Monday Morning Mumblings 36: Jesus Told Me To Build This Awesome Christmas Display
Nov 22 '04
The Bottom Line In which the author glorifies the Lord with a row of three-foot high plastic candy canes.
I bet I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering why I’m adding yet another row of candy canes to my Christmas yard display. Well, I’ll tell you.
Last night, I had a vision of the Lord. Jesus Himself came to me in the form of a little Boxelder Bug, and landed upon my pillow, and He spoke to me. And He said, Son of Man, you must create an awesome Christmas display. It must be the biggest, most awesome Christmas display in the town, so that the people of Sunfield Street will know that I am coming, and that I am Lord. You must carry the message of My Birth to the people of Sunfield Street, because the people of Sunfield Street are a wayward people, consumed with covetousness and godlessness and all manner of perversions; and you, Son of Man, must bring the Good News to them with your awesome Christmas display.
And I said to Him, “But, Heavenly Father, I have already glorified Your Holy Birth to the people of Sunfield Street. Do You not see the garlands that drape the windows, the icicle lights dangling like luminous icicles from mine eves? Prince of Peace, do You not see the rows of three-foot-tall nutcracker soldiers standing in formation in front of our impeccably-trimmed hedges? King of Kings, Lord of Lords, do You not see how we have candy striped our mailbox and the trunks of our trees with wide, blood-red ribbons so that the people may know Your Glory. Two weeks before Thanksgiving, even?
“Have You not seen how I have toiled the many hours to construct the Santa sleigh with reindeer on my roof, how long I suffered to untangle the thousands of tiny, brilliantly colored lights that now hang neatly in my leafless maple trees, and contour my windows and doors? O, Lord, are You aware of the sheer wattage involved here? And have You not seen the magnificence of the life-size Nativity Scene that now graces my lawn to remind the people of Sunfield Street of Your Most Holy Birth in Bethlehem? Most Holy Son of God, do You know how much that display cost me at Wal-Mart? Do You know how many homeless people I could have fed with the money I spent on that display?”
And suddenly, the Lord smote me with a sudden urge to urinate, and so I got up and went to the bathroom, and when I came back, He spoke unto me once more saying, “You must not talk back to the Lord, or else you will be totally punished with an eternal time-out in the fires of Hell. Your impertinence to My Messenger shall be duly noted in the Heavenly Ledger, and any remaining balance on your account shall be due immediately, and any and all information you supply will be used to collect this debt. And, Son of Man, do you truly believe that I don’t know that you bought that Nativity Scene at a church rummage sale for a measly five dollars, and that the light bulb in the camel is burnt out? Nevertheless, my son, your Christmas display is indeed awesome, but it must be made awesomer.”
And I fell to my knees and begged the Lord’s forgiveness, and swore upon my Good News Bible that I would make my Christmas display awesomer, and that I would go back to Wal-Mart (where, hello, I did get that Nativity Scene, thank you very much – I don’t know what the Lord was talking about with that whole church rummage sale stuff), and get a bunch of these candy canes to line the little walk that leads up to my front door. Aren’t they cute?
Jesus will be so pleased, and my awesome Christmas display will bring the people of Sunfield Street to Him, forever and ever. Amen.
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Member: Paul Lorentz
Location: The Land of Limburger and Leinenkugel's
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Somebody turn the lights on...
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