Feb 18, 2005 (Updated Jun 15, 2011)

The Bottom Line Thanks for strolling down memory...errr, nightmare lane with me.

In the grand spirit of David Letterman...may I have a drum roll please?

Please note, some of these commercials are regional or local to Los Angeles and some of you may not have ever seen or heard of my most hated commercials. For this, I am both sad and elated for you.

#10. Any commercial for ANY soap opera. The announcer - with his overly dramatic deep voice...BARF. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a guy, but soap operas are as necessary as re-runs of the Jerry Springer Show. Are there that many unanswered questions? How many people really care about these 1-dimensional characters who are nothing more than pretty faces with less talent than two flies 'boinking' on a drape and all the charm of a rabid Rottweiler. Down, Cujo!

#9. Any commercial for those technical colleges or vocational schools. While I take no issue with the schools themselves, the acting is far worse than porn actors from the 1970s. At least with the porn, you might end the day with a smile on your face. After all, we all love happy endings (wink wink nudge nudge). My favorite is where the wioman says, "If if wouldn'ta went to school..." You're kidding me, right?  Wouldn't have went? Perhaps a remedial English class is in her future.

#8. Crazy Gideons. Here's an Israeli guy who's in dire need of medication. He grabs your attention by acting like an inmate at Jack Nicholson's The Shining School for Wayward Freaks from Uranus. He stacks them deep and sells them cheap. His highly-animated psychotic persona is supposed to sell refurbished electronics? His stuff is cheap....cuz it's just that - cheap...refurbished, pieced-together garbage. His incessant screaming and irrational behavior makes me want to switch the channel and never buy from him.

#7. Sexist ads. It disgusts me that around the holidays and Valentine's Day, it's perfectly acceptable to see ads that say, go out and spend thousands on a piece of jewelry in order to BUY her love. There are very few ads where a woman buys a man anything, like the one where the wife buys the husband a Jaguar (all of a sudden pronounced Jagooyar) - it's his money that she spent anyway. I'm just tired of these ads telling the young men in society that in order to gain the affection of your need to shower her with diamonds. Are we creating a consciousness in society that says women are hookers on retainer? The ad says, "Show her you love her, by giving her diamonds." I say, BS. Where are the ads that tell women to go out and buy men Plasma TVs to show their men they love them? I'm NOT picking on women...I'm picking on this behavior inspired by sexist ads. Speaking of, another sexist ad is that Outback Steakhouse ad where three hunky guys serve three women, and as they turn to leave, the women lean to the side in order to get a better view of the guy's butts. I'M SURE, that if it was the guys gawking at the women, the feminist groups would start whining about it. This kind of ad sends a message that it's CUTE when women harass men, but if a guy so much as looks at a woman wrong...LAWSUIT.

#6. Larry H. Parker. Remember the good ol' days when the black gentleman remarked that Larry H. Parker got him 2.1 million dollars? Remember how they never showed him below the waist? Speculation was that the guy was in a wheelchair. Currently, they make light of it. The same guy...years later - is still the spokesman for Larry H. Parker? Why? Now, he says, "Larry H. Parker got know the story." Yeah, we've heard it for nauseam. Isn't it odd that Parker professes to have a 91% success rate...for all these years? He's only lost 9% of his cases? I'm SURE that statistic is not accurate. The spokesman ads, "Get all that you can." Who says ambulance chasers get a bad rap? I'm surprised Larry and his law pals don't hang at NASCAR "events" and pass out business cards. I mean, if you're that void of a brainstem and enjoy cars racing in circles, you deserve a lame attorney like Parker. Hey, Dale Earnhardt fans, Dale was a mean and nasty driver. Sing it with me..."Dale fought the wall...and the wall won!" (THIS WAS A JOKE. COMMENTS HERE, HAVE NO REFLECTION ON EPINIONS AND ARE THE SOLE COMMENTARY OF THE REVIEWER.)

#5. 1-800-DENTIST. Not only are the ads lame and annoying, but I actually called on them once. I was new to the area and wanted a dentist in my area... Exactly what they advertise. The woman on the other end of the phone grilled me with questions that were not germane to the current events. I was lookin for the name and number of a local dentist while they were interested in demographics. She told me that in order to give me a referral, I'd need to answer some questions. This was, what I like to call, the Spanish Inquisition. I told her my name was Kenny (and my very Anglo last name) she asked if I was Hispanic. I asked if she would have asked me this moot question if my name was Chin Foo or Mikael Barishnikov. No answer. She asked if anyone in my household spoke Spanish as a first or second language. She asked if my parents were Hispanic. ETC ETC ETC. I said, "Wait a second...what the hell does this have to do with my needing a dentist?" She refused to give me the name of a dentist because I thought these questions were lame. How annoying is that? I told her that I'm not familiar with the country of Hispania and that I'm going to hang up now. CLICK. I have NOTHING against people of Spanish or Latino decent...I have an issue with stupid questions that have NOTHING to do with dentistry.

#4. Check into Cash. The lady in the commercial states that, "It's a remarkable place where you can get the cash you need for a fee" Remarkable? How so? It's a high-priced, high-rate loan shark outfit with weak commercial "actors" who wear that glazed-over minimum wage smile and mime a check-mark action. This is all set to the LAMEST music and jingle ever in the history of television.

#3. Geico.  Do we really need THREE different ad campaigns?  Caveman, Gecko and the hipster with his slicked back hair. The ONLY Geico commercial that has ever made me laugh or that I enjoyed enough to watch more than twice is the "Drill Instructor" with "gunny" as the therapist. The rest infuriate me to no end because they are on two or three times EVERY SINGLE COMMERCIAL BREAK! Especially during the ONLY sport I care about - hockey. So they think hockey fans want to buy auto insurance through this hack company? I checked them out and their rates are HIGHER than the last two companies I used.

#2. Staples. You know the one where to dork yells, WOW! That's a low price! I happen to like hockey and my team is the Kings and Staples owns the naming rights to the arena my beloved team plays - Staples Center. With all the money Staples seems to have, how about hire a new ad agency and create FUNNY commercials? I watch Canadian TV stations and most of the ads are funny beer commercials. A few of my friends were so sicvk of that commercial that we went into a few Staples stores and acted out their LAME commercial.  In most of the locations, we were asked to leave. Ironic, huh?  They hated us for doing what they do to us during a game.



#1. Hands down...the most lame ad campaign ever. This turd looks as if it was thought up by the morons on "The Apprentice." I'll set up the scenario. A woman (in her late thirties / early forties) is sitting at the breakfast table enjoying her breakfast. A young woman (her daughter) enters the room and asks mom if she can talk about... (YES, THAT'S RIGHT) DOUCHE. All the while with a bounty of food on the table. At which point, mom reaches down to retrieve a bottle of the product. Yeah, I know that if I was a woman with poor hygiene issues, I'd be SURE to bring along a bottle of douche whilst I was eating FOOD. Yummy. If I ever get a rash of jock itch, I bet the meal will be a more enriched experience if I bring the Dessenex to the table. Good times.

Dishonorable Mention goes to a local car dealership conglomerate - Cerritos Auto Square.  These nuggets of turd have someone utter the phrase, "Yes Cerritos" as if to say 'yes sir etos.' Infuriating.

In ALL cases, thank the electronic gawds for the invention of the DVR!

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