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What $17,500,000 Taught Me!Mar 16 '05 Write an essay on this topic.
Popular Products in Books
The Bottom Line Sorry game, even sorrier commercials, the Super Bowl is no longer the grand stage for advertising talent!
Being both a Marketing and English major at Auburn University, as well at least one of top three smartest people on the east side of my neighborhood, I am clearly the top authority on ad criticism in the Northern hemisphere (I would say world but I hear some guy in Chile who is really good). As many watch the Super Bowl for ads these days I decided it would be a good time to decipher the effectiveness of these wonderful little cultural phenoms known as commercials (or art short films if you consider them as such). It has been increasingly clear to me that logic is no longer of importance to the American consumer or the American ad agency, nor is actually marketing a product. Nor is actually delivering a message. Nor is…well I’m getting ahead of myself, let us begin: We shall begin with the Bud Light commercial where a group of sky divers are waiting to jump out of a plane. One last guy is having second thoughts so to motivate him the instructor throws out a six-pack of Bud Light. Out of nowhere the pilot runs from the front and jumps out of the plane after the Bud Light without a parachute. Ha, ha right? No. Let’s think about this and what its implications on consumer America. Yes he just jumped out of a moving plane without a parachute to chase a $6.99 six-pack of Bud Light bottles. He presumably killed himself to get his hands on some Bud Light. Maybe he was under 21 and had a momentary lapse of reason? This is doubtful because I believe he had a mustache and appeared to be in his early 40’s. If for some reason he wasn’t 21 I would have bought a case for him safely on ground level and probably wouldn’t have even charged him extra. But since he was probably 21 we just have to deal with the reasoning that he just simply loved Bud Light that much. If I was in a plane and someone tried to motivate me to jump by throwing a case of Bud Light I’d probably hit him in the face. Especially since from that height a Bud Light bottle could easily kill someone. Still he could have dropped a Ferrari with Heidi Klum riding shotgun and holding a million dollars in her hand and I would have stayed put anyway (probably even with the parachute, I’m not catching up with that death rocket). Enticing skydiving/suicide with rewards is one thing, but in my case I don’t think we even need to go that far. I could be on a plane with the Predator onboard and I would still take my chances with the 7Ä alien-headhunter before I jumped out of a plane without a parachute. Maybe I’m missing the point and the suicidal alcoholic pilot can fly Superman style. But then again if that was the case why in the hell would he be an airplane pilot? That would be like being able to breathe underwater yet pursue a career as a submarine pilot. Another entirely logical commercial was the one with the new Mustang convertible. A cop pulls up behind the car stopped at a green light in a clearly sub-zero climate. Shot entirely like a bad “Fargo” rip-off the cop walks up to the car only to find its driver frozen to death with a smile on his face. Lets make this clear first of all, freezing to death is not a fun process and unless it is about -100 degrees it is not a very quick process either. It would suck; things that suck that bad don’t make us smile. Even if he caught up with the beer I doubt the airplane pilot was smiling when he became a splatter mark and at least he had some fun on the way down. The same can’t be said of the Mustang driver who had the cold air practically stabbing him in the eye his entire journey. We’ll assume that it was around 0 degrees in the drivers’ surroundings and driving in a convertible about -30 with the wind chill. Can you imagine how painful this must have been? Is there really anything so much fun that you can block out the fact that your nervous system is shutting down and just go for a joy ride? Apparently so to this guy (who is just as smart as the Bud Light pilot). Are advertisers implying that all consumers have a death wish? Or do they like to think their products are as addicting and self destructing as heroin? I remember how much I hated my soft top Jeep during the winter when it got to about 30 degrees in Georgia. Even with the top up it was miserable to me. That being said I wouldn’t drive around with the top down in negative temperatures even if I was in a convertible Ferrari as Heidi Klum sat shotgun with a million bucks telling me to go, “faster, faster!” The whole point of the commercial was that Ford is being good to us by waiting to release the car in the spring so that we do not suffer the same fate. I personally am offended by that. Do they really take the American public to be so stupid that they would find some way to kill themselves with a convertible (traffic accidents aside)? The answer is a resounding yes. And even more resounding is the fact that they were right to think so (remember they are speaking to potential Mustang buyers here). Moving on I must ask you if you have ever looked at a good friend and said, “You know what man, you know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna go out and get a sandwich, a fresh, warm sandwich and we’re gonna take that sandwich and drive