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Advice, especially for passive-agressive introvertsJan 25 '05 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line Poor communication skills were the foundation for ALL of the problems my roommate and I had with each other - learn from our mistakes! The title of this category is “What Should I Know About Dealing With College Roommates?”, although it seems like “Why My Roommate Sucked” would be more appropriate! It’s so tempting to come here and vent! I’ll admit right off the bat that I had a horrible roommate experience, and my epinion will include stories and details, but I will try to make such personal information relevant to advice I can give YOU on how to deal with roommates. When I went off to college at 18, I was a bit apprehensive about dorm life. I was an introvert and a loner, and highly valued my privacy and space. I was not looking forward to being forced to live with a stranger, in ONE ROOM. Oh the horror. Yet I tried to be open minded about it, because I wanted my transition to college to be as smooth as possible...And besides, some people became best friends with their roommates! The college had had all of us fill out lengthy and detailed surveys, in an attempt to match us up with people we had things in common with. Well, once I got to know my roommate, whom I will call Harper for the heck of it, I was offended to think that the college thought I had a lot in common with her! At first, everything was peachy. Because being away at college for the first time was an exciting experience, it seemed like a party at first. Harper and I got along great for about a week. In fact, we thought we were such great buds that there was no need for us to go to that silly “Getting Along With Your Roommate” workshop offered at orientation... But once the slumber party feel wore off, and it dawned on us that we would have to spend every day/night together for months, things began to get a bit nasty. Lesson 1: Be realistic. Expect the need to compromise. Learn from trees: the flexible branches survive the windstorms, while the rigid ones snap. Bend. Bend. Go with the wind. Realize that while you may be very comfortable and set in your ways (e.g. you’re used to what your life was like at home), your roommate feels the same way too, and you can’t both have it totally your way! I know that sounds ridiculously obvious, but it needs to be said, because it’s something many people don’t directly acknowledge. If your college offers a roommate workshop, by all means, take advantage of it! You won’t regret it. It’s tempting to think you’ll be fine without it, but really, it can’t hurt to take it, and can only help. Even if you and your roommate truly get along splendidly, it will just strengthen your bond. If you can’t take a roommate workshop, sit down and have a nice long chat together. It’s a great idea to make a roommate contract... Write out a detailed agreement of how life will be in your dorm room. For instance, thoroughly discuss/outline a plan for whatever possible problems might emerge. -- How will you share the phone fairly, so one person doesn’t monopolize it? -- What are the rules for having guests – can they stay overnight? How many guests can be in the room at once? Is it necessary to always ask your roommate first before inviting friends over? -- If only one person brought a TV, computer, refrigerator, etc., can the other use these items? How and when? -- What is your mess tolerance? Who cleans what, and when? -- What are your sleeping patterns? What will you do if one person wants to stay up longer than the other? Can you tolerate background light/noise when you sleep, or not? -- Which personal belongings are strictly personal, and which are you willing to share? -- If you get into an argument, what will you do? Will you separate to cool off? Stay and talk about it until you come to a mutual understanding? Write letters back and forth to solve the problem? -- Do you want to hang out together outside of the dorm, or do you need time apart? Will you eat meals together in the dining commons? -- What type of music do you like, and at what level? If you two disagree on which music to listen to and when, what will you do? The most important thing is to make a commitment to be honest with each other, and to be direct and open, in order to work through whatever issues may arise. Keep the lines of communication open. If you have a problem with your roommate and ignore it in hopes that it will go away, you will regret it. Even a small issue that’s only mildly irritating can swell into a huge problem if you just stay silent and let your feelings fester inside. In the beginning, Harper was whiny and clingy and irritating. I had always been a loner, but she was the type who was apparently used to being surrounded by friends, and thus latched on to me...Not because she necessarily liked me that much, but because I was the most convenient and available source of companionship. Conversations would often go something like this: Harper: “Oh, cool! There’s a such-and-such meeting tonight in the Student Center. I really wanna go to that. Let’s go.” Me: “No thanks, it doesn’t sound like something I’d be interested in. Have fun though; I’ll see you when it gets out.” Harper: “Oh...That’s okay. I didn’t really wanna go that much, anyway. I’ll go back to the room, too.” It was incredibly frustrating, and it wasn’t doing either of us any good. I would have loved some time alone, and she obviously wanted to go to the meeting, but because of her dependent nature, she wouldn’t go alone. So she’d be upset for missing