Terror on Video: Worst of Horror & Exploitation Films Nov 10 '04    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Movies Under the Tuscan Sun From $9 Casablanca From $3 The Bottom Line rent - view or {heaven forbid} buy at your own risk; they may appeal to some but may cause others to run away in terror...BEWARE!!! Terror on Video: Worst of Horror & Exploitation Films {**note**}; just because some particular video made this list, doesnt mean that some dont have at least a few 'entertaining' charms to them...they just dont have as much charm as the others >>> a} Title: Sledgehammer Director: David A. Prior Cast: Ted Prior, Linda McGill, John Eastamn, Sandy Brooke Synopsis: shot-on-video, slasher-opus from grade-f director David A. Prior {"Killer Workout"}; concerning a boy, whom locked in a closet by his adulterous/abusive mommy {years back} grows up to be a hulking "jason voorhees" knockoff {who for some reason can transform back into a child and/or vanish at will!?} and stalks a gang of rowdy 30-somethings {if you guessed with a sledgehammer you are right on! - for some reason the sledgehammer can also vanish at will as well!?! } who decide to brush off local warnings and crash at the infamous "house-with-a-murderous-past"...big mistake; extremely poor-fx work {by a team called "Blood & Guts" no less} and to top it off horrible acting & filming {we get a 5min-plus frame-shot of the outside of a farmhouse...where NOTHING happens!} b} Title: Revenge of the Dead Director: Pupi Avati Cast: Gabriele Lavia, Anne Canovas, Paola Tanziani Synopsis: Interesting, if not {extremely} flawed Italian-production from Pupi Avati {who actually made the very creepy-giallo "House with Laughing Windows"}; "Revenge of the Dead" plays out like someone combined the core-theme of "Pet Cemetery" with a chewed-up Dario Argento giallo-script {whilst on 'shrooms'}; the 'plot' concerns a ribbon in a typewriter which {somehow} leads some dude to discover "K-Zones" - an area which, if you bury someone dead, they will come back to {murderous} life; interesting concept...but sinks itself harder then the freakin' titanic c} Title: Evils of the Night Director: Mardi Rustam Cast: Neville Brand, Aldo Ray, John Carradine Synopsis: oh-boy oh-boy, Neville Brand & Aldo Ray are cast as a couple of greasy-smarmy-moronic garage-workers who are paid-off to stalk and kill nubile teenagers to be plasma-harvested by deviant aliens {2 of which are lesbians} stationed at the local hospital, led by b-movie horror icon John Carradine{!}; "Evils of the Night" plays out like a poster-video for MST3K, featuring such 'award-winning' dialogue such as {Brand}"I sure would like to hump one of em'" - {Ray}"Why not, we've done it before!" d} Title: Mardi Gras Massacre Director: Jack Weis Cast: Curt Dawson, Gwen Arment, Butch Benit, Nancy Dancer Synopsis: Grade-Z rip-off of H.G Lewis's own Grade-Z slasher "Blood Feast" {if you have to rip-off a film such as "Blood Feast" for material, you are in pretty sad shape}; {plot} an Aztec-worshipping nutbag lures prostitutes {the ones he deems the most "eeeevil"} to his apartment-complex where he turns them into chop-suey, as he donates/sacrifices their innards to "Quetzacotl"; on the side, we also get a demented "love story" between a prostitute and the worlds worst cop/actor...in history e} Title: Biohazard Director: Fred Olen Ray Cast: Aldo Ray, Angelique Pettyjohn, William Fair Synopsis: Fred Olen Ray casts his 5-foot son in titular role of a "Biohazard"; actually {more specifically} a 5-foot person in a cheesy reptilian lizardman-costume, brought out from a far-off dimension due to psychic-removal by Angelique Pettyjohn {whom 'trekkies' will recognize as that 'alien-babe' from Star Trek episode#something something}; regale has the dwarfish lizardman drops townsfolk like a bad habit, whilst finding time to display cinematic disgust by tearing-up an "E.T" poster{!} - {cue mucho 'eye-rolling'} g} Title: The Alien Dead Director: Fred Olen Ray Cast: Linda Lewis, Buster Crabbe, Mike Bonavia Synopsis: Olen Ray finds himself again in schlock-film territory {...wait a minute..whom am I kidding, hes always been in that territory!} a "meteorite" {aka; sparkler} crashes into a houseboat full of southern-hicks, thus spawning the titular zombie-creatures who seemingly enjoy to grasp and strangle people {some of which are represented 'very' well, with budget sparing no expense in purchasing K-Mart zombie/alien-masks for the actors}; if the 'thwanging' southern-country muzak {by 'Paul Jones and Sugar Lee "The American Bluegrass Express"!