Aunt Gerty's Purgatory Stew Dec 10 '04    Write an essay on this topic. Tweet Popular Products in Books Anna Dewdney - Llama, Llama Red Pajama From $10 Irene Hunt - The Lottery Rose: A Novel From $6 The Bottom Line PROS: Is a much more effective emetic than ipecac CONS: Once you start, you just can't stop! (i.e., hurling; not eating) INTRODUCTORY NOTE: I've always wanted to write one of those ever-so-consumerly-helpful recipe ops, but never felt confident that any of my consumerlicious recipes contained the kind of consumeriffic ingredients that would justify my setting helpfulocity to verbosity at high velocity; not the kind that would inspire high-rating reciprocity or jealous animosity. I believe that may have changed... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A DEDICATION: Are you tired of sharing tasty (and tasteful) recipes with your friends (or choirboy-faced nephews, as the case may be), who, upon realizing they've gotten their grubby paws on a winner, go on to make a fortune marketing/publishing your sacred culinary concoction as their own? My Aunt Gertrude, a stripper and part-time gravedigger who lives in a HotPoint refrigerator box in one of the many fine allies that make up Hoboken, New Jersey's skid row, has generously permitted me to publish the following recipe. It has become an enduring favorite of recovering bolemics and Neo-Roman Orgyists everywhere, who swear by its amazing purge-inducing and therapeutic qualities. Aunt Gerty's Purgatory Stew has made her as sought-after for her culinary expertise and weight-reduction consulting services, as her stripping skills have made her for her sexual healing abilities. Some of the ingredients may be hard to acquire for those of you who aren't part-time gravediggers, but if you've got a janitor pal or relly who does hospital morgue clean-ups, you should have no problem procuring them at all. This dedication's for you Aunt Gerty! You be sure to keep'em ...errrrmmm, coming! *HEH!* DO WE REALLY NEED EXTERNAL HURL ASSISTANCE? Some of you who read, and subsequently attempted to cook, then digest An_Enigmatic_Brummie's ghastly-- errmmm... I mean gamey "fish casserole" recipe may have found yourselves one or two dry heaves short of a satisfying hurl during those burp and stomach gurgle-filled hours that followed. You may also have regretfully noted that a simple stomach-churning nausea or gastro-intestinal queasiness episode often isn't enough to inspire the semi-digested contents of your digestive system to commit a full-scale mutiny. Once those gloppy, fish molecule-filled bolus chunks have settled into the digestive enzymes of their new environment, they're not so easily evicted, are they? WHY SELECT AUNT GERTY'S PURGATORY STEW RECIPE AS YOUR EMETIC OF CHOICE? Ipecac, as effective and helpful a consumer product as it may be, can rarely be found on the medicine cabinet shelf when it's most needed. The traditional "one-finger throat enema" is a bit crude and not always an effective (or hygenic) way to kickstart the ol' gag reflex. Sometimes just having an urge to purge, even one that's on the verge of a regurge splurge, may diverge and submerge without an extra surge of urgent purge-urge to merge with the regurge-urge that's on the verge of purge, to get your regurge to resurge and emerge-- Aunt Gerty's dietetic emetic is a guaranteed barf-bag pleaser. As a testament to Aunt Gerty's recipe's emetic effectiveness, she has received many satisfied complaints from peops whose hair-trigger gag reflexes and vivid imaginations prevent them from completely reading through the recipe's ingredients, let alone compile them into a digestive system-evacuating culinary emetic. Puking can sometimes be a splatter of life and death! If you're raising your little preschool-aged consumer in a living environment filled with tasty-looking toxic consumer-products, a pint of Aunt Gerty's Purgatory stew and a clean funnel should be kept within queasy reach for sudden toxic regurgencies! Remember! Your little paint-chip chomper or Tidybowl-taster's growing-up may depend upon his throwing-up! PURGATORY STEW: "BECAUSE SOMETIMES AN EVIL DINNER HAS TO GO THROUGH HEAVIN' TO GET TO HURL..." (--AUNT GERTY) Let's face it folks, puking is a serious business, or perhaps some of you retch for