out on something fun, and I’d be upset that I was stuck with her yet again, and we’d both be in a bad mood. Aaargghhh! Don’t let this happen to you! Lesson 2: Take risks, meet new friends, don’t use your roommate as a crutch! It’s natural to be slightly nervous about being away from home, at a new school, where you don’t know anyone. But it’s so important that you get out there and make an attempt to meet people! It can be tempting to just stick with your roommate simply because she’s readily available, but don’t confuse physical proximity with emotional closeness. Just because you see this person every day, and share a room with her, doesn’t mean you’re destined or obligated to be best friends. If you spend all your time with your roommate and then suddenly develop a problem with her, it’s going to be even more difficult to deal with if you don’t have other friends to go to and be with. The initial discomfort of making the first move in getting out and meeting people is nothing compared to the agony of later finding yourself stuck with a psycho roommate and lacking a support system. I requested a room on the “substance free” floor, meaning the floor where each resident made a commitment to not drink, smoke, or do drugs. I know alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes are a part of many (most?) college students’ lives, but those things have never been a part of my life, and sometimes it’s frustrating to feel like an outsider because I’m not into that and everyone around me is. That’s why I was really looking forward to living with other people who were like me, and that’s why I was so ticked off to find out that Harper smoked. It turns out, her parents didn’t know she smoked, and they signed her up for the substance-free floor. Harper at least left the room to smoke, but of course, she and her clothes and belongings often smelled like smoke no matter what, which was frustrating for me. Although I don’t pass judgment on others, and if someone wants to smoke/drink/do drugs, it’s their decision, I did resent being forced to live with a smoker when I had signed up for a substance-free floor. I understand that from Harper’s point of view, it was unfair that she got put on a substance-free floor when she smoked and had no intention of quitting. I blame her parents for their stupidity. But still, it wasn’t fair to me, either. I really wanted to get a new roommate, but was too scared/shy to speak up to my Resident Advisor...I’ve never liked rocking the boat, and even though I didn’t particularly like Harper, I was still too concerned about not wanting to hurt her feelings! Lesson 3: Don’t be a doormat! Know that sacrificing your own feelings to save someone else’s can make your life miserable. Speak up when you need to. I now realize that I had every right to request a new roommate immediately when school began, since I knew from day one that Harper smoked and we were living on a substance-free floor. People go to their RAs and request a room change for ridiculous and trivial reasons... Yet even when I had a very valid reason to request a room change, I was too hesitant to speak up! I’m still kicking myself for that. It wasn’t even a matter of me hurting Harper’s feelings by saying “I don’t want to be with her” to an RA... She was violating the rules of the floor, period. That’s not my fault... And it should have been dealt with. As if it wasn’t enough that Harper and I were already in constant battle over the phone line, since I was addicted to the internet and she was addicted to her boyfriend back home, Harper didn’t have internet access and would ask to use my computer. In the beginning, I tried to be nice and said sure. Then she began to monopolize my computer, and would not get off when I asked politely or even demanded. Because I was still too much of a doormat to confront her about this problem directly, my passive-aggressive response was to hide my keyboard and/or mouse when I wasn’t using the computer, so she couldn’t use it. That way, when she asked, “Where’s your mouse? I want to use the computer,” I wouldn’t feel guilty for saying “I don’t know...it’s lost!” That way it wasn’t my fault she couldn’t use the computer, so she couldn’t get mad at me. For a while, I was absolutely gleeful over my own cleverness, as I’d say with a yawn, “Gee, I don’t know where it went!”, then innocently go to sleep with the mouse tucked safely under my pillow. But I wasn’t doing either of us any favors by acting like that... Yes, she was being a major pain in the butt, but so was I. Lesson 4: Communicate, communicate, communicate. It’s not helpful to scream at your roommate and throw the phone at her (as Harper once did to me), nor is it helpful to suffer in silence and pretend nothing’s going on when it is. Grow up already, and talk with each other in an honest and civilized manner! And if the two of you still can’t work things through, make use of your RA; call her in to mediate and help you come up with a solution. Don’t be running to her for every minor incident, but know that she’s there to help in an emergency. It’s her job. Also, part of handling disagreements in a mature and respectful way means NOT gossiping about your roommate with all of your friends and classmates...word gets around. Try to keep your roommate problems within the walls of your room. The ability to communicate honestly and openly is the most important tool you (and your roommate) should possess in order to have a happy, healthy co-habiting experience. Good luck to you; I hope your experience is better than mine was!  |
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