}doesnt do you in, the "Plan 9 from Outer Space" acting and sets surely will >>> also known as "It fell from the Sky", and I bet some wish it didnt... h} Title: Zombie 90; Extreme Pestilence Director: Andreas Schnaas Cast: Ralf Hess, Mark Trinkhaus, Wolfgang Hinz Synopsis: If you thought "Redneck Zombies" and Bill Hinzmans's "Zombie Nosh" was the lair of crapola as far as tacky zombie-outings go, then you aint' seen anything yet! Untested chemicals {"used to fight the aids virus"}crash in forest-outskirts of some town in Germany, henceforth everything dead, is soon very much alive {and hungry!} cue two of the worst {dubbed} scientist/actors ever, who wage a two-man war against the living dead; sit back and enjoy a wall-to-wall goreathon of fake-flying guts/heads/limbs, etc, etc, etc...the only thing Schnass forgot was to make a script thats worth more than just snuff, also factor in some very 'choice' dialogue: * {dude} "Its so foggy here, I wonder if she farted and didint tell me" AND >>> * (dude) "hold still simon, theres a hospital just up ahead, mental hospital...but thats alright for you!" i} Title: The Brain Director: Ed Hunt Cast: Tom Breznahan, Cindy Preston, David Gale Synopsis: Canadian Sci-fi/horror outing featuring David "Reanimator" Gale {who does lose his head AGAIN!} as a medical-televangelist whom is in league with an oversized, alien brain-creature and they are plotting to corrupt and take over peoples minds via a "self-help" television-program [gee, most televison networks have already done that already Mr. Gale]; one part "The Brain that wouldnt Die" crossed with one part "Invasion of the Bodysnatchers"...all with a thick, cheese-blanket covering the proceedings; actually on the positive side, the movie does cryptically warn us of the dangers of PURE SODIUM{!}if you get bored you can always make a drinking-game out of spotting all the 5000,000 "Danger: Sodium in Use" signs that the director constantly shoves in our faces j} Title: Virgin Among the Living Dead Director: Jesus Franco Cast: Howard Vernon, Christina von Blonc, Paul Muller synopsis: a snoozeathon-zombiethon, provided [not surprisingly] by the very man who would unleash "Oasis of the Zombies" on an unsuspecting public; some chick named Christina gets a cryptic summons to her fathers forested-villa in Honduras for a will-reading; upon arriving she haves nightmares involving 'zombies' {aka; who all look like homeless people with black-teeth} rising from piles of leaves in the forest and waving their hands around like from some 'spooky' 1930's vampire-film; a whole pile of confusing mess this movie is, not surprising since it exists in probably 15 other various versions&cuts, some which even exclude the entire {goreless} zombie-subplot{!} k} Title: The Invisible Dead Director: "J.A Lazer" {Pierre Chevalier} Cast: Howard Vernon, Bridgette Carva, Fernando Sancho synopsis: "May god help us if they rise again!" eh? unsuspecting viewers who purchased this expecting Fulci-style "Zombi" mayhem had to have been most upset and frustrated at getting NO zombie-action at all {as promised by the ULTRA awesome cover-art presented on the Wizard Video release-copy}; Eurocine poster-boy Howard Vernon stars as a "Dr. Orloff" type-character who has created the ultimate be-all/end-all experiments; an invisible man in a flea-market gorilla-costume{!?!}...hmmmmmmm, there is nothing sweeter then the taste of FALSE ADVERTISING l} Title: The Ripper Director: Christopher Lewis Cast: Tom Savini, Mona VanPernis, Andrea Adams, Wade Tower synopsis:{from the trailer}"Tom Savini is...The Ripper!",...well, yes...but for like 5minutes...during the climax. Its quite likely that Mr. Lewis spent the entire budget for this film on paying Mr. Savini to appear in this direct-to-video/shot-on-video slash-trash about a geeky college prof. acquiring the cursed ring of the infamous White Chapel murderer himself...from a local antique shop of all places {hell, it should have been a 'convenience' store for all intents and purposes}; also its quite surprising {factoring in Savini's presence} that the gore-fx wasnt more {how shall I say} "realistic" looking; Savini's cameo is easily the coolest/funniest part of the film, everyone else looks and acts as if they could have been in a porno To Be Continued!!!..........................>>>

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