sheer love of the game? We don't enjoy splashing our cookies, but when we have to do it, we don't want to belch up a few bilious bubbles, do we? NO! We want to chuck-up our up-chuck in chunky chuck RIVERS! We want to puke-paint our pallid surroundings in the vomity-vivid spew-hues of our unexpressed nausea! After all, puking is as much an organic form of self-expression as it is a way of expelling toxic substances. Puking is more than just an involuntary purge. For many, it is a spew-niquely spiritual act. The Native American Church, whose Navajo Indian adherents ingest peyote to commune with their god, Mescalito, believe that puking allows worshippers to achieve purity of heart. Projectile-vomiting put William Peter Blatty's "The Exorcist" on the map and made splatty-Blatty's splatty-bit-splattering starlet, Linda Blair a horror film staple; a splatinee idol of sorts. What pea soup-slurper, having seen The Exorcist, doesn't fantasize, even if it's for just a few seconds, about pea soup-projectile purge-painting the preachy puss of a pious priest or perhaps just an annoying lunch partner? For most people, orally and nasally expelling the HCL-reduced remnants of their tainted or improperly cooked grocery products is the closest they'll ever come to rejecting abject consumerism... or abject consumption, anyway. So, without any further aspew, I present to you... AUNT GERTY'S PURGATORY STEW RECIPE: 1) In an industrial-sized airline "barf bag," mix together: -- 5 heaping tablespoons of "last round-up" cowboy boot-scrapings, -- a large beaker full of scrotum-dandruff flakes collected from an unwashed, sweat-caked, fecally-soiled, urine-stained, locker room "lost and found" box-retrieved jockstrap and cup. 2) Thoroughly shake the mixture until evenly dispersed. 3) Pour this mixture into a large mixing bowl 4) To this mixture, add: -- 1/2 cup of moldy toenail clippings, -- an 8 ounce dollop of festering acne puss squeezed directly from the pustules of (several hundred) infection-ripened zits, 5) Blend evenly until the mixture takes on the consistency of a creamy paste 6) Scoop the paste into 6 extra-large sized bacterial culture-growing agar dishes (do not lick the residual paste from the mixing bowl after you have emptied it!) 7) Allow the agar dishes to fester in a dark, warm and moist environment for one week or until you can observe a healthy crop of fungus and bacteria accumulating on the surface of the paste, 8) Scoop the paste from the agar dishes back into the previously-soiled, unlicked mixing bowl, 9) Stir in a quart of putrid swamp-water, 10) Add in: -- 1 cup of ambergris (i.e., whale puke), -- 1 (32 oz.) bag of human fat collected from a recent liposection, 11) Using an electric mixer, evenly blend one 5 oz test-tube of anthrax spores (filled to the brim), into the soupy mixture 12) Carefully ladle the soupy mixture into a large crock pot, and, with temperature set on high, bring to a steady boil 13) Reduce heat and maintain a simmering boil for 1/2 hour 14) After a half hour has elapsed, remove a full to near-bursting colostomy bag from a recently-expired hospital corpse 15) Spill the contents of the colostomy bag into the simmering soupy mixture and bring to a second boil 16) Allow mixture to simmer for an additional 20 minutes, then remove from heat 17) When the broth has completely cooled, store it in a chilly location and allow the chunkier contents (from colostomy bag) to baste for 10 to 12 hours. (The chilled broth should take on a gelatinous consistency) 18) In a 2 to 3 parts ratio, mix together 3 heaping handfuls of crumbled tree moss and ground-up gerbil-droppings, then sprinkle liberally onto the greasy surface-skin of the stew. 19) Serve, either chilled or reheated, in a large (barn yard) pig trough. The recipe makes enough for 24-32 servings. Be sure to include an airline barf bag and/or additional throw-up bowls to accommodate the stew recipient's subsequent purges. REMEMBER DRY-HEAVERS-- "When on the verge of an urgent purge, but your purgent-urge needs that extra surge to encour'ge the regurge to emerge, Aunt Gerty's Purgatory Stew is the tried and true spew-brew that'll make your spew accrue like few spew-stews can or do!" TFH (Thanks For Heaving) --29th

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