So you want to start a (WILDLY SUCCESSFUL) band...
Jan 22 '05
The Bottom Line While you will never be as good as my band, maybe you can come slightly close with these guidelines.
Ah, music. Music soothes the soul; it calms the savage beast; it makes you shake yo' groove thang...whatever. The point is, absolutely everybody wants to be in a band...right?
Well, hold up, soldier! You can't just gather all your best/richest/most musically talented/hottest friends together and start playing in the garage! There are certain guidelines* your band needs to follow when deciding who's in, and who's a loser. Because let's face it...nobody wants to be a loser.
Let's go band-member-by-band-member.
LEAD SINGER
Must be:
-hot in a kind of pretty-boy-meets-bad-boy way. Study from Chris Cornell (sigh), Kurt Cobain (yum), Jeff Buckley (YUM), and Conor Oberst (Ali cannot come to the computer right now because she is having an orgasm). Oh, and me (don't offend me).
-in possession of a big power voice, which can go from soft murmuring I-love-you-let's-f*ck to loud screeching I-hate-you-let's-f*ck. Jeff Buckley is an exception. You are not Jeff Buckley. Probably. If you are, the name's Ali and I am married to you, buddy.
-the main songwriter. It doesn't matter if your greatest lyrical accomplishment is "I love you, Bridget/ You make me fidget/ A little like Gidget/ Or Lemony Snidget." Although I'd rather you didn't write that, because Lemony Snidget is an entity not in existence.
-an addict to some kind of vice; this will score you big-time "mysterious bad boy" points with the ladies. You don't have to say what vice it is. It could be drinking, drugs, gambling, mismatching socks, getting high on sugar, snorting Clorox, farting...well, maybe not farting.
-able to play at least one instrument, although you don't actually have to play it on your record. Americans will have no trouble with this one, because can't nobody play the recorder like an American who was forced to do it in kindergarten.
Must not be:
-ugly
-smelly
-in possession of an IQ above 75, although Rivers Cuomo is an exception, but he doesn't count.
GUITARIST (lead or otherwise)
Must be:
-hot in a kind of willing-to-lurk-in-the-background-because-I'm-not-as-hot-as-the-lead-singer way. See Eddie Van Halen (wait, don't, because he is UGLY AS HELL), Izzy Stradlin (and it takes a lot to be uglier than Axl friggin' Rose), and our guitarist Amity (don't feel bad, Amity, it doesn't take much not to be as hot as I am).
-able to at least go through the Pentatonic scale when it's time to solo. Or, be like Jack White, and refuse to solo. Or just bend all the notes into other notes and step on your pedal and try to sound impressive because you're not.
-a horrible songwriter, so that when it comes time to write the one song you WILL write on the album, everyone knows it's yours and it makes the lead singer look better by comparison. Remember the rule of music: The better the lead singer looks, the better off YOU are.
-an addict to ALL the vices. That means drinking, drugs, gambling, mismatching socks, getting high on sugar, snorting Clorox, AND farting. Especially farting, because it makes you less hot than the lead singer.
-willing to give up all but the ugliest groupies to the lead singer. Nobody likes you. You're just a measly little tumor on the limbs of life.
Must not be:
-hotter than the lead singer
-ugly
-a better f*ck than the lead singer
BASSIST
Must be:
-hot in a kind of hair-flopped-into-the-eyes-so-nobody-sees-me-and-I-lurk-in-the-background way. See...er...every bassist that ever lived, really. Except our bassist, who is coincidentally the other Amity. Her hair's huge. But that's something else.
-able to just linger in the background pounding out the same one note for the whole three minutes of the song. To make it sound more glamorous, bassists much possess the virtue of patience.
-a horrible songwriter, so that everyone has no trouble accepting that you aren't writing jack sh*t.
-addicted to absolutely nothing. It would draw attention to you.
-willing to give up every single groupie to the lead singer and guitarist. Major, major bonus if you're gay.
Must not be:
-attention-seeking
-hotter than everyone else
-attention-seeking
DRUMMER
Like it matters? You're just the drummer. Unless you're Keith Moon, or John Bonham (which is very unlikely, considering that he is dead), or our drummer whose name we always forget and therefore we just call him Drummer, you just sit there behind your kit and pound out a rhythm. Bass drum, snare drum, bass drum, snare drum, CYMBAL, bass, snare. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat ad infinitum.
LIVE SHOWS
The singer has to basically writhe around the stage with his microphone and rip his shirt off dramatically at some point. (That is something you will never see at one of our live shows. I am, after all, female.)
The guitarist stands to the right of the singer, stonily riffing away, and then he slides on his knees to the front of the stage for his solo. And then goes back to the right of the singer.
The bassist stands there playing the same single note until the song changes, where he will then play a different single note.
The drummer drums.
SOPHOMORE SLUMP
This occurs when your first album is an amazing pile of world-changing awesomeness, and your second one sucks.
But with any luck, you will be able to be a one-hit wonder, fade back into history with everyone's money in your pockets, and contentedly keep making albums without anyone ever realizing whether they suck or rock because nobody buys them anymore.
ARTISTIC INTEGRITY
Only if you're an indie rocker. Idiot boy.
AND IN CONCLUSION...
May the Force be with you. And...stuff.
*this means rules you better follow or else
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Epinions.com ID:
prettyvacant
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Member: Ali Radness
Location: r-ville
Reviews written: 115
Trusted by: 47 members
About Me:
I dabble.
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