The Second Annual MATTY AWARDS Part Two: The Worst of Music in 2004Dec 29 '04 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line ... This review is part of Demon and Drew's year end music wrap up write off. Thanks to my two kind hosts for the invite! Well well well, here we are, and what a long strange trip it's been. This is part two of the MATTY'S, the awards that unlike those hack Grammy Awards, aren't afraid to tell you something sucks just because it was popular, or made by an artist who once was relevant but now just absolutely sucks monkey nuts. And so, on to the awards: The Biggest Pile of Donkey Spunk Award, AKA Worst Album: 1.Courtney Love-America's Sweetheart: Oh, the tongue in cheek hilarity of that title. Not only is Courtney Love possibly the most untalented female to ever grace a music stage (hey, at least Britney can dance!), but her album is nothing more than an excuse for her to annoy us with her nails on a chalkboard voice on more time. If Ms. Love made an album that was even worthy of half the unnecessary attention she gets, I might not have such a problem with her. Thankfully, her album bombed (rightly), and hopefully, we will never ever hear from her again! And the runners up: 2.Eminem-Encore: It's not so much that his beats sucked (though they did) or that he can't come up with anything intelligent to say and he's still writing about the same f*cking subjects over and over again (cause he can't/is), it's more the general juvenile tone of the album that just turns me off. Since he has no interest in creating something vibrant and intelligent to galvanize the hip hop community to greater acclaim and exposure (and he could, since he's the white boy and therefore given extra accolades as it is), he makes an album for 13 year old males. Well that's great. It sucks. Thanks for nothing Marshall, you douche. 3.The Beastie Boys-To The 5 Boroughs: God himself couldn't make the Beastie Boys relevant again. That's the only conclusion I can draw from this record. Be it the lame rhymes, mind numbing beats, and lyrics that would certainly make my five year old niece laugh, but nobody else. Oh, and insult to injury? They took six years to come up with this schlock. Yes, it's happened folks: the Beasties are officially parodying themselves at this point. 4.Hoobastank-The Reason: I'll keep this short: what does it say about a band named Hoobastank when the best thing about them is probably their name? I'd rather listen to Nickelback rehash How You Remind Me (as they did with Someday) four more times and be subjected to 8 million spins each than ever listen to this record again. 5.Avril Lavigne-Under My Skin: Here's the thing about Avril: I liked her first album, at least to the point where I could say there was more I liked than didn't. Here, though, she's created a big mess. Her voice sounds like a*s, not to mention over-processed to sh*t. Her lyrics take a tumble, and quite a noticable one at that. And the music? Half of it sounds like rehashes of her first record, the other half is power chords run through a pussified amp. Blech. 6.Simple Plan-Still Not Getting Any: What does it say about an album when it's in the pop punk genre, and yet, feels so lightweight and airy that even crap pop punk acts like Bowling For Soup should want to kick your a*s? Thankfully, this album isn't quite performing up to expectations, and hopefully, Canada will be re-claiming these four a*s clowns who are still writing about how bad high school sucked 10 years ago. Christ... 7.Jet-Get Born: Jet is quite possibly the worst cover band on the planet. Besides ripping off every classic rock song on the planet (how Iggy Pop hasn't sued them yet is beyond me), their vocalist has the charisma of a Chinatown prostitute. If there is any justice in the world, AC/DC's next album sells 3 million copies and reminds people of what a good rock band sounds like. 8.Yellowcard-Ocean Avenue: Listen to Ryan Key sing off key! Listen to Ryan Key write about the same f*cking thing, over and over again. Listen to their violin player ruin any song that comes even close to being listenable! Listen to a craptastic album that deserves to have monkeys fling their poo at it! 9.Incubus-A Crow Left of the Murder: Is Incubus even trying at this point, or are they just on auto-pilot? To steal one of my gf's lines, this album "blows diseased goat nuts." Need you know any more? 10.Lenny Kravitz-Baptism: I don't know why this is such a surprise to me. I mean, Lenny hasn't had a real good a*s kicking song in about a decade, never mind a full album. Oh well. There's always GAP commercials, right Lenny? Album That Sucked Worse Than I Ever Thought It Could, AKA Most Disappointing Album: This was looking to be a tough choice, if for nothing else than many albums lived up to expectations. Then I heard Jimmy Eat World's Futures album, and it hit me. Sure, maybe I wasn't expecting a masterpiece out of them, but DAMN, I was expecting more than this sad sack pile of vomit they came out with. Album That Scored The Most Undeserved Critical Blow Jobs, AKA Most Over-Rated Album: Nominees in this category were numerous. The Nirvana box set rated pretty highly. The Eminem album. The Beasties album. That R.E.M. album. But nothing was more of a complete and total mindf*ck than the fact that The Killers scored so much critical acclaim for an album that stole from freaking Duran Duran. INEXCUSABLE! Even for the Spins and Rolling Stones of the world. 10 Songs I'd Most Love To Shove Up Radio Programmers/Artists Collective A*ses, AKA Most Overplayed/Obnoxious Songs of the Year: Lady-Lenny Kravitz: When I hear this come on the radio, or, worse, on the TV, I can actually feel my stress level rise. I Don't Want You Back-Eamon: About the best thing I can say for this song is that it guarantees this untalented, soul-less tool will never have another hit. I mean really, who bought this dude's album based on this song? Move Ya Body-Nina Sky: On the whole, party anthems and jams don't bother me. But besides having the most annoying electronic backbeat since Days Go By, this video seemed to be on once an hour back in the summer. The song SUCKS. Period. Turn Me On-Kevin Lyttle: Anytime this video came on, all I could picture was Speed at the Boston M&G in his wife beater. Even worse, I'd then picture him actually grabbing his nuts in order to hit the awful falsetto that this dude sings in throughout this song. Talk about a song that makes your ears bleed. The Reason-Hoobastank: Leading the crop of bands known as "whine rock," The Reason is quite possibly the most whiny, woe is me, poor poor pitiful me song ever written. And yeah, their vocalist can't pull it off live to save his a*s. Never a good sign (coughprotoolscough). What You Waiting For--Gwen Stefani: OK, Gwen. You wanted to make a dance album. Whatever. I don't really care. OK, Gwen, you wanted it to sound 80s. Whatever. I don't really care. Then you released this OBNOXIOUS piece of trash that has undoubtedly led to at least 100 murders, and you MADE me care. Thanks Gwen. And for the record: 80s dance music sucked. Somebody Told Me-The Killers: Sigh. Looks like you guys didn't get the memo either. 1980s dance music sucked. Thank you. Rumors-Lindsay Lohan: So the fact that Lindsay Lohan has a record deal, does that mean that if I show cleavage, dress like a slut, and can lip synch I can get one too? I just want to make sure before I have that sex change operation. I Just Wanna Live-Good Charlotte: Good Charlotte should not be rapping. Ever. For any reason. It would be like Jay-Z doing country. It just shouldn't happen. Ever. Oh, and Reel Big Fish deserves an apology for ripping off their Sell Out video. Mono-Courtney Love: Sorry, Courtney. We didn't miss you. We never will miss you. And with any luck, you'll shut the f*ck up and maybe actually RAISE that daughter of yours. Worst Avril Lavigne Clone: Was there really any reason Skye Sweetnam got signed? Especially with some of the idiotic lyrics? Song That Most Makes Me Want to Commit a Drive By, AKA Worst Rap Song: The name is escaping me at the moment, but that Petey Pablo song, the one where he just rattles off girls names in the chorus, is far and away the worst. You could also pick just about anything by Chingy and be safe. Best Headache Inducer, AKA Worst Song By a Really Good Band: U2's A Man and A Woman makes me reach for the skip button in a new record time every time it starts up. It doesn't help that the kick a*s All Because of You is right before it, either. Baby of the Year: Ashlee Simpson for blaming her band over her lip synching incident. Hey Ashlee, suck it up honey and sing without a vocal track. Either that, or cancel, assuming your acid reflux excuse is real. Album That Most Sounds Like Household Items Were Used In It's Recording, AKA Worst Production: It isn't that bad, but the production on the Jimmy Eat World album is very "eh." The album sounds thin and tinny throughout. The Newfound Sluthood Award, AKA Biggest Sell Out: Didn't Michelle Branch once say she wasn't going to flaunt her sexuality to sell records? I guess when your albums don't go double platinum, that plan goes out the window, huh? We Can't Go On Award, AKA Most Disappointing Band Breakup: Another tough one. I'd say Chris Robinson's New Earth Mud project, but I can hardly call something that pushes the Black Crowes back to the forefront a "disappointment." I'd say the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, but they're just "on hiatus" supposedly. And so by default, almost, the award goes to Phish. Not so much because I'm a Phish fan, but I can relate to how their fans felt. Hopefully the day I feel like that as a Pearl Jam fan is still a long ways off. Courtney Love Sound Alike Award, AKA Most Annoying Female Voice: Oh, come on now. Surely Courtney Love must win this! Hell, it's NAMED after her! Snooze-Fest of the Year Award, AKA Undeserved Success Story of the Year: Watch out folks, the Coldplay clones have landed. That's the ultimate message that Keane's success has in store for music fans. I hold everyone who bought a Coldplay record responsible. You know who you are... We Have the Biggest D*ck Award, AKA Most Unnecessary Reunion For Money Only: Motley Crue. If you don't know why, read The Dirt. Because any rock fan who hasn't read The Dirt can hardly be considered a rock fan. Most Disappointing Live Show: It had been a while since I had seen Aerosmith, and then I go see them, and they play Cryin THREE FRIGGIN TIMES!!! And NO BACK IN THE SADDLE? WHAT THE SH*T IS THAT?! Creepy Manager of the Year: Can someone investigate Joe Simpson please? The way he talks about his daughters REALLY makes me wonder what type of relationship he wants to have with them.  |
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