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Soil Soup for the Guilty SoulOct 20 '04 (Updated Jul 03 '07) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Got shovel? Let's do lunch!
There are many among us who choose not to eat meat products. That tasty slice of bacon was at one time a living, breathing, relatively-intelligent farm animal just minding its own porcine business until ruthlessly butchered and virtually ALL of its tasty anatomy was conveniently packaged for delivery to the neighborhood market to be perused and selected by shoppers before ultimately ending up on the dinner plate. The same goes for cows, chickens, etc. pumped up by growth hormones and who knows what else before suffering the same unavoidable fate. What a travesty of epic proportions! However, vegans should stop and consider for a moment in their smuggy smugness that they are really no better or morally superior than all the flesh-eaters of the world in light of overwhelming evidence proving that plants also possess a sort of rudimentary intelligence and, yes, even emotions and the ability to feel pain. L. Ron Hubbard, decades ago while living in England, actually went so far as to not only reinforce those theories, but in addition, pioneered his new ground-breaking discovery that tomato plants have reactive minds similar to humans, and could be "cleared" of their debilitating vegetative engrams with the use of E-Meters and intense auditing sessions. Yes, that celery stick is crying out in intense pain and anguish as you munch into its crispy essence. That salad is screaming out, "Why us, Lord? What did we ever do to deserve such horror? We have no legs or arms to facillitate evil deeds even if we wanted to. You call this fair? This really sucks!" Indeed it does. But fret not, all you hungry omnivores out there! I have a universal solution for putting to an end once and for all the needless carnage and unnecessary consumption of God's innocent creations both great and small: DIRT! Yes, you heard me right, DIRT, SOIL, the very staff of life itself. We walk and stand upon it every day. It holds up our buildings, and without it we and everything else would perish. It is the Alpha and Omega of life on this planet, nay, it IS this planet we call Earth. Or as Charleton Heston might say: "Soylent Soil is made out of...everything!" Plus, it's free to all. Why mess with the middleman, so to speak, when you can go straight to the source and save lots of money? But not all dirt is created equal. Whether it is the mossy, loamy, rich, dark and pungent humus of the Midwest, Europe, etc.; or the pristine, sandy pureness of the deserts and beaches; the swampy gumbo stew of the Gulf coastal regions; or the slick, creamy, red clays of Oklahoma and elsewheres; and not to mention the salty iodine goodness deep beneath the oceans and the icy, crunchy delights of the Tundras -- the varieties and all the culinary combinations possible are endless and mind-boggling. Just add water if you please. Or dairy products. Nothing has to die as far as dairy products are concerned. It's a truly wonderful, benevolent thing. No bowls, spoons, ovens, cooking sprays, whatever, is required, really, unless you want to do so in order to add some fun to your excitingly-creative gastronomical endeavours of the new DIRT DIET. You'll feel much better about yourself and your relationship to fellow life-forms. There is no other way. And that's the sublime beauty of it all in my opinion! So go ahead, you may discover you like it. How can you know until you try? You can not have any pudding until you eat your dirt. Now THAT'S what I call a truly quick and expedient Quick Meal Recipe to sooth the hungry, guilty soul. Bon Appetit! Next week: The metabolic mysteries of gross, spontaneous obesity caused by the Oxygen-Cola-Twinkie Cellulite Syndrome of rural Arkansas.  |
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