Who shot J.R Ewing? Who shot Victor Newman? How many men in the one family did Brooke Logan Forrester marry? Who had psychiatrist Dr Laura Horton's office painted with toxic paint with the intention of having her returned to the mental asylum.

If you can answer any of these questions,(and hey, I don't have a lie detector test handy so you will just have to be honest here), then your life has been impacted by that seductive siren, the soap opera. Be you male or be you female, if you know that Pam was married to Bobby & lived in Dallas, that Crystal and Alexis were both at one time married to Blake, and that Mike Horton called Mickey Dad but was fathered by his Uncle Bill, then, you are or have been a soap opera viewer.

Whether or not you are an addict depends upon your ability to control the time between drinks so to speak. Can you miss the next installment without having to preset your VCR to record the episode in your absence? Do you forgo social engagements which would clash with soap opera episodes? Did you name your baby Ridge, Taylor, Thorne, Morgan or perhaps,and let's hope not, Forrester? It can be really tough to gain the upper hand on soap opera addiction.

Now I will tell you, and some of you might even believe me, that I did not watch one five minute bracket of day time soap opera between 1979 and 1999, but then something happened. I turned on the television in the middle of the day. I was on the wrong channel. I heard a voice, a familiar voice. It was Alice Horton. Dear old Alice. I hadn't seen her for 20 years and here she was after all of this time still living in Salem. It was like catching up with an old friend. My old friend Alice was not herself though. Something had happened. I could tell.

I had tuned in to Days Of Our Lives after a 20 year absence on the very episode that Alice's husband, Dr Tom Horton expires in his bed. To those of you who do not know DOOL as it is affectionately known, this was THE biggest thing ever to happen in more than 30 years of this show. To Days Of Our Lives, this was akin in importance to the final episode of Seinfeld.

Once I knew that Tom was dead, I had to tune in for the funeral the next day, to pay my respects of course, and the rest as they say is history. I became reacquainted with all of the familiar faces & curious about the interim period in Salem. A lot had happened in twenty years. It was like putting on oh so comfortable well worn slippers and sitting down to a great big bowl of ice cream.

Having succumbed to Days Of Our Lives again at this mature phase of my life, I unwittingly left the door open to an approach by another old pal. Switching the television on in a very disciplined fashion at one o'clock precisely to catch Days Of Our Lives, I caught some conversation from The Young & The Restless which was just finishing. At first, I was seemingly immune. Indifferent. Disinterested. No matter what the cliffhanger, that is, until somebody shot Victor Newman in the back, an event on The Young & The Restless akin to Who shot J.R? in the 80's.

Within a short period of time I had witnessed Dr Tom Horton's final demise on Days Of Our Lives and the shooting of Victor Newman by a mystery assailant on The Young & The Restless. What hope did I have? It was like a sign.

The television now goes on at noon, however, I make myself feel better about this by working at my computer and taking my lunch as the drama unfolds in the background, really!

My husband, a closet soap opera watcher, who incidentally knows every character by name and can demonstrate their unique facial expressions for fun, marvels at how one such as I can watch such twaddle.

I tell him that as a writer, my interest is in studying programs like these from a writer's perspective.

Indeed, the writers of soap operas such as these must have a lot of fun coming up with the story lines and characters. The movie "Soap" starring Sally Field, Whoopi Goldberg & Kevin Kleine gave some insight into this industry and its nuances. In that film, the writers struggled with absurd story lines dictated by network politics and temperamental soap opera stars seeking best position and best continuing story line.

In Australia, we grew up with Peyton Place from America & Coronation Street from the UK. General Hospital was shown here for a long time as was Another World. These days though we are offered Days Of Our Lives, The Young & The Restless & The Bold & The Beautiful. Two and a half hours per day, five days per week and that is quite enough for soap opera addicts to digest.

In Australia, Days of Our Lives is four years behind the U.S. The Bold & The Beautiful is six months behind. This of course means that the sufficiently interested can hit the internet to read up on all of the forthcoming action.

The CBS site for The Bold & The Beautiful for example has an archive of all episodes in date order. One can literally sit and read six months of episodes, were one so inclined! (Of course I have never done it myself. I have just heard of people who do!)

So far as Days of Our Lives is concerned, the web is bursting with sites of varying content and amazing detail of all of the happenings in Salem over thirty plus years. One can read the very first episode script or story lines up to and including the latest action.

Knowledge of what the future holds in terms of the storyline does not seem to impede enjoyment of the soap opera. As a viewer, there is definite pleasure in knowing that the villain is about to get what is coming to them or in trying to work out how the writers are going to bring about a certain set of circumstances to reach a particular conclusion.

Days Of Our Lives uses a very predictable formula which I call the double turn around. Let us say that a particular scenario looks hopeless for the hero. It will turn around and become a virtual certainty. One last turnaround, and the our hero will be right back to square one and that is where he will stay. Ditto, when things are going just fine for the heroine, count on the bottom falling out of all plans and the whole thing ending up in the drain. Just when absolutely all hope is gone, a miracle will return the heroine to the winners circle against all odds.

Repeat this formula infinitely and pepper it with a wild card of supernatural and spiritual influences and there, give or take a few diverse characters, is the blueprint for Days Of Our Lives.

If there is anybody reading this who feels that life for them is and has always been a soap opera free zone, good for you but you are missing out on some fun. If you have ever smiled just a little at The Simpsons, you will positively chuckle when you hear some of the lines these actors have to deliver and all with a straight face.

Comforting though to know that I am only tuning in to analyse the script and story lines from a writer's perspective. Somebody has to do it.

Armchair

Recommended: Yes