Saving a New Coworker from The Annoying Coworker
Mar 02 '05
The Bottom Line The Annoying Coworker must never be able to recruit new coworkers...
I had thought that listing out the top 10 reasons I hated my annoying coworker would have been enough and rationally, I figured – how could I top something like that? Well, annoying coworker (or AC as we all like to refer to her) was able to top her own Top 10 list and in the process I managed to protect an innocent new coworker (we refer to her as the ‘New Girl’) and get even more stories to tell about my office.
Seriously, I need to start writing a screenplay – not only does my office resemble a Dilbert cartoon, it would make an awesome sitcom.
How it all started…
Never mind that AC has continued along in her ways of interrupting everyone, listening in on every conversation, yelling on her personal phone calls and of course still burping and farting around – when the New Girl started, she tried to be friendly and get the New Girl to like her.
Considering the New Girl was the first new employee that we had that wasn’t mentally deficient and could speak English clearly and understand it fully (I won’t even start in on the long line of literally crazy people that have filled on position here) – I wasn’t about to let AC steal away the first normal person from the rest of us.
Luckily AC was going on vacation a week after the New Girl started and this gave me a chance to start my plan – pulling the New Girl back over to our side.
But even in that first week, it was obvious that AC was trying to snag the New Girl. She was all friendly towards her, trying to show her around the office and do things for her (stuff she would never do for anyone else). It was all so fake that I wanted to yell out and grab the New Girl away from her – but that would have been too obvious and some plans work out better when you take your time.
How the plan got rolling…
The New Girl wasn’t stupid and it was readily apparent that she was just looking for a way to keep the normal coworker distance between AC and herself and I moved right in once AC went on vacation. Actually it even started while AC was still in the office. The New Girl would ask me something about her and I’d just shrug my shoulders and be like “oh you know…” or some other equally cryptic response.
So when AC was finally on vacation, I launched full-tilt into the plan along with my other normal coworkers. We started being extra friendly to the new girl, helping her find stuff, answering every question, talking about office history and the like.
I started with the stories of the crazy girl with tourette syndrome that we had working (no, I am not making this up – she had tourette syndrome and on top of that, she was insane) and we moved on to the previous holder of her position who was an Indian girl with a degree in computer science who didn’t know how to reboot her computer or use a ruler (don’t ask me how these people get hired).
When we firmly established the crazy and strange folks that worked here – we moved in on AC. We were like “oh, haven’t you noticed how she’ll interrupt every conversation or listen in when you’re talking to someone else.” We would get a knowing nod from the New Girl and so we continued with the stories – especially the one about the fart that was so loud that the head of the office got up and shut his office door.
The New Girl loved the stories and even agreed with a lot of them (the interrupting, the personal phone calls, the uptightness, and the fact that she spied on every conversation). She was having a hard time believing the farting and the burping stories though – even though almost the entire office was over at one point or another telling their own farting story about AC.
My favorite was when one coworker walked over and I was like “hey, doesn’t AC fart all the time,” and he was like “oh my god yes, she farts more than anything.”
The really sad part is that I think AC would deny all of this if she discovered we were talking about her – I don’t think she thinks that she doesn’t anything wrong. I don’t think she realizes that she farts – or at least she pretends to think that what she does has no bearing on anyone else.
Setting it up…
So I think by this time, the New Girl was pretty much convinced that she needed to stay as far away as possible from AC. However it was my final piece of advice/warning that truly set up the deal.
I told her that AC would tell her that she has a squeaky chair. She will go on and on about how much her chair squeaks and how she can’t stand how much it squeaks. I pointed out that AC does this to cover up the numerous farts that she emits throughout the day.
I don’t think the New Girl really 100% believed me, but when AC got back from vacation, it all came to fruition…
The return of the Annoying Coworker…
I couldn’t have planned it better – within a half an hour of all of us arriving in the office, AC gets up out of her chair and announces to the New Girl how much she hates her chair squeaking. The New Girl looked like she was about to pass out from shock.
I of course, had to send an email that merely said “I told you so…”
By the end of her first day back, AC had drank 6 Diet Pepsis and had belched so loudly right in front of the New Girl, that the New Girl picked up her computer and rearranged her cube so she wasn’t sitting so close to AC when she was on the computer. AC of course was oblivious to the fact that the New Girl was moving her computer because she burped in her face.
On the way out of the office that night I was talking to the New Girl and I was like “see, everything we said, it’s all true…” and the New Girl was just mortified. She was too new to really criticize, but it was pretty obvious that she wanted nothing to do with AC and that we had saved her from the clutches of AC.
The follow-up…
It was bound to happen, as the frequency of AC’s farts is almost as regular as the moon’s phases. She let one out and was like “oh, that squeaky chair.” The New Girl literally almost fell out of her chair and got up and had to leave the room because she was trying not to laugh out loud.
When she got back, there was an email from me that only said “believe me now?” She just looked over, about to bust out laughing again shaking her head “yes.”
And so…
AC hasn’t changed – if anything she’s gotten worse because while I don’t think she understands why the New Girl won’t talk to her anymore, she realizes that no one in the office even wants to look at her, let alone talk with her. Everyone tolerates her to some extent, but even in staff meetings, she starts talking and people roll their eyes and just ignore her.
I just don’t understand AC. Yeah, she farts a lot, she’s pretty ugly and she’s got awful hair, but if she just changed her attitude a bit, she might actually have people be slightly friendly to her. Instead nothing is ever her fault and she continues to listen in or interrupt every conversation, freak out whenever she is given any work to do, yells on all her personal phone calls and continues to ingest huge amounts of Diet Pepsi and Doritos. People around the building refer to her as the b*tchy one that farts a lot – that’s got to say something when an entire building doesn’t like you – it can’t just be me.
It doesn't really matter though, I managed to save the New Girl from the grip of the evil that is Annoying Coworker.
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