A poem to Claire.....

Feb 11, 2005 (Updated Feb 12, 2005)

The Bottom Line ...

Even when you scowl at me, you're still beautiful
you're tough and yet so soft and I want to sink into your arms and feel safe.
why won't you let me in?
why won't you let me talk to you

You have an aura of kindness I yearn to shine in again
but your light is short, like a street lamp in mist
you're so far away and I'm hurting without it
I'm so unsure without you

I was sick, I was trapped, I had demons
Living in madness and hate
I became bitter and alone and devious and sick
It's a diseased world and I became infected
contradicted, confused, torn
you were my hope

I believed in you when you were kind
you had no prejudice and you were a friend to all
I wanted to believe in that too
Why did you change
Why did you change
You were everything I believed in

My mind was at ease with you and for a moment, it was not chaos
You were my confident and I thought I was yours
at least as a friend
you were funny, I wanted to live like you
I wanted to read the books you read
it was always so genuine
it was fun and refreshing
and stayed with me like a dig in the ribs
you were like a beautiful and sincere song
under my skin
making me smile
I feel I know you so well
but maybe I never knew you at all

Now you turn hostile
I gave you no reason
I was good to you, I wanted it to work
even as just friends
now you are shallow like a snob
you've changed
if only you were beyond recognition
perhaps I could forget who you were

I avoid you, I pretend not to care
perhaps its better you never knew how I really felt
would you enjoy my pain?
For a while I forget
For a while I glimpse a future without you and it doesn't hurt
Sometimes I just care about no-one again
But I can't avoid you for more than a month

When I see you, When you don't talk to me
I want to scream and errupt with rage and loss
I'm burning and hating and crying
And I can't make sense
What did I do to repell you
Why didn't you tell me, why didn't you say goodbye
I don't know why
I don't want to
My worst fear is knowing why you don't like me
perhaps I can tell myself you liked me too much

I'm desperate to talk, and I can't
Will the moment come when I have a reason to speak to you
Should I feign uncontroleable offence
"Why are you everywhere I go?"
"What is your problem? Why do you always scowl at me?"
or should I be honest
"I miss you so much", "this silence is killing me"
"I just want to be your friend", "please stop hurting me"
If I could just say this to you
these feelings wouldn't go away
and you'd probably not care
you don't care for me anymore
but somehow I can't stand the silence more than anything

Would it scare you if I came to you after this time?
Would you panic and scream and wound me once more with your hostility?
are we scared of emotions? We fear the stalker, the emotionally crazed, the desperate, the beggar
do we prefer the partner who tramples us
to the one who lets us trample them?
Is that why I feel for you?

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