew, I'd only have to pay a whopping....drumroll...... 2 percent tax, on the millions that these "endowment" funds earn each year. The rest of the nearly 45 million I've got in these cute little "endowment funds" grows tax-free. Welcome to the world of the "well-endowed," where my husband's government expansion will be financed on the backs of other people, since my billions are well-sheltered and secure. THE HOWARD AND VERA I. HEINZ MEMORIAL FUND: Ah, "memorial" funds. Aren't these just so touching?, in honor of my dearly departed cash cow in-laws. Pardon me, but, I just can't help tearing up and crying. Crying all the way to the bank, that is. Let me explain just exactly how these "memorials" work: Now let's say I've got, oh $767 million (a nice round sum) in one fund in memory of Howard, and oh, let's say, uh, $399 million in another to remember dear, dear sweet Vera. Sniffle. Oh Dear Lord In Heaven, pardon me, but it makes me positively giddy to tell you that...... all of this money, every bit of these millions in these (guffaw) "endowments" .....is allowed to grow completely tax-free, but still under the vigorous and constant supervision of my professional money managers, of course, ....and overseen by my platoon of estate attorneys. The kicker is that I get to take the income and transfer it into even additional , .....you guessed it....tax-free investment "trusts". Hehehehe. THRONGS OF ESTATE ATTORNEYS: By the way, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my financial team for working so diligently to safeguard my billions. They are an expert team when it comes to setting up the wealthy with phony "foundations", scam "trusts", and Sweetheart "endowments", all tax-free. PROFESSIONAL GIVING: All right, I'm sure you all are probably asking yourself, right about now, doesn't Teresa Heinz Kerry give any money to anyone? Well, yes. There are times when I need to buy friendships, call in markers, and extract favors known as, ahem: "Special Interests". And, you know the kind of money I've got does buy a lot of friends. Well, I should hope so, after all, it bought my husband, didn't it? But let me just assure you this, my fellow Kerry supporters: My friends are all just as wealthy as I, and they too, unlike you little people out there,...... never have to pay upwards of 55 percent of everything they earn to state and federal taxes. You see, when my husband, Johnsy, talks about a middle-class tax cut, he's talking about maybe, allowing the middle class to keep, oh maybe half of what they earn. Of course a 50 percent tax (half) on what I earn, would have surely meant I'd have to part with oh, about anywhere from $23-63 million.... sent off to Uncle Sam. Of course, as I've illustrated above, and with my genius financial wizards and their tax-shelters, no way was that going to happen. Better to let the $23 million that Uncle Sam DIDN'T get from me, as illustrated above, come from the middle class. Who are the middle class? Golly, I've never thought about it, since I'm not one of them. Are they the clueless unwashed masses that I keep calling "idiots" because they like GWB? I've heard they could be small business owners. And, I'm not going to go into just how many small business owners, who don't have $23 million to pay off the Government, which I avoided having to pay---remember......... had to have their small businesses sold off, and heirs disenfranchised, upon the founder's death, so that they could pay the standard death taxes.....that I, of course, was not subject to, vis-a-vie all my clever shenanigans, wily machinations, and scam financial maneuvers above. I suppose some day, after you all elect my husband, ....I'll shed a tear for all the small business owners who went bankrupt because of the taxes they had to pay.....to cover what I got out of paying. But then again, only after my husband is elected, if then, will I consider the tax burden of: small business owners, empty nesters, newly employed professionals with student loans, young marrieds with new mortgages, and any other of these poor saps that are called "middle class",....... and who will have to make up the difference in taxes of what I, and my wealthy friends, are failing to pay. CONCLUSION: Now listen up kiddies. I want you to make sure to keep all of this just between us. Marine to marine ok. You know I won't be releasing my actual tax returns which display, for all the world to see, my financial scams and shams---all perfectly legal, of course, that all the wealthy engage in to hold on to their riches. Why, (cackle).... I even managed to delay filing my tax-returns until after the election. Woo hoo, wasn't that a brilliant move? I always thought you needed a pretty good reason to go beyond an August tax-filing extension and, viola, I found not one but two reasons: I'm working so hard on my husband's campaign, and.... I must protect my children's privacy because they are the beneficiaries of my 3.5 billion in private "foundation-hehehe" funds. Of course my active campaigning does call into question my "privacy" concerns for not releasing my dicey tax returns, come to think of it,.... my children have also campaigned, so, uh,.....I guess they've pretty much waived their right to privacy also, haven't they? Gosh, I guess that's why I haven't been able to use that excuse much. Still, in the end, I'd say I've been very fortunate that my media friends and the disgust for "the wealthy" so often expressed among the liberal press, simply doesn't seem to include people like me, with endowments in excess of 3.5 billion. Be sure to vote for my husband, John Kerry, in November!  |
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