to an abandoned overlook, make-out peak, and park. We’re going to blare make-out music and then we’re gonna passionately eat these sandwiches. These heavenly creations. I love them so and I must show them by doing this.” Have you ever loved a sandwich this much? Let alone any food? I haven’t and I hope that if I ever brought up this plan to a friend they would simply say, “Look, Justin…” and punch me in the face. Hard. The only sandwiches I even remotely respect are the ones I make myself, because I put something into it. Even then it doesn’t deserve to be treated well and especially not serenaded. Sorry Subway, sandwich artist or not, I’m not making love to your new oven melted sub, despite what your commercial says. The only way you’d catch me up on make-out point with the windows fogged up and cheesy love songs blaring is if I was in a Ferrari with Heidi Klum holding a million dollars. That deserves this treatment. No sandwich or beer could ever inspire me to do this. Although I would like to think, that someplace, somewhere, the airplane pilot did survive and he’s in a parked Mustang treating the six-pack that he risked his life for the way he undoubtedly feels it deserves to be treated. On the topic of subs, what exactly is it about a talking baby that makes Quizno’s think I’ll want to buy their subs? I hereby vow never to eat at Quizno’s again. Another Bud Light commercial depicted Cedric the Entertainer at a loud bar trying to mime to someone that he is the sober driver. His steering wheel motion is mistaken for a dance and the craze sweeps the entire bar. This is by far the most accurate commercial I saw during the Super Bowl. Everything African-American pop culture does is cool these days. Like the Rock bands of the 80’s they set the trends of the new millennium. For example FedEx is trying to sell stuff by showing a commercial with Burt Reynolds being kicked in the groin by a guy in a bear costume. That isn’t cool. It is stupid. You show me a FedEx commercial with the Wu-Tang Clan fighting off Ninja’s to deliver a package and I promise you I am a new life-loyal customer. If I’m the owner of the Member’s Only company I’m striking an endorsement deal with Ludacris and before I know it my jackets are used more than Paris Hilton. Honestly, Nelly making out with a Subway sandwich would still be much cooler than me in a Ferrari with Heidi Klum and $1,000,000. I will even guarantee you that 50cent could make freezing to death popular. I’m not sure if Anheuser Busch sold any beers with that commercial, but damn if they didn’t start a new dance craze…“do the drive!” My award for the most effective commercial goes to GoDaddy.com. Simply because I had never heard of them before yet still remember their web address. The spot featured a tank top clad female having “equipment issues”. I don’t remember a word she uttered or even what the site was for, but I remember that tank top and the words GoDaddy.com written on it. I’ll probably never visit the site, but if they were going for the public awareness angle their off to a start. The last commercial I’ll talk about depicted a man cooking spaghetti as his cat ran about the kitchen. The man is cutting things with an abnormally large knife when the cat knocks the red sauce over and spills it on the floor. He picks up the cat to scold it and suddenly (and rather awkwardly) his date barges in his apartment only to see him holding the cat and a knife over some red sauce that looks like blood. The tagline was “Don’t Jump to Conclusions,” which jarred me a bit because if I was in his position the cat would probably be dead and any conclusions made would probably be accurate (if not understated). I guess people who buy into this commercial (whatever it was for) are essentially giving their twisted murderous friends get out of jail free cards. “Oh my…Is that a human head in your fridge?” “Oh honey, now lets not jump to conclusions.” So commercial motives are now imbedded with the illogical. So let’s sum up what I learned: Apparently people are willing to kill themselves over a product readily available at most every gas station in America! Driving a Mustang is so fun you won’t even notice that you’re slowly killing yourself! Subway sandwiches are so good you’ll never need to mingle with the opposite sex again! I like Cedric’s new dance! Boobs enhance memory! Just because someone is holding a motionless animal and a knife in their hands over what appears to be blood doesn’t mean you should break up with them! (I still have no comment for the Quizno’s talking baby and I’d prefer if you never spoke of it again). I’m glad those guys spent 17.5 million to teach me these things. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go pick up some Keystone Light in my Camero, come home and make my own sandwich and afterwards do a celebratory “driven’” dance. Maybe later I’ll invite a girl in a white tank top over to peruse the internet with me and eventually kill a cat, but she can’t be mad, because of course that would be jumping to conclusions. Thanks one more time Corporate America for spending $17,500,000 to teach me all this! How bout’ next time you do something much more constructive and send that money my way, then I could get Heidi Klum and a Ferrari and I promise I’ll definitely remember your product afterwards! (heck if you do this I might even buy your product)